Sometimes life gets too much for us and we feel a need to run away from everything and everyone. Only, there is no running away unless it is to that dark, distant place we call loneliness. Oh, we might plan to stay just a little while, but time has a nasty habit of playing tricks on us, and before we know it a half a lifetime has passed.
It is always good to talk over problems with a good listener. Never bottle things up (I speak from harsh personal experience) as they will always break out in the end, sometimes with devastating results. As regular readers will know, I put a severe nervous breakdown many years ago down to just that. Moreover, the breakdown was only partly due to my having to keep my sexual orientation a secret from friends and family during my teenage years and young manhood because gay relationships were illegal here in the UK. [There were many other contributory factors in play, not least the fact that no one at home or at school understood I was partially deaf so I was thought to be a troublemaker; as I could not always follow what was going on, I’d became distracted and would be hauled over the proverbial coals for it.
My father, for one, would always take it personally if I did not answer when spoken to, and would never accept that I’d not heard him as an excuse. (I am significantly deaf and no suitable hearing aid was available then.) Yet, our relationship was appalling anyway so I doubt whether it would have made much if any difference if he had...
The gay factor was part adventure, part nightmare for me during those closet years. I’d cruise when and where I could for the company of other gay men and boys. My dream was that one day I would not only be free to acknowledge my sexuality, but also let a gay-friendly world in on my secret.
That dream has been partially fulfilled. We even have legislation here in the UK and other parts of the West to back it up; tragically, is not the same for gay people world-wide. You cannot legislate for bad attitude; it all depends whether or not we grow up in a gay-friendly environment. [I didn’t.] Homophobia is alive and kicking just about everywhere.
Whatever, the going may be tough sometimes, maybe even most of the time, but it has been my experience that it pays to tackle the rough along with the smooth rather than keep putting off the inevitable until some proverbial tomorrow which, unless we stay focused on what matters most, invariably never comes.
THE PLACE
There’s a place
as gloomy as a hermit’s cave;
only, caves
don’t have holes in the roof
for bird droppings;
it’s a place
as cold as a tram shelter
in winter;
only, no there’s no history
of tramlines;
it’s a place
as scary as a spidery graveyard
at midnight
where a headstone hints
at my name
I should leave
this gloomy cold, dead, place;
only, I long since
lost all sight of alternatives
(and choices);
a voice tells me
to take a leap of faith
into the light;
only, it is so high, so far away,
and I’m scared;
I glimpse the tip
of bird’s wing through a hole
in my sky,
hear human laughter at the mouth
of my cave
I hate this place,
yet I know it like I know my self;
only, my self
never meant to stay as long
as I did;
Once, mind, body
and spirit met with their demons;
only, mind
and body ran away, found safety
in a cave,
leaving my spirit
to its imaginings of birds in flight
and believing
people are laughing at me in this,
my loneliness
Yes, I must let my self go free and will,
but it can wait until tomorrow...
Copyright R. N. Taber 2011
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