Making Out, Fitting In

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

As a child, my mother would often read or tell me stories. Consequently, I became an avid reader. I loved fairy stories, myths and legends. I used to have a collection of stories by Hans Christian Andersen and many surface in my head even to this day. (I am 71 now!). I could not appreciate the value of those tales at the time, of course, but as I grew older I began to realise how many home in so sensitively on aspects of human nature, and with disconcerting accuracy.

As a teenager, I was past reading fairy stories, but several made a valuable contribution towards shaping those troubled years, I realised I  am gay, but felt obliged to keep this observation to myself. Being gay, I had been told, was something dirty, ugly. I often felt dirty and ugly although that did not stop me seeking out sex with other boys and men whenever the opportunity arose. Andersen’s tale of The Ugly Duckling was an inspiration then and, to a lesser extent, remains so to this day. It took some time, though, before I saw that what looks ugly from one perspective can appear beautiful in another.

So where does Red Riding Hood fit into my life? Well, for one thing, I learned that appearances are often deceptive and we need to guard against wolves with human faces…

Saturated with perceptions of human nature though these tales were, some had happy endings, in the hopeful search of which I have spent the greater part of my life. I experienced some for only a short time, others for longer, but the quintessential Happy Ever After remained beyond my reach. Even so, any share of happiness is better than none and never to be taken lightly or resented for never quite living up to expectations. Happiness, like love, comes in all shapes and sizes whether it relates to a person, place, whatever; if it remains in the memory and inspires us to adopt a positive rather than negative perspective on life, even on its downside, it remains a treasure without comparison. [Why do so many people insist on making comparisons when they are invariably irrelevant; we are all different, with different aspirations and views on life; different, too, in what (and who) makes us feel happy, sad,  inspired …whatever.

As I have said many times on the blogs, our differences don’t make us different, just human. Many if not most of us learn soon enough that life is no fairy tale, but I learned more about human nature from them as a child to help me find my way through its maze. Oh, yes, I have had my share of bad times as well as good, made mistakes (and plenty of them) but - not unlike the ugly duckling - I came out to the heterosexual world with pride and took my place among swans…[I was in my 30's and it had taken a severe nervous breakdown to make me see that being gay is - to borrow the title of one of my poems - worth every heartbeat.)

MAKING OUT, FITTING

The child I was…

would regularly go for a swim

with the Ugly Duckling

or go rushing off into dark woods

to warn  Red Riding Hood

about a wolf on the prowl likely

to devour her

The youth I was …

would regularly wish himself

a very different person

to the one haunting every thought

and move, each hour   

of each day on the prowl likely

to devour me

As a young man…

I would eagerly make friends

with gay characters

in this book or that movie, share

their roller coaster lives,

suffer a thousand cuts from wolves

with human faces

Growing older…

I gave shadow selves the heave-ho

left make-believe behind,

began to enjoy being who I am

without a thought

for that sad other ‘me’ living in fear

of being discovered

Growing old…

just as I take others as I find them

so I expect them to pay me

the same courtesy without rushing

to any judgement

coloured by stereotypes, tailored

to fit small minds

Grown old…

I still swim with the Ugly Duckling

whenever the whim takes me

and regret I was always too late

to warn Red Riding Hood,

but take in my stride that it is as it is,

or so the story goes...

Copyright R. N. Taber 2017

The Two of Us, a Love Story

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Reader ‘Jean-Claude’ who lives in Paris once emailed me about this poem to say how much he could relate to it. What better praise for a poem than it lets the reader into it?  I wrote it as my thoughts turned to a particularly memorable June night there many years ago...

I would also like to take the opportunity yet again to recommend a delightful DVD  'Juste une question d'amour' ( Just a Question of Love) which take a delightful and sensitive look at the difficulties the parents of some gay people experience in coming to terms with their son's homosexuality.

