Making Good Time

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Update June 11th 2019]: A reader, Max, who regularly emails me and appears to enjoy all three blogs, has kindly said  he misses my Google + site since Google recently deleted personal G+ sites, but goes on to say “Whenever I find a poem I really like, I make a note of any search words or phrases in the labels column and use them to find more poems …” Well, thank you Max, and I'm sure some readers will find the tip useful and time-saving. For the record, search words and phrases include: communication, culture, death, dreams, guilt, innocence, history, human nature, human spirit, imagination, love, mind-body-spirit, memory, mortality, nature, past-present-future, personal space, posthumous consciousness, prejudice, religion, relationships, sexuality, society, and time... among others. [Another reader has asked why I often hyphenate several nouns to imply they are one; it's because I see them as inseparable one from the other, a continuum in which we human beings are pivotal, for better or worse...]

Meanwhile...

As regular readers will know, I stayed in the proverbial closet for years; well, it was real enough, and I was in and out of it for years although few people were in the know; the stress was excruciating. A nervous breakdown in the late 1970’s, awful experience though it was, came as no surprise to the few, least of all to me. Mental illness can be a messy affair and mine was no exception. I even attempted suicide, remained unconscious for a good thirty-five hours and escaped death by a whisker, thanks to the efforts of hospital staff and staff at my nearby local surgery where I managed to stagger before passing out. It was a wake-up call and the next few years found me re-appraising mind-body-spirit, warts ‘n’ all.

I was forty-one years old before I finally Came Out to stay; incredible, and not a little sad given that I’d known I was gay from the age of fourteen. My only excuse is cowardice; homosexuality was not well received just about anywhere in the UK throughout the 1950’s - 1990’s, and even now among some families, peers and communities. Old stigma die hard where human nature is concerned.

The evening prior to my finally Coming Out to the world, at work as it so happened, I confided in an old friend who had known about my sexuality for years, being one of my earliest encounters with that species of heterosexual who was confident enough in his own sexuality not to give a damn about anyone else’s. I explained that I felt a pressing need to  come out of that awful closet, but continued to doubt the wisdom of it; it was the early days of Equal Opportunities, but the fickle public was still divided on the issue and various socio-cultural-religious influences prevailed for the most part, as I suspect they still do albeit less obviously so than in certain other countries.

 “Let me put it this way,” said my friend,” Fools may well rush in where angels fear to tread, but do you really want to side with angels or are you saying to yourself, to hell with all that, I just want to be ME, and if that’s a fool’s game I’ll make damn sure I have the time of my life playing it …”

Needless to say, I had already made my choice, just needed someone to spell it out for me. Moreover, I suspect that moment in time is also when I finally, and consciously turned my back on religion to embrace not only nature, but the kinder, more discerning side of human nature as well.

This poem is a villanelle.

MAKING GOOD TIME

We’ll make time for us, just you and I,
where some (still) refuse us the time of day,
but two among millions under the sky

But two among millions under the sky,
wannabe free spirits with a mortgage to pay,
loving life by living for love till we die

We’ll make time for us, just you and I
to live, let live, letting love light up every day,
no matter any dogma raising hue and cry

But two among millions under the sky,
an ordinary couple, contrary to what bigots say
(that same sex relationships prove the lie)

We’ll make time for us, just you and I,
despite needs must discreetly since we’re gay,
and it may (still) matter to passers-by

Hear race, creed, culture having their say,
only, trust the human spirit to find its own way;
we’ll make time for us, just you and I,
but two among millions under the sky


Copyright R N Taber 2019

Tuning into Nature

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

A reader has asked why I often hyphenate several nouns to imply they are one; for example,  mind-body-spirit, past-present-future. It is because I see them as inseparable one from the other, a continuum in which we human beings are pivotal, for better, for worse ...

Someone else has contacted me with a very uplifting story which he suggests I may like to record as a poem. Well, always up for a challenge, me, and I hope you will enjoy the poem below. It appears this reader belongs to a culture that is not gay-friendly, to say the least. He came out to family and friends a few years ago when he met his first love. Sadly, many of the former rejected him for it. After a few years, the relationship ended, not least due to the reader's being estranged from most family members and friends. In recent years, though, he has found love again with another man. By now, it appears many who previously rejected him have come to terms with and are reconciled to his being gay.

The reader writes, “It is wonderful that my new partner and I can enjoy an almost normal life among those we love, although not everyone. We cannot pray as we would like, my partner and I, but prayer does not need four walls, neither does whatever divinity with whom we identify as God … Your poems are very clear on this, and we are grateful for your support even though you are not a religious person …” He goes on to ask  that “poem or no poem” I bring his story to the attention of readers on both blogs on the grounds that “ … too many people reject gays because they do not understand us and it is human nature to be wary of what we do not understand …” (So, true!)

