Self-Belief OR Destination, Otherworld

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“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” -  Mark Twain

“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.” - ― Michel de Montaigne

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.”- Marilyn Monroe

“One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself.” - Shannon L. Alder

“Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” - M. Scott Peck 

“Be faithful to that which exists within yourself.” - Andre Gide

“People may flatter themselves just as much by thinking that their faults are always present to other people's minds, as if they believe that the world is always contemplating their individual charms and virtues.” - Elizabeth Gaskell

Foe a variety of reasons, many of us suffer with low self-esteem, sometimes all our lives. I have to admit to being one of the, although I have made real progress over the years in rising above such feelings. Born and raised during the bigoted 1950’s, I was made to feel an inferior person from the time I realised I am gay, at the age of 14. Regular readers will know that I spent years in a lonely closet, rarely confiding in anyone that I was gay until ‘coming out’ to the world in my late 30’s.

Noe was my lack of self-esteem due solely to a rampant homophobia. I am not a very practical person, but found myself in a Technical High School which specialised in practical subjects like woodwork, metalwork, and technical drawing, at all of which I was next to useless and would make the kind of errors that inevitably caught a teacher’s eye; they would, in turn, bring it to the attention of the whole class. Oh, I would laugh it off, but inwardly feel positively sick.

As regular readers will also know, I had a poo relationship with my father, constantly having a go at me for “having my head in a book’ and making me feel a lesser person for that, especially as compared with my older brother who was practical, sporty and all the things my father expected of a son. Rightly or wrongly, I felt psychologically bullied and hadn’t yet learned to effectively stand up for myself without provoking an almighty row.

We are who we are and should not feel a need to justify how we identify ourselves to anyone. Being made - intentionally or otherwise - to feel less of a person by anyone, especially during our formative years or in the workplace, wherever … it can take years, if ever, to shake off a sense of inferiority.

I feel a greater sense of freedom these days, having learned mu lessons the hard way but cannot help wishing I had especially come across the Elizabeth Gaskell quote (above) during my younger years as a bookworm. 

SELF-BELIEF or DESTINATION, OTHERWORLD

Being told this, told that,
and failing to achieve a good result,
gave mind-body-spirit
a sense of falling apart, being unequal
to perspectives on me
I couldn’t work through or begin to share
however hard I’d try,
until I started listening to that voice within
reminding me I'm my own person

All but persuaded to find
my own way in a world confusing me
every step I’d take,
urging I do this or maybe rather do that
to get anywhere,
be the Someone those expecting far more
of me may rest assured
that, if only I’d listened to all they had to say,
I’d have chosen to go a ‘better’ way 

Time and again I’d feel lost,
unsuited and confused by worldly ways
others fell into with ease,
until I stumbled on home truths no-one
had led me to believe,
till mind-body-spirit made time and space
to replace the 'me'
I'd see through other eyes with my very own,
no less from without as from within

I saw a world judging me neither sinner nor fool,
made my peace with heart-and-soul 

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2023

[Note: This post-poem also appears on my general poetry blog today.] RT

Yes!

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“It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength.” - Maya Angelou

 “When we're talking about diversity, it's not a box to check. It is a reality that should be deeply felt and held and valued by all of us.” - Ava DuVernay

“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.” - Audre Lorde

“Same-sex marriage has not created problems for religious institutions; religious institutions have created problems for same-sex marriage.” ― DaShanne Stokes

“My only regret about being gay is that I repressed it for so long. I surrendered my youth to the people I feared when I could have been out there loving someone. Don't make that mistake yourself. Life's too damn short.” - Armistead Maupin

Now,  apologies for making you wait for my first gay-specific post-poem of 2023.
As regular readers will know, I am in my late 70’s now and battling health issues on several fronts. As regular readers will also know, I have found it find it much harder to write gay-interest poems since being diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2012 and increasingly having to live in a Memory Box on Memory Lane.  😉

Mind you, a Memory Box beats a closet any day...😁

Stay safe, folks, stay positive, and never be afraid of saying "YES!" to being happy.

YES!

My gay lover asked me,
“How can we stay happy in a closet
like this...?”
My answer, a long, passionate kiss,
but my gay lover persisted,
“A kiss is no answer but to a dream,
so, let’s get real?
We need to tell family, friends, trust
they will see we are still
the same people, nor has being gay
been a choice

The only choice, each other,
as free to fall in love as anyone else,
anywhere in the world,
even where insensitivity, ignorance
about sexual identity
would mock us, even see us in jail
or worse...
The Here-and-Now, challenges us all
to live, laugh, cry,
 try to be happy, each in our own way,
straight or gay

We love family and friends
who love us too, so why unable to see 
how our differences
are in name only, the name of the game
being Fear…
Fear of the unknown, fear of being alone,
cast out by a religion
expecting us to stay true to its dogma
or go to a hell
that any of us knows, yes, only too well,
and made to dwell

Let’s come out to the world, You-Me-Us,
for better or worse, like everyone else?