I have a friend who lives in Lille who still feels he cannot break it to his parents that he has a boyfriend even though they have been in a relationship for some years. Sadly, there are gay people worldwide who feel they cannot be open about their sexuality for one reason or another. In my friend's case, he is burdened with a whole load of Catholic guilt; in other parts of the world, gay people have anti-gay legislation to contend with and live with the threat of imprisonment or worse. It is a sad indictment on a 21st century from whose socio-cultural-political and religious elements we deserve better.

I find the rise of the Far Right across Europe very disturbing, not least because it plays on people's fears regarding the extent of immigration. While it is true that many immigrants are from cultures that are intrinsically homophobic, and many seem unwilling to change their attitudes towards gay men and women, we should never forget that the policies of the Far Right are as essentially homophobic as they are racist. No one who deplores prejudice of any kind should ever vote for these people.

Gay couple outside a cafe in Paris; photo by Braden Summers (Internet)

THE TWO OF US, A LOVE STORY

Under Paris stars, 
one night in June - a nightingale 
sang our tune;
we embraced, 
exchanging vows - with tongues
of fire

No chill of darkness
undermining or intruding upon
our happiness;
your hand in mine 
as kissed and exchanged rings
said it all...

Come morning, 
sweet night bade us each a fond
"au'revoir";
a minute’s silence
for two singles joined together
(no matter what)

Cock crows 
as we embrace a parallel dawn,
bask in its glory;
love, icon
for all seasons, opening its petals
to the sky

Story told, the world over, me 
and my gay lover

Copyright R. N. Taber 2002; 2016

[Note: An earlier version of this poem appeared as ‘The Two of Us’ in First Person Plural, by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2002; revised ed. in e-format in preparation. 

A Hitchhiker's Guide to Christmas

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Well, yes, it’s that time of year again.

Now, I’m no killjoy and it is always GOOD to see people happy and celebrating whatever the occasion. Regarding religious festivals, regular readers will know that I do not subscribe to any religion. Christmas cards were only ever a way of keeping in touch with people before the advent of computers.  (For anyone like me who have terrible handwriting, e-mails are a great idea.) 

Many thanks to all of you for supporting my blogs. I can but trust you have found at least some  poems to enjoy. 

As for Christmas, however you feel about it, whoever and wherever you are, ENJOY and may its message of peace and goodwill to all humankind be for all time, not just at this time of year. Who knows? Maybe, just maybe, all humankind may even listen and learn one of these days…?

A HITCHIKER’S GUIDE TO CHRISTMAS

One Christmas Eve,

I sat alone by the fire,

content awhile

to watch familiar shapes

in feisty flames

invoke happy memories

of times long ago,

the world a kinder place

place where such

as you and me would live,

love, and hitch rides

to gay-friendly galaxies

on wishing stars,

exploring the potential

for Happy-Ever-After

One Christmas Eve,

I felt alone by the fire,

saddened so

to watch familiar faces

coming and going

like players on a stage

acting out memories

for an audience of one,

all those who lived

for love by hitching rides

to gay-friendly galaxies

on wishing stars invoking

Happy-Ever-Afters

for any less touched by love

than seems fair

One Christmas Eve,

I almost let the fire go out

for empathising

with flickering flames

struggling

to stay feisty, a losing battle

from the start

where the heart not in it

when suddenly

one flame leapt higher

than the rest

as if making the point

that all’s not lost

till we wish it of open hearth

and inner self

One Christmas Eve,

I took a new lease of life

for taking my cue

from a fire all but gone

to embers,

the spirit of love and peace

risen like a phoenix

for getting push and shove

from an understanding

that past loves never fade,

are an inspiration,

forever banging on doors

to be let in…

if only to share more hitchhikes

on wishing stars

Copyright R N. Taber 2016

A Window on Christmas

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

There is nothing sinful, criminal or wrong with the love between two gay men or women. Others will always disagree, and sometimes we might even feel sufficiently put down by various socio-cultural-religious bigots among the heterosexual majority to start doubting the deeper truth and wisdom of our own feelings.

In my experience, something (or someone) always happens along to restore our faith in ourselves, in human nature and in a greater good that does not exclude the gay ethos in its ringing endorsement of human love.

