Into the Light OR Half Sick of Shadows

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

I rediscovered (and slightly revised) today’s poem a couple of years ago having written it in  2003 after seeing and admiring a painting by John William Waterhouse while visiting the City Art Gallery in Leeds; it captures the moment in Alfred Lord Tennyson’s poem The Lady of Shallot when the Lady turns her head and sees Lancelot riding by. (See below.) I was in Leeds to give a poetry reading at nearby Headingley Library.

Incidentally, The Lady of Shallot is one of many ‘story’ poems my mother used to tell me as a child; she could recite them all by heart and would do so with all the dramatic effectiveness of a born storyteller.

“I am half-sick of shadows!” said the Lady of Shallot...

Oh, but I know how she felt! During my closet teenage years and early manhood when gay relationships were a criminal offence here in the UK, I seemed to spend half my life among shadows; in the twilight world of gay cruising. Even after decriminalization in 1967, attitudes were s-l-o-w to change and I continued to live half in and half out of those same shadows for far too long before finally coming out into the open once and for all.

Tennyson himself is known to have loved a young man named Arthur Hallam whom he met at Cambridge University. The poet was devastated when Hallam died, officially of a stroke although speculation since suggests suicide. Tennyson then began work on ‘In Memoriam’ that was published anonymously some years later and would scandalize most Victorian readers once it became generally known it was penned by Tennyson; they had assumed it was a love poem written by a woman to her soldier husband.

Those who remain gay-unfriendly for various socio-cultural-religious reasons might care to give some thought as to how they might react if a son or daughter were to admit they are gay, and how they might feel about all the pain their beloved children must have endured while feeling bound to keep their sexuality a secret for fear of rejection.

We don’t ‘become’ gay, but are born this way. There is no shame in it. Besides, don’t parents have a duty of care to those they bring into the world, and shouldn’t love override any socio-cultural-religious dogma?

INTO THE LIGHT or HALF SICK OF SHADOWS

I walked in shadow,

scared to show my face

in case anyone

should read between the lines

and guess why

I ran with shadows,

scared to lift our faces

to the light

in case Apollo tell the world

the reason why

I kissed shadows,

too scared of petty minds

persecuting us

to heed any wistful pillow talk

of coming out

I lay with shadows,

scared petty conventions

hounding us

might spot secrets in our eyes

and ask, ‘Why?’

We were but shadows,

yet love made us stronger

than the sum

of its worst fears, now insisting

we demand, ‘Why?’

We quit shadows,

accepted Apollo’s challenge

to come out

and let the world read our faces

as it will

Wherever gay lovers

among the world’s shadows,

may its humanity

call upon an open mind and spirit

to bring us…

Into the light

Copyright R. N. Taber 2011