I was seventeen
when I wrote today's poem. I only slightly revised it after rediscovering it on an
old exercise book in 2010. It last appeared on the blog in 2010. The poem does not appear in any of my collections, but I plan to include it in a final collection - Diary of a Time Traveller - that I am already collating for publication in 2015 when I hit 70.
It was sheer
hell having to keep my sexuality a secret (gay relationships were still illegal
in the UK then) but I was having a great time discovering its potential
for love and romance.
Never let anyone tell you a gay person can't do romance; the heterosexual majority has no monopoly on that any more than it has on love.
Oh, yes, and half a century on, I am still a shameless romantic...so I was thrilled to discover only recently that there is a new Doris Day album called My Heart available on cd with songs from 1985/1986 that I had not heard before. Doris was in her sixties then, her voice as magical as ever.
HEAD OVER
HEELS
Long before I knew it,
I was in love with you
Long before I dared show it,
I was in love with you
Once I understood
the true depth of my feelings,
I struggled to deny them,
put them out of heart and mind,
resume friendship’s ways
without love’s precious bane
burdening me so,
making believe I could break free
of love’s sweet slavery,
binding me to you more fiercely
with each passing day;
I remained in denial I was gay,
such were the ties
of childhood, carrying its lies
into an adulthood,
tearing itself apart for shame,
my heart refusing
to acknowledge male bonding
by any other name
until a day came we lay down
on a patch of grass
in a shady woodland, sunshine
bringing the trees alive
with a music and poetry of love
awakening in me
such desire as I could ignore
no longer;
I leaned over, kissed you
and closed my eyes,
waiting for a rush of harsh words,
even blows, to make me see
the futility of loving you on a day
such as this
Your touch when it came
was a long, gentle kiss
Love’s bliss, when it came,
no sweeter than for us
Copyright R. N. Taber 1963;
2010
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