A WINDOW ON CHRISTMAS

I could hear cock robin’s song in the air;
at a window I watched first snowflakes fall,
missing you so, wishing we could share
that gift of love at Christmas meant for all

Your religion forbids our kind of love,
you feared rejection by family and friends,
so we kissed farewell under stars above,
forgetting that true love's dream never ends

In the distance, I could hear bells ringing
tidings meant to fill lonely hearts with cheer;
at my own front door, an angel singing
about love. peace and goodwill everywhere

Caught in a window’s wintry reflection
I saw a tearstained face raise a sunny smile,
broken hearts mending, moment divine,
snowflakes reminiscent of a wedding veil

I rushed to my front door, flung it open wide
to fall into your arms, our first Christmastide

Copyright R. N. Taber 2012; 2018

[Note: An earlier version of this poem appears under the title 'First Christmas' in Accomplices to Illusion by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2007.]

Human Spirit, the Making of Us (All)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

There will always be some who refuse to get their heads around the fact that there are millions of us gay people amongst all humankind making as equally valuable a contribution to its humanity as our heterosexual neighbours. The trouble is, humankind comprises multiple closed shops marketing multiple closed hearts under various socio-cultural-religious and political umbrellas. Fortunately, the human spirit is an open house and will yet see the  greater part of humanity prove itself the better for that.

Spirituality emanates from a person's mind-body-spirit; no religion has a monopoly on it. To me, it seems absurd to suggest that a non-religious person cannot, by default, experience a sense of spirituality; bonding with nature is no less of a spiritual experience than embracing God as defined by whatever dogma. Yes, people will argue for one concept or another, but is it not agreeing to differ that makes us human?

HUMAN SPIRIT, THE MAKING OF US (ALL)

When folks ask why I’m gay,
I tell them I was born this way

Some will say it can’t be true,
any God has better things to do
than create distorted images
to blot humankind’s copybook,
rewrite history’s pages,
make religions take a long look
at themselves, leave cultures
to those power-hungry vultures
that love to preach and lead,
assuming their authority as read

Some suggest my sexuality
is irreconcilable with spirituality;
they, so blessedly taken in
by interpretations of Holy Books,
a case for eternity that brooks
no argument among those afraid
of condoning, let alone trying
to understand bigotry they’re sold
by those we’re told know better
how best we live with one another

People accuse me of blasphemy
(at best, a penchant for immorality)
thus putting me on the defensive
for what has to be a clear distortion
of what Holy Books have in mind
for each person (Oh, so what am I?);
Ah, but taking issue asks we see
how and why there is a place for each
and every one of us, regardless
of our colour, creed, sex or sexuality

Those folks who ask why I am as I am
might well ask the same of themselves

Copyright R. N. Taber 2012; 2020

[Note: An earlier version of this poem under the title ‘Found Wanting' appears in Tracking the Torchbearer by R. N. Taber, Assembly Book, 2012]

Oh, but Santa's running So-o-oo Late

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

This poem was written in 1996. In many societies and communities, attitudes towards gay people have changed for the better, but many remain bigoted, a carbuncle on the face of human nature. Yet, we are a common humanity driven by a common desire for love and peace…so where, oh, where did humanity lose the plot?

Religious festivals, Christian or otherwise, acknowledge the power of peace and love so if we all seek the same goal, why can’t we put our differences aside and put spiritual aspiration into practice across a world that still has much to learn…?

Many gay people enjoy family life, but many others find themselves rejected by family simply because even love is not enough to overcome old prejudices. Family should be all about love and peace...should it not? (Mind you, mine hasn't for years, as much my fault as theirs,) 

Religion, too, is frequently found to contradict itself, not least by being somewhat selective as to whom it offers 'universal' peace and love since one invariably needs to be of the same persuasion for it to be meaningful in either spiritual or practical terms. 

Oh, there are exceptions to every unwritten rule, and bless 'em all, the irony being that coming together in peace and love  has long been recorded in those very Holy Book from which world religions profess to take their cue.

