It and I

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I have some good friends, but live on my own and sometimes feel lonely. (Don't we all?) At such times, I will often I often go for a stroll on nearby Hampstead Heath, feel close to nature and not in the least bit lonely any more.

I love the Heath for its wide variety of trees, rolling green slopes and ponds whose wildlife residents are invariably as noisy as they are inspiring. Yet, there is another aspect of the natural world that befriended me many years ago. Indeed, readers often ask why it is I have a passion for clouds…

Here's wishing you all peace and love now and always,

IT AND I

I lay on the ground, gazing into a cloud

and we talked, it and I,

touching on things never spoken aloud

A face reassured me I should be proud

of not living a lie;

I lay on the ground, gazing into a cloud

I felt as if I’d spotted a friend in a crowd,

a gleam in each eye,

touching on things never spoken aloud

I struggled with words, once not allowed

(something to do with sexuality);

I lay on the ground, gazing into a cloud

Kindly, like a fairy tale giant, it towered

over me, brushing off fears I let fly,

touching on things never spoken aloud

Enlightened, with Apollo’s heat endowed,

we moved on, it and I;

I lay on the ground, gazing into a cloud,

touching on things never spoken aloud

Copyright R. N. Taber 2009

Mystic River

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What better time to recall a hot summer than in winter? I wrote this poem just after I graduated from university. I have revised it only slightly.

It was summer, 1973. Few people knew I was gay in those days and, to be honest, I still nursed random thoughts about ‘going straight’ in spite of the fact that I’d had sex with men since I was sixteen. Yes, homosexual relationships between ‘consenting adults’ had been legal in the UK since 1967 but an awful lot of people still had a problem with it….just like an awful lot of people still do.

There was another student I had fancied for a good two years but he always had a girl on his arm so I’d long since reconciled myself to the bitter-sweet martyrdom of unrequited love. I was sitting by the banks of the river Stour that runs through Canterbury when he came along and asked if he could join me. We had exchanged a few words but barely knew each other. Even so, I guess I was a familiar face and most of the students had already left. We chatted a while and later ended up in a local bar. I got tipsy (light-headed already, just spending time with him!) and blurted out the truth…that I fancied him like hell…then made a dash for the loo, a nervous (all of a sudden, dead sober) wreck.

He followed me, demanded to know if I was serious. I nodded miserably. He grabbed my arm and I thought, ‘This is it, he’ll rough me up good and proper.’ Instead, he kissed me gently on the lips and we spent the most of the next 48 hours in his room at the university…before going our separate ways.

We didn’t stay in touch. I moved around a lot in those days and will never know if he even tried to contact me again. Ah, but when I rediscovered the poem on a scrap piece of paper, faded to yellow and folded for a bookmark in a copy of Giovanni's Room, a fine novel by James Baldwin… those 48 hours fast forwarded a good 40 years...

MYSTIC RIVER 

We sat by the river,

a river that flows forever

into an endless sea

We talked by the river,

a river that flows forever

into prose and poetry

We played by the river,

a river that flows forever,

letting even art go free

All ages in the river,

a river that flows forever,

fish for someone’s tea

In love by the river,

a river that flows forever

into the heart of me

Copyright R. N. Taber 1973; rev.2009

Supper With Leo

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When he was twenty-four years old, Leonardo Da Vinci was arrested, along with several young companions, on a charge of sodomy. No witnesses appeared against them and the charges were dropped. Renaissance Florentines didn't make the distinctions we make about sexuality today. Apparently, it was not uncommon for young men to get into sexual relationships with each other.

Leonardo had no known relationships with women, never married, had no children, and raised many young protégés, including one nicknamed "Salai" which means "offspring of Satan. Salai was generally thought to be something of a rascal. Salai stayed with the painter for over twenty years and appears many times in Leonardo's sketchbooks.

It’s interesting (to say the least) just to speculate that one of the greatest painters of all time may well have been homosexual. At the same time, why should a person’s sexuality even matter?

Those Renaissance Florentines had the right idea and no mistake.