YES!

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2023

The Upbeat Heart

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Today's entry is from my general poetry blog archives for September 2013.

You don’t have to be in the media spotlight to influence people, even society, for the better; big or small, every contribution counts and we can all make one.

Setting a good example can make a big difference; it may start off as a small ripple on a BIG pond, but it will spread. Much the same can be said for setting a bad example, of course, and we would all do well to remember that. At the same time, in various socio-cultural-religious respects, different people have different takes on what constitutes good and bad. I guess all we can do is engage with and trust our better, kinder, instincts. (At least the meaning of kindness is universally understood if not always much in evidence.)

Ah, but if we can see a ripple spread, we rarely get to see what difference our words and everyday behavior make. Take good manners for example; they seem to have gone out of the window here in recent years, but just saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to someone may well encourage them to do the same and so on, making more of us feel just that little bit better, even hopeful that this sorry world of ours might also take a turn for the better any time soon. Our differences, too, can make a difference to the much divided world in which we live and its splintered societies..by pulling together and creating a better world to pass on to those who deserve better.

This (revised) poem is a kenning. Like many of my later poems, this one is the more mature version of an earlier piece. So why publish the earlier piece? Well, it seemed a good idea at the time, and like many good ideas feedback has since shaped it into something much the same yet significantly different. 

THE UPBEAT HEART

How will it all end,

if they have their way, clerics

and politicians pulling me  

in all directions?

Will some fallen angel

pick on me and drag me away

or will a gentler spirit

have mercy, find a place for me

come Judgment Day?

Shall wolfish death

delight in tearing us apart

or strike swiftly

and cleanly at the human heart,

lost doves find their way,  

defy infernal dark, fly eternal light

or (conveniently) consigned

to mythology, out of human mind

and history’s sight

Not ours to know the how,

where, or when, but be glad to give,

learn, unite in Love and Peace

than passively wait Death’s turn

with us while our ‘betters’

play politics with common sense,

and the better, kinder, part

of human nature gets on with making

all the difference

I am that up-beat of the human heart

that gives humanity a head start

Copyright R. N. Taber 2004; 2013

[Note: This poem has been substantially revised from an earlier version published in 1^st editions of The Third Eye by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2004 and subsequently in Ygdrasil:, a Journal of the Poetic Arts, May 2006.]

Protest in Paradise OR G-O-D spells Love (Inclusively, in any Language)

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Many people from various socio-cultural-religious backgrounds continue to actively condemn gay/ LGBT relationships. A Christian I used to work with - a charming woman -  once told me that while she, personally, had no problem with my being gay she regretted I would go to Hell. Others - from various religious backgrounds - have been  as forthright and said there would be no place for LGBT people in paradise.

Fortunately, not everyone from (various) religious backgrounds feels the same way and sees God as an all-inclusive God of Love.

Now, regular readers will know that I am not a religious person, and this has nothing to do with my being gay. I rejected religion even as a child because I found it didactic and divisive. Yes, I like to think I have a strong sense of spirituality, but I take it from nature where religion offers me nothing to which I can even begin to relate.

Whatever, I cannot conceive of any ‘God’ that would condone any form of discrimination against anyone simply on the grounds of their sex, ethnicity, creed or sexuality; if it were so, that particular religion would make no sense if only on the grounds of its inhumanity.

So if you subscribe to a religion, aspire to its interpretation of Heaven and are gay, never let anyone tell you there is no place for you in it.

PROTEST IN PARADISE or G-O-D SPELLS LOVE (INCLUSIVELY, IN ANY LANGUAGE)

My God, these people are gay!

What on earth can we do?

Can’t we just send them away?

Looks and speech are everyday,

(easy to slip through);

My God, these people are gay!

What on earth will the hets say?

They’ll be such a to-do…

Can’t we just send them away?

A voice in the soul says, ‘pray’

but it speaks to them too;

My God, these people are gay!

Commit themselves as they may

to a love running true,

can’t we just send them away?

Same sex couples should pay

but of course it’s up to you;

My God, these people are gay!

Can’t we just send them away?

No, you say? So, why, pray…? 

Copyright R. N. Taber 2007

[Note: This poem first appeared on the blog a few years ago and feedback indicated that some readers were offended. No offence intended, I assure you.]

