See-Hear, Homing in on a Sense of Fulfilment

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

As a partially (not profoundly) deaf person since early childhood, I know only too well some of the problems facing those with any degree of hearing loss. It is, however, only as big a problem as we choose to make it and most of us choose not to let it interfere with the way we live our lives. Certainly, it is less of a ‘disability’ than the attitude of many hearing people towards us.

As a partially deaf gay man I have often experienced something of a double whammy since the attitude of many heterosexuals towards gay people also continues to leave much to be desired. Thankfully, attitudes - in both respects - continue to change; on the whole, for the better. Even so, while digital hearing aids have significantly improved my quality of life with regards to my hearing, living in a multicultural society does gay people no favours where many members insist on clinging to certain cultures that are intrinsically homophobic. 

Gay or straight, male or female, adult or child, whether or not we are perceived as being 'different' in any way, we are all human beings, as deserving to be treated as such as anyone else, regardless of our socio-cultural-religious background.

Whatever, life  is only ever as big a problem as we make it; thankfully, most of us choose to just get on with it, making the best rather than the worst of things. Nor does religion have a monopoly on spirituality; thankfully, the human spirit is an open door, an invitation to explore and make what we will of nature and human nature, and vice versa...from cradle to grave.  The latter may well mark the end of our personal existence, but parts of it, at least, will endure wherever and in whomsoever our mind-body-spirit has touched another; and so it continues, a custom made continuum.

It may be a hackneyed expression, but SO true that there are none so blind as will not see bow deaf as will not hear. We all need to listen to hear that still, small voice within, and look to see what self-
awareness is showing us...

This poem is a villanelle.

SEE-HEAR, HOMING IN ON A SENSE OF FULFILMENT

A blur of silence all around

closing in on me,

all I'd sought yet never found

A yearning to catch the sound

of bird and bee,

a blur of silence all around

Oh, for love's merry-go-round

to offer a chance to be…

all I'd sought yet never found!

Until G-A-Y ran me to ground

persistently…

a blur of silence all around

Suddenly, as beautiful a sound
as any within me…

all I'd sought yet never found

A lore as kind as it is profound 

you taught me…

A blur of silence all around,

all I'd sought yet never found

Copyright R. N. Taber 2002

[Note: This poem is a villanelle; an earlier version first appeared in the anthology, Pure Verse, Anchor Books (Forward Press), 2002 and subsequently in First Person Plural by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, the same year.]

Getting the Better of Bigotry

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Like many if not most gay men of my generation, I have found myself in a few tight corners over the years.

Now, this poem is not strictly autobiographical, but so easily could be. However, it is based on a tale told to me by a one of many wonderful, anonymous, strangers with whom there was a time I would spend many a happy hour (or more)  getting merry (and inwardly debating potential for…whatever) in the heyday of London’s gay bars… (Today’s gay bars are just not the same, ask anyone over 50.)

Sadly, though, I have to say that (yes, even in predominantly gay-friendly London) homophobia is still alive and kicking. Some people are born bigots, regardless of their origins, while multiculturalism does gay people no favours either in the sense that many cultures are intrinsically homophobic, and the more deeply entrenched among us refuse to adapt to a changing world.

GETTING THE BETTER OF BIGOTRY

I’d be walking down a street,

and they would shout after me,

call me a nasty name

I can’t repeat because it makes me

feel, oh, so sick inside,

and there was nowhere to hide;

I’d just go on my way,

asking myself why they hate me

just because I’m gay,

do they even (really) know

themselves…?

I’d be in the local library

and they would surround me,

ape nasty gestures

I can’t describe because it makes me

feel, oh, so bad inside

where there’s nowhere to hide;

I’d just walk away,

asking myself if maybe it’s true

what some people say,

that we never (really) know

our true selves

It was in the local park,

where they ganged up on me,

pulled knives

and I was scared because it made me

feel, oh, so angry inside

and I did not want to hide

or walk away

but told them what I’d learned

the hard way

that only cowards (really) run

from themselves

It was getting dark,

as they closed in for the kill,

just for kicks,

and I braced myself for the fight

of my life, no matter what,

and I didn’t give a thought

how it might end

then someone yelled ‘Police!’

and suddenly

the gang scattered and left me

to myself

I shook my head

as if to clear it of rage and fear,

but in vain,

as through hot tears I saw you

for the very first time,

and I knew you even then

for the stranger

in dreams since just a child,

feelings running wild,

needing someone to love me

for myself

We’re walking down a street,

and people nod knowingly at us

but quickly look away

as we nod knowingly back,

smiles on our faces

because we’re going places

they cannot follow

for we’re going all the way

to where couples the world over 

let love have its way,

and being gay is okay, we have

each other

Copyright R N. Taber 2015

Ghost in the Mirror OR A Rage to Live

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

For any gay person who feels, for whatever reason, that he or she cannot be openly gay, it is a terrible lie to live and burden to carry. I lived that lie for years as a youth and young man (I will be 70 this year) and it not only saddens but horrifies me that in the 21st century there are still gay boys and girls, men and women worldwide, who feel they cannot be openly gay but must give the appearance of being heterosexual. Those responsible, whether within family and/or religious and/or cultural circles should hang their heads in shame for their intolerance and inhumanity. 

Lies, like ghosts, are inclined to haunt us, but not necessarily in a bad way; they can, in truth, drive us towards a kinder reality or at least one likely to invest the inner self with greater integrity than any so-called ‘reality’ we may have been led to believe (for whatever reason) is all there is…

Reality for the human being comprises a multitude of differences; differences that make people not different, just human, and deserving of respect for their humanity regardless of colour, creed, sex or sexuality. If we cannot respect each other’s differences, what chance of finding common ground on which to build a worthwhile relationship as a family member, friend, lover, colleague or whatever...?

The young, closet man I once was would confront lies in mirrors  and shop windows daily. ashamed that I hadn't the strength of character to look the world in the eye. Among the lies, though, were greater truths such as passed on by generations of LGBT people working against intolerable odds to create a better, kinder world for the likes of me; it was for them as much as for myself that I finally y flung the closet door wide open (rather than toe it occasionally ajar) at the ripe old age of 40. Even now, though, I sometimes see that tormented closet self in the eyes of passers-by, fellow passengers on a bus or train...and am truly thankful to be free.

GHOST IN THE MIRROR or A RAGE TO LIVE

I told myself a lie,
lived that lie for years
till (inevitably?)
a day came I broke down
in tears,
and through my tears
I watched the lie
come for me out of a mist
like a ghost

The ghost revealed
the lie had run its course
till (inevitably?)
it was breaking me down
in pieces,
and among the pieces
I caught glimpses
of consequences slowly
killing me

Pieces all in place,
I saw the bigger picture
that (in spite of me)
had haunted my other self
taunting me for years

of giving fictions 
priority over reality,

time to face home truths,

make amends

Reality, taking pride
of place at last, better late
than never ...
all but ready to cast off

a lonely closet past

ill-spent deceiving myself

about wanting to spare 

any loved ones shedding

tears over me

I confessed to the lie,
I‘d hid behind for years
and (inevitably?)
a day came I broke down,
revealed all,
and through my tears
I walked free,
embracing truth, world,
and sexuality

The ghost, it stayed,
a reminder of those years
and (inevitably?)
it rages now and then
in my ears, about
just how it was before

I saw my way 

to holding my head high
for being gay

Copyright R. N. Taber 2015