This poem is a villanelle.

SUPPER WITH LEO 

A great painting,

like supper with a friend,

says everything

Eating, drinking,

living, loving without end;

a great painting

Promising, denying,

sharing wine with a friend,

says everything

Giving, taking,

those trying hours we spend;

a great painting

Believing, disbelieving

what’s seen, heard to the end,

says everything

Passion, suffering,

though death, too, a friend;

A great painting

says everything

[From: A Feeling For The Quickness Of Time by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2005]

This Life

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[Update) (August 26/2016): Sometimes I post photos with my poems and several readers have complained that I include photos of gay men kissing. One reader writes, ‘I am OK with gay people and quite enjoy many of your gay poems (I am not gay) but find photos of gay men kissing offensive.’ In other words, the reader has no problem with gay men so long as they are discreet and out of sight. Sorry, but this attitude makes me see red. Similarly, some religious leaders claim that it is OK to be gay so long as we don’t ‘do’ anything. Such attitudes are absurd in this day and age and very hypocritical (but not uncommon) among those who claim to be ‘OK’ with sexuality. What can I say other than, get real and grow up?

Now, whether or not this life is all we have, it is all we have as we know it so ... let's make the best of it, yeah? Even in countries where same sex relationships remain a criminal offence (to their shame) there is room in our private space for love in all it shapes and forms so let's not make LGBT relationships an exception ... and maybe, hopefully, there will come a time when they are acceptable everywhere. There will always be socio-cultural-religious bigots, of course, if only because the old saying is so true; you can please some of the people some of the time, but you can't please all the people all the time. 

[Photo taken from the Internet]

THIS LIFE

That first time you touched me, I found myself,

but it took your kiss to acknowledge it

That first time we made love my heart took flight

to a sunny heaven once as dark as night

That first time we lay, spent, in each other’s arms

I heard Pan’s flute, seduced by its charms

That first time we quarrelled and resolved to part,

I experienced the sorrow of a broken heart

That first time we spilled sexuality's loving cup,

we shared the sheer ecstasy of making up

That first time we tested the world’s prejudices,

I felt so proud to be gay, and forever yours

Once lost, and no one quite understanding why.
now found, and embracing this life till I die


Copyright R. N. Taber 2007; 2018

[Note: An earlier version of this poem appears under the title 'That First Time' in Accomplices To Illusion by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2007]

More than Bit Parts on the World Stage

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A new poem today, inspired by a recent conversation with a complete stranger in his mid-50s with whom I got chatting in a local bar. His story is one that invoked core feelings of despair, loneliness, confusion and a determination to rise above these to which I suspect I am not the only gay person can easily relate. 

When all seems lost, the way ahead long and bleak, we can but embark on a voyage of rediscovery..

MORE THAN BIT PARTS ON THE WORLD STAGE 

I was but a dreamy youth
when they cast me out, family and friends,
from birth home and hearth
into a winter of the heart that would last
(oh, so many lonely years)
cast adrift  on a raging river of tears,
dreams ebbing away,
rage screaming at me I’m not to blame
for the world, my enemy,
time refusing to let me think  long
on a place to belong

Why should it matter I’m gay
when all that really matters in this life
is that we give it our best shot,
do right by that still small voice
playing director to we actors
in the greatest play on Earth till the curtain
falls to (hopefully) some applause
where we’ve acted out the art and soul
of human sexuality, bared it
to the critic’s eye, dared it deny us
in all fairness?

I grow old, yet adrift no more,
but safe and content enough on a shore
much closer to home
than ever thought possible years ago
during that winter of the heart
where it longed so to skip among lambs
in the first throes of spring,
swim a river into a long, hot summer,
leap with salmon into autumn,
let Memory’s glowing coals defy
wintry snowfalls

All I yearned for and thought
but a dream, you showed me, gave me,
loved me as only true lovers can,
and though some said our love was a sin
because we were two men,
we’ve skipped among lambs in spring,
swam rivers into summer,
leapt with salmon in autumn, fanned
Memory’s glowing coals
in the faces of those who wish us
wintry snowfalls

Copyright R. N. Taber 2012

G-A-Y, Telling It Straight

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I received an email some time ago - one of many - from the parent of a gay person who feels somehow 'to blame' for their being gay. In the sense that I believe sexuality is in the genes, I suppose this may be (very) loosely true. But gay people gave a choice. Most of us could live a 'straight' life if that's what we want for ourselves, and some do. Just because a man is gay, doesn't mean he can't have sex with a woman. Similarly, lesbians might prefer intimacy with other women, but that doesn't mean they can't have sex with a man.

