Over the years (I
am 66 now) I have met a number of men, with female partners and children, who are essentially gay, but
choose not to go there; not publicly anyway. Many haunt late-night/early
morning cruising areas while their partners think they are working late at the
office, or they may have a secret gay lover who is willing to settle for always
being second-best just as a straight man’s mistress has dome for centuries. They give me lots of reasons, these gay dads;
some cannot envisage a life without children while others (still) fear being
stigmatised for their natural sexuality. Some make happy enough marriages, if
you can ever be happy living such a BIG lie; others live out their lives as best they can,
carried along by a genuine love for wife and children.
Today’s poem has
only ever appeared on my general blog (in 2007) prompted two wives getting in touch with me to ask how any man can be so selfish as to
marry for convenience only to announce at
a later date that he has decided to make a new life with a boyfriend? Do they have no conception of pain and
humiliation?
Of course gay
married men have a conception of pain and humiliation; many if not most
experience it every day at some time or another.
I could not tell
these women why their husbands chose to marry them, only that I am sure they
were and are loved. I can understand and
deeply sympathise their feeling of being ‘used’ ...but it isn’t as simple as
that is it? Acknowledging sexuality is nearly always a formidable first step, not
least due to prevailing misguided attitudes in various homes, work places and
societies world-wide. Arguably, moreover, a person cannot be accused of living
a lie if they have never got around to acknowledging the truth. The next step
is moving forward, and can be even
more complex; so much so that some gay people either refuse to take it or feel prevented by circumstances from doing so.
Now, I know from
personal experience that it is possible to be in love with two people at the
same time. In my case, it was two men, but why shouldn’t it be a man and a
woman?
Yes, a gay man
should be honest with a female partner about his sexuality, but he risks losing her
and someone in love is not always up to taking that risk. No, it isn’t fair -
on either party - and yes, honesty is the
best policy, but some gay men stay in
denial all their lives and genuinely don’t see themselves as living a lie; any
casual sex with someone else on the side is seen as ‘a male thing’ to which
they are entitled and they see nothing wrong in it. Is it any wonder that a partner who is
left to discover this for herself feels betrayed? The heterosexual majority
does not have a monopoly on sexism.
Right and wrong are
two sides of the same coin; it is rarely difficult to make a case for either,
no matter which way the coin falls. I am focusing on men here, but the same
applies to women of course. [Suffice to say, this is a gay man’s blog, but much if not most of what I have to say applies to lesbians
as well.]
So all you gay and
bisexual dads whose wives/partners may have no idea that you fancy men and/or enjoy sex
with them, take heart as there are many, many of you out there. [I am not encouraging this particular element of
deceit in a male-female partnership, but simply acknowledging a fact.] However, bear in mind
that love deserves honesty; nor is
love as fragile as some like to make out, and I know lots of people who have been amazed at how much love can bear in the
longer if not always the shorter term.
I remain on the
fence with this one, neither condoning nor condemning, but sympathising with all those people playing happy families
out there while never quite as happy as they could be were men and women
world-wide given less cause by the
environment/society in which they live to be fearful of the ultimate challenge
facing each and every one of us...to be ourselves.
A GAY DAD’S STORY
Married, with kids, and not unhappy,
lives all but running true;
Trying to be a good husband, dad,
seems the right thing to do;
Of daily life, real love no less a part
for phantoms tugging at the heart
like children
longing to come out to play
but made to stay indoors, lest angels
with dirty faces lower the tone, heaven
but looking on
Married, with kids, and not unhappy,
lives all but running true;
trying to be a good husband, dad,
seems the right thing to do;
few greater joys of Mother Earth than love,
togetherness and
birth,
nor do these fade
as others burst through
like spring
flowers,
a long, hard winter
done, heaven
but looking on
Parted, kids grown, and not as happy
as we ought to be,
but a sense of integrity, worthy
of our sexuality;
time enough for friends and family
to understand, lessons learned;
love, once freely
given and shared,
never quite overturned;
same sun rising and
setting, heaven
cheering, weeping
Copyright R. N.
Taber 2002; 2012
[Note: This poem has been slightly but significantly revised from an earlier
version that appears in 1st eds. of First Person Plural by R. N. Taber,
Assembly Books, 2002; 2nd ed. in preparation. NB 2nd eds.
of my poetry collections will not be available until after 2015 and will
contain revisions of some poems. Meanwhile, 1st eds. remain
available at a generous blog discount. Contact rogertab@aol.com with ‘Blog reader; in the subject
field. ]