So, here we go, with a poem I plan to post on my general blog tomorrow. I do post gay-interest poems there from time to time although feedback - and audience figures - suggests they are not well received by the majority of readers. Feedback also suggests that relatively few readers of this blog often dip into my general poetry blog, which I find very sad. After all  - as I have said before on the blogs, and probably will again -  a poem is a poem is a poem just as a person is a person is a person, regardless of gender or socio-cultural-religious persuasion.

“When you reach the end of what you should know, you will be at the beginning of what you should sense.” ― Kahlil Gibrán, Sand and Foam

" Your head is a living forest full of songbirds." - e.e.Cummings

TUNING IN TO NATURE

Trying the door, but it slams

in my face as if to say I’ve no right

to enter here, where you are,

no matter if pulse and heartbeat set

on breaking the record

for breaking the time barrier

in the wink of an eye,

catching yours on a late tube train,

devil take the hindmost

Curtains at the window closed,

shutting me out, a cold wind siding

with you against me,

pulse racing, heart beating faster,

and faster, like competitors

in a race, running for running’s sake,

doesn’t matter where or why

nor that blue skies are poised to fall

at destination Endgame 

Shut out, yelling to be let in,

pulse and heartbeat at fever pitch,

a voice ringing in my ears,

telling me to ease up, enjoy the sun

on my face, wind in my hair,

embrace nature and human nature

just as we’d embrace each other

in a home we made with loving care,

meant to stay open all hours

Turning away, tears falling

like acid rain, somewhere a bird

trying to tell me I’ll love again,

not what I wanted or needed to hear,

after a gay love affair ended

and brought me low, but brought

here today, all the more 

happy-proud for having (eventually)

taken a songbird at its word

Copyright R. N. Taber 2019

Ditching the Glitch

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Being a closet gay person is not only sexually frustrating, it can (and often does) affect our mental health. I, for one, suffered a BAD nervous breakdown 40 years ago that resulted in a (fortunately) botched suicide attempt.

Much as we may be in denial, anything that affects our mental wellbeing is likely to have detrimental effect on all aspects of our everyday life. Oh, closet gays appear to function as well as anyone, but we are fooling ourselves. Looking back, I see now that moving from place to place, job to job, unable to settle at anything or with anyone for long prior to my breakdown was directly linked to my being unable to confront my sexuality, embrace it and be openly gay for all manner of reasons. (Okay, excuses if you like.) It wasn’t being gay that was to blame for a long line of mistakes I made until my mid-30’s, but being stuck in that damn closet.

Once I flung open the closet door, everything changed, not always for the better (Well, that’s life) but at least I was now running the show, master of my destiny, not some puppet on a string being manipulated by a flawed mindset that I saw was flawed but could not bring myself to face those flaws head-on. Now, the homophobic and bigoted folks among us, in all walks of life, argue that the greater flaw is being gay. More fool me for being duped during gay-unfriendly formative years into believing that was true.

As it happens, I never met the man of my dreams a second time after my one-and-only died abroad after but a short time together. Even so, since coming out, I have enjoyed sexual encounters all the more for my being honest with myself about them. Besides, love comes in all shapes and forms and is no more dependent on sex than it is answerable to either culture or religion. Love, has a mind of its own, and no one but no one should ever feel ashamed of it, whatever others might say; if it feels right, it is right. Nor should anyone feel that their sexuality puts them at odds with whatever religion they choose to follow. I may not be a religious person, but religion is meant to be about peace and love, right?  I defy anyone to tell me that a God of Love could conceivably be homophobic.

DITCHING THE GLITCH

I make decisions every day,
some good, some bad,

although the latter might easily

have gone the other way

but for a glitch in the works insisting

on having its say,

the more fool, me, for listening

instead of to reservations expressed

by a closet alter ego

I nurture opinions every day,

for better, for worse

although the latter might easily

have gone the other way

but for a Glitch in the works insisting

on having its say,
the more fool, me, for listening

instead of to reservations expressed

by a closet alter ego

I make judgements every day,

some good, some bad,

although the latter might easily

have gone the other way,

but for a Glitch in the works insisting

on having its say,

the more fool, me, for listening

instead of to reservations expressed

by a closet alter ego

Gay lovers have come my way,

for better, for worse,

although the latter might easily

have gone the other way,

but for a glitch in the works insisting

on having its say,
the more fool, me, for listening

instead of to reservations expressed

by a closet alter ego

I met a man (seems like yesterday)

for better, for worse,

although the former might easily

have gone the other way

but for an alter ego on my side insisting

on having its say,

and the wiser, me, for listening

instead of to reservations expressed

by a glitch in the works

Copyright R N Taber 2019