Society - even these days - doesn't make the choice an easy one. Gay men and women may have to give other people time to get used to the idea, especially family and friends (unaware of the struggle going on within us) who may feel hurt that you hadn't confided in them sooner.

Despite positive legislation, being 'out' in the workplace can be just as tough, especially if you work with children and young people. So many misleading, outdated and offensive stereotypes continue to attach themselves to gay people, particularly gay men. We are not perverts and, for the record, paedophilia is not - nor has ever been - synonymous with homosexuality. Most gay people get on well with children and young people (possibly because they too know - only too well - the frustration of feeling misunderstood and/or patronised). Invariably there will be a few exceptions (aren't there to every rule?) that grab the attention of the media. So it is that stereotype continues to be piled on stereotype...

Blame implies guilt. Gay people have nothing to feel guilty about. Nor have their parents.

Guilt is a destructive force. Once it strikes, you have battles royal on your hands. You win some, you lose some. The important thing is to focus on winning the war. I lost one major battle many years ago and it led to a nervous breakdown. But I survived. Moreover, in doing so, I learned a lot about human nature, including my own.

There are a LOT of GOOD people in the world ready to believe the better of people, not the worst. True, I still suffer from depression. But people had faith in me at a time when I had none in myself. I cannot let them down.

One of the reasons for my breakdown was that I had not confronted my sexuality head-on. Oh, I had gone around the mulberry bush a few times and been in and out of the closet like a jack-in-a-box. But you cannot make a choice about something unless you face up to it and explore the implications. It was a long, hard process. I like to think I have come through it a better person. Certainly, I discovered a sense of spirituality that religion never gave me. This, too, helps me rise above depression and get on with my life…not as gay person, but as a person who just happens to be gay. No excuses, and none needed. No one to blame, it's a fact of life. Gay people aren't perfect, but who is?

G-A-Y, TELLING IT STRAIGHT 

They told me being gay I would regret,

that I should take the conventional road

so family, friends, and people I met

wouldn’t be offended or get tongue-tied

The onus was on me to realize

an obligation to society,

rendering to Caesar what is Caesar’s

rather than courting impropriety

Having listened to all they had to say

and seen how some straight people carry on,

I beg to differ - it’s not being gay

that’s letting, dragging society down

Among the world’s worst and saddest vices,

something said about stones and glasshouses

[From: A Feeling for the Quickness of Time by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2005]

  

Getting the Better of Winter

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Across the northern hemisphere in winter, we think of cosy fires and keeping warm while on the other side of the world it may well be the sun’s heat sea is throwing out an invitation to jump in the sea and cool off.

Wherever, fortunate indeed are they for whom a warm glow engages with the heart and  throws out an invitation it cannot refuse.

Me, I love the seaside in winter. Yes, it can be a lonely place, but so can anywhere else where we feel the need to home in on love...

GETTING THE BETTER OF WINTER 

We sat on a bench looking out at the sea;

you edged closer, laid a hand on my knee,

arms around each other the way friends do

only this time, something different, new

I felt your hand move until it found mine,

caress my fingers lightly then entwine;

hot breath on my cheek like intimate lace

though I dare not turn, look you in the face

Not a word, your head on my shoulder,

my mind in turmoil, heart beating louder;

I froze and hastily you pulled away,

winter closing in on us, sad and grey

I turned, licked my lips and leapt the abyss;

on the other side, we shared our first kiss

[From: Accomplices To Illusion by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2007]