Kin to Shadows

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

I wrote today’s poem while recovering from a severe nervous breakdown in the early 1980s. A very significant, but by no means the only cause for what was essentially a collapse of mind, body and spirit lay in an all but zero self-confidence regarding my sexuality.

If attitudes towards mental health problems leave much to be desired now, they were even worse then, and being gay was a prime suspect. If you were gay, even many (if not most) professionals saw it as a root cause for any distress or sense of alienation likely to result in some personal Armageddon.

Creative writing therapy along with the support of a few wonderful people saw me through those awful years, and I like to think I came through it (eventually) a stronger person; not least, stronger for a sense of identity of which no small part is my sexuality. For years, I had lived like a shadow with only a very nebulous relationship with light. Finally, I was out of all that, and would stay there.

Oh, but they didn’t quite go away, those damn shadows, haunting me for years and resisting efforts to shake them off once and for all like flies on a horse's face. But I finally won through, and old age brings with it a peace of mind even love has never (quite) been able to sustain without having to concede more than the occasional battle if not the war. 

KIN TO SHADOWS

We were as shadows by moonlight

haunting a natural world so bleak and bare

because it refused us its colours

We were as shadows by moonlight

chased by bold hunting horn and bugle blast

down country lane and High Street

We were as shadows by moonlight

until Apollo shamed us one enchanting dawn

with nature’s colours brave and bright

As shadows, we ventured by daylight

into a natural world much less bleak and bare

though it still refused us its colours

Less shadowy, we ventured into sunlight,

deaf to each bold hunting horn and bugle blast

down country lane and High Street

Out of shadows, embracing sunlight,

we held hands, hugged each other and kissed,

wore nature’s colours brave and bright

Kin to shadows, the world’s gay lovers,

lifted in mind and spirit by sun, moon, and stars,

often let down by mothers and fathers

Copyright R. N. Taber 1982; 2013

Hearsay

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

In May, I gave a special mention to the U.S. gay playwright Robert Patrick. I had a particular reason for this. You see, there was a time many years ago when I was young, I was on the streets. Thankfully, it was only for a short time. I will be 65 later this year and don’t think I could survive that kind of life for long again. So I was very sad to receive an email from Robert to say that his savings have reached ‘the point of no return’ and ‘unless the male/male XXX business recoups miraculously, I will be on the street as of November 1st. I haven't been on the streets since Albuquerque in 1959, and it wasn't pleasant then. I don't like to think what it's like now.’

I heard from him again only recently and it appears he has a reprieve until next spring. Meanwhile, though, I continue to share his apprehension.

You can, if you like, help by buying his DVD lecture on The Caffe Cino; the birthplace of gay theatre and other collectors’ items related to his life and work:

http://robertpatrickpersonal.wordpress.com/2010/04/04/lecture-on-dvd-caffe-cino-the-birthplace-of-gay-theatre/

To see over sixty pages of pictures from the first Off-Off Broadway theatre, and the cradle of gay theatre, the Caffe Cino (New York 1958-1968): http://caffecino.wordpress.com/

See also: MY THEATRIKAL KAREER - 1

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=106603&id=614794354&l=832fffa610

MY THEATRIKAL KAREER -2

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=106608&id=614794354&l=a0adadb933

People like Robert Patrick have been clearing a path for gay people for years. We owe a lot to the likes of this man. He has given much of his life to people like us. Maybe now’s the time to give something back, yeah?

Meanwhile…

Here’s another poem from the Taber archives, written in 1963. I considered revising and updating it to make it more meaningful to today’s parents and young people. In the end, I decided to make just a few revisions, retaining the sentiment and much of the wording in the original poem, discovered among others in a pile of old exercise books last year. Hopefully, readers will think my struggle to decipher a schoolboy’s hieroglyphics as best I could was worth the effort.

Although I was in the closet at school, a few people asked me outright if I was gay and there was some gossip. It was a criminal offence in those days. Even so, to my shame, I denied my sexuality to most people and (worse!)  even tried to go straight. Regular readers may recall that I have said before how I was in and out of that damn closet for years before I finally came out to stay. [I honestly don't think I'd have waited so long if I had been born much later than 1945.]

Teenagers, arguably more than anyone, go some tough rounds with maturity. I may not have been out when I was seventeen but I wasn’t (quite) down either…

HEARSAY

Some say that Heaven’s got it in for me
because I’m gay,
that I should get a grip on morality
and look away
from a wicked history of homosexuality

Some say it’s sure to rain on my parade
because I’m gay,
that I should get a grip and not be afraid
to look away
from a life that puts devilry in the shade

Some say I’m flirting with hell’s flames
because I’m gay
and shouldn’t wonder we’re called names
day after day
who choose to play, oh, such queer games

Some ask, is it that I cannot or will not see
what it is to be gay,
chasing lepers’ shadows, the worse misery
because they’re gay,
don’t I realise I am my own worst enemy?

I simply point to the sun coming out for me
not because I’m gay
but (bisexual) Apollo wasn’t one for bigotry
and if old gods fade away,
there’s still a lot to be read into mythology…

There is no way any Heaven has it in for me
because I’m gay,
believing wholeheartedly in the right to be
however it is we may
relate to our colour, creed, sex and sexuality

Copyright R. N. Taber 1963; 2010