Winter Wonderland

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.We should never underestimate the lasting power of true friendship. Yes, some so-called friends are shallow and easily offended, especially when they are nursing a hurt ego, while others may well need time to understand that a hurt ego needs nursing back to health, and not left to fester. (Yes, I know I have said much the same thing many times on my blogs, but, something worth saying is always worth repeating.)

It can come as a shock to some family members and friends when a gay man or woman flings open his or her dark closet and lets in the sunlight. Sunlight can be blinding sometimes.

Years ago, when I was just a boy at school, a teacher asked why I had fallen out with my best friend. I can’t remember over what we had argued, but I do recall it was something that seemed important at the time, but with hindsight was trivial. The teacher made a comment I have never forgotten, to the effect that a friendship worth having is always worth saving, whatever it takes.

Over the years, I have fallen out with lots of people for various reasons (as most if not all of us do) and I always ask myself this question, does it really matter?  Sometimes, the answer is an unequivocal ‘yes’ in which case I will always do my best to patch things up with that person.  Where the friendship is strong, I always succeed, and if it means swallowing a little pride, it has always been worth it.

I guess there is nothing like falling out with someone to make us realise whether or not we really want that person in our life. If we do, we just have to hope they feel the same way, and wherever the friendship runs true, an olive branch will (nearly) always do the trick. Someone, though, has to make the first move...

WINTER WONDERLAND

The first snow of winter falling,
as I walked in woods alone,
I heard a familiar voice calling,
asking where I had gone

I'd seen nothing of you for ages,
since we’d argued one day
over filling time’s blank pages
with graffiti for my being gay

Suddenly, I heard a robin making
the case for your defence, 
our friendship up for the saving,
no matter what odds against

You said I should have been open
about my being gay;
I'd raged, hurt by your reaction,
ignoring all you had to say  

Calmer as the snow began settling,
(my feet, minds of their own)
I faced demons I’d been wrestling,
resolved to put them down

At your front door, I rang the bell,
wondering if you’d answer;
when you did, a big hug said it all,
the best of friends forever

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2015

Hindsight

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Long before I realised I am gay, I was very self-conscious of my failings on both home and school fronts. I wore horrible glasses for years, had a bad lisp that was not all but obliterated with speech therapy in my 20's and a hearing problem neither I nor anyone else understood until I was referred to a specialist, also in my 20's. Other kids would often make fun of me although I pretended to take it in my stride and with good humour. Once, it was all too much for me and a teacher found me sobbing in the cloakroom. 'I wish I wasn't so different from all the other kids,' I confided. 'Being different makes you vulnerable,' she said, 'Start believing in yourself, Roger. You'll see, others will soon catch on and start respecting you for it.' Sound advice, from the only female teacher in the whole school.

Here’s another poem from the archives, rediscovered in an old exercise book last year and slightly revised (where I couldn’t read my handwriting!) and gave it a title. It was written in 1982 as I was beginning to emerge from the other end of a severe nervous breakdown and probing my past for ways of exorcising certain ghosts that continued to haunt me.

I should add that my ghosts were (and still are) a mixed bag of downright vindictive, placidly benign, incredibly friendly and spiritually inspiring. Consequently, a crude but demonstrably effective self-assessment took place over many weeks as I undertook to sort the good from the bad.

Even in those days, I found no peace of mind in religion so turned to nature instead. I refer to God in a very loose sense, a synonym for rather than a source of spirituality. Some people would call me an agnostic or atheist, even a pagan, while I prefer to think of myself as a pantheist.

HINDSIGHT

I lay under a sycamore tree
sunshine cascading down on me
like a slide we used to play on
when we were just children;
it was by the sycamore tree,
sunshine cascading down on me,
you slid into my embrace,
childhood gone, youth in its place

I lay under the sycamore tree,
sunshine cascading down on me,
watching an angel take a turn
on the slide we’d made our own;
the angel whispered in my ear
home truths I didn’t want to hear,
told me time would pass me by
once life had me hooked on a lie

I lay under the sycamore tree,
sunshine cascading down on me,
conscience in as slippery a skin
as the slide we had finally chosen,
one long, lovely, secret summer
bringing us ever closer to each other,
into as sweet an intimacy sliding
as an angel sending God’s blessing

We took a decision that day
to tell the world we’re proud and gay,
vowed to run its gamut
(no matter who or where or what)
of societies not on our side,
where prejudice and history preside,
humanity in as slippery a skin
as the slide we’d finally forsaken

Yet, you reneged on that vow;
it was years on before I discovered how
to look society in the face
(fellow members of the human race)
while you married, had children,
chose a far more slippery slide to play on
than you’d shared with me
long ago under the sycamore tree

Ugly road signs now, the old tree cut down
where a roundabout leads in or out of town

Copyright R. N. Taber, 1982; 2010 (Rev. title 2017)