I wrote today’s poem while recovering from a severe
nervous breakdown in the early 1980s. A very significant, but by no means the
only cause for what was essentially a collapse of mind, body and spirit lay in
an all but zero self-confidence regarding my sexuality.
If attitudes towards mental health problems leave much
to be desired now, they were even worse then, and being gay was a prime
suspect. If you were gay, even many (if not most) professionals saw it as a
root cause for any distress or sense of alienation likely to result in some
personal Armageddon.
Creative writing therapy along with the support of a
few wonderful people saw me through those awful years, and I like to think I
came through it (eventually) a stronger person; not least, stronger for a sense
of identity of which no small part is my sexuality. For years, I had lived like
a shadow with only a very nebulous relationship with light. Finally, I was out
of all that, and would stay there.
Oh, but they didn’t quite go away, those damn shadows, haunting
me for years and resisting efforts to shake them off once and for all like
flies on a horse's face. But I finally won through, and old age brings with it
a peace of mind even love has never (quite) been able to sustain without having
to concede more than the occasional battle if not the war.
KIN TO SHADOWS
We were as shadows by moonlight
haunting a natural world so bleak and bare
because it refused us its colours
We were as shadows by moonlight
chased by bold hunting horn and bugle blast
down country lane and High Street
We were as shadows by moonlight
until Apollo shamed us one enchanting dawn
with nature’s colours brave and bright
As shadows, we ventured by daylight
into a natural world much less bleak and bare
though it still refused us its colours
Less shadowy, we ventured into sunlight,
deaf to each bold hunting horn and bugle blast
down country lane and High Street
Out of shadows, embracing sunlight,
we held hands, hugged each other and kissed,
wore nature’s colours brave and bright
Kin to shadows, the world’s gay lovers,
lifted in mind and spirit by sun, moon, and stars,
often let down by mothers and fathers
Copyright R. N. Taber 1982; 2013
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