OH, BUT SANTA'S RUNNING SO-O-OO LATE

Christmas, a special time of year,

thoughts of home deserve a special tear;

loneliness, greater than a fear

of nights and days, maze without end

(it seems) in worst waking dreams;

whatever creed or need, here's hoping

for the strength to endure, ways

to be sure that - for all our pain - we’ll get

to laugh, find peace and love again

Kisses flaunted on Queer Street, 
one for each chair left haunted each year,

along with with evergreen comfort and joy
just for being there

Ah, Christmas! Dreamy yearnings

of the heart, wistful thoughts like mistakes

on a fire; flames risen higher

and higher as we pile on self-blame,

calling out in Someone's name

to restore us, cool and clean - to a world

that needs must hang its head 

in shame no more or leave us for dead

at some mindful spirit's door

Who to wipe our tears, calm our fears, 
rewrite history, let us hold our heads high
while we negotiate (blindly) a festive maze 
of bigotry and hate?

Oh, but Santa running so-o-oo late...

Copyright R. N. Taber 2001; 2016 (Rev. + new title, 2018)

[Note: An earlier version of this poem first appeared under the title 'Crisis at Christmas' in Love and Human Remains by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2000.]

Opening Closed Doors

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

While I often write in the first person, it is neither necessarily autobiographical nor simply to invest a poem with a sense of directness, but also to draw the reader into a ‘felt’ experience; one that I may not have shared at first-hand, but to which, in one way or another, I can relate. I guess the jury is still out on whether or not my approach works for them.

Recently, I received an email from a Catholic man who was finally persuaded to be openly gay during a holiday in Rome. He writes, ‘…for the first time in my life, I met someone who doesn’t see being gay and Catholic as a contradiction.’ He adds, ‘Nor does my friend think this way for his own convenience, but genuinely believes - as I do now - that whoever we are, and however we choose to imagine God, no concept of God can truly exist in a discriminatory context against anyone or the very principles of religion, love and peace, start to fall apart at the seams…’

I could not agree more, and although I do not subscribe to any religion myself, I applaud any gay (or straight) person who arrives at an understanding - however long it takes - that a sense of spirituality and an LGBT lifestyle are NOT mutually exclusive, except perhaps in the hearts and minds of those who choose to insist differently for their convenience.

Years ago, I knew a Christian man who confided that, while he agreed me ‘in principle’ about not discriminating against anyone because of their sexuality, he would never say so openly because he could not bring himself not to fear what he called 'God’s response'. He readily conceded that the New Testament effectively refutes interpretations of God in the Old Testament as a one quick to anger and effect reprisals. In its place, yes, we find a God of love and understanding. At the same time, my Christian friend was unwilling to put that belief to the test by openly disputing that God’s love cannot be assumed to extend to gay people. (It is all very well for an Archbishop of Canterbury, for example, to say he has no problem with gay people, even clerics, so long as they are not practising sex, but sex is a natural human urge. How can a religion preaching that God created all humanity deny its being invested likewise with a sexuality of one persuasion or another?

OPENING CLOSED DOORS 

It was at the heart of Rome,

a lonely heart caught

its first shy glimpse of a place 

to (finally) call home 

Oblivious to tourist crowds,

I confronted my self

in a fountain as honest with me

as passing clouds

A sad face, etched with pain, 

accused me of all sorts

for deceiving my friends, family,

and (worse) religion

Another face looked in at me

through this window

on a so-beleaguered conscience

addressing sexuality

I couldn’t prevent an intrusion

into this dialogue

with feelings I’d nursed for years

and kept well hidden

Not a word passed between us

as kindred spirits

engaged freely in open mind-speak, 

spreading like ripples

Coin faces applauding us pair,

encouraged me

to look up and smile if tremulously

at the person there…

He grinned, and said ‘Hello’

(I was lost for words)

and then walked away, glanced back

to see if I’d follow

Yes, follow I did, a free mind, 

body and spirit

for sensing St Peter’s natural affinity

with all humankind

Copyright R. N. Taber 2016