Self-Belief OR Destination, Otherworld

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” -  Mark Twain

“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.” - ― Michel de Montaigne

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.”- Marilyn Monroe

“One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself.” - Shannon L. Alder

“Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” - M. Scott Peck 

“Be faithful to that which exists within yourself.” - Andre Gide

“People may flatter themselves just as much by thinking that their faults are always present to other people's minds, as if they believe that the world is always contemplating their individual charms and virtues.” - Elizabeth Gaskell

Foe a variety of reasons, many of us suffer with low self-esteem, sometimes all our lives. I have to admit to being one of the, although I have made real progress over the years in rising above such feelings. Born and raised during the bigoted 1950’s, I was made to feel an inferior person from the time I realised I am gay, at the age of 14. Regular readers will know that I spent years in a lonely closet, rarely confiding in anyone that I was gay until ‘coming out’ to the world in my late 30’s.

Noe was my lack of self-esteem due solely to a rampant homophobia. I am not a very practical person, but found myself in a Technical High School which specialised in practical subjects like woodwork, metalwork, and technical drawing, at all of which I was next to useless and would make the kind of errors that inevitably caught a teacher’s eye; they would, in turn, bring it to the attention of the whole class. Oh, I would laugh it off, but inwardly feel positively sick.

As regular readers will also know, I had a poo relationship with my father, constantly having a go at me for “having my head in a book’ and making me feel a lesser person for that, especially as compared with my older brother who was practical, sporty and all the things my father expected of a son. Rightly or wrongly, I felt psychologically bullied and hadn’t yet learned to effectively stand up for myself without provoking an almighty row.

We are who we are and should not feel a need to justify how we identify ourselves to anyone. Being made - intentionally or otherwise - to feel less of a person by anyone, especially during our formative years or in the workplace, wherever … it can take years, if ever, to shake off a sense of inferiority.

I feel a greater sense of freedom these days, having learned mu lessons the hard way but cannot help wishing I had especially come across the Elizabeth Gaskell quote (above) during my younger years as a bookworm. 

SELF-BELIEF or DESTINATION, OTHERWORLD

Being told this, told that,
and failing to achieve a good result,
gave mind-body-spirit
a sense of falling apart, being unequal
to perspectives on me
I couldn’t work through or begin to share
however hard I’d try,
until I started listening to that voice within
reminding me I'm my own person

All but persuaded to find
my own way in a world confusing me
every step I’d take,
urging I do this or maybe rather do that
to get anywhere,
be the Someone those expecting far more
of me may rest assured
that, if only I’d listened to all they had to say,
I’d have chosen to go a ‘better’ way 

Time and again I’d feel lost,
unsuited and confused by worldly ways
others fell into with ease,
until I stumbled on home truths no-one
had led me to believe,
till mind-body-spirit made time and space
to replace the 'me'
I'd see through other eyes with my very own,
no less from without as from within

I saw a world judging me neither sinner nor fool,
made my peace with heart-and-soul 

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2023

[Note: This post-poem also appears on my general poetry blog today.] RT

Yes!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

“It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength.” - Maya Angelou

 “When we're talking about diversity, it's not a box to check. It is a reality that should be deeply felt and held and valued by all of us.” - Ava DuVernay

“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.” - Audre Lorde

“Same-sex marriage has not created problems for religious institutions; religious institutions have created problems for same-sex marriage.” ― DaShanne Stokes

“My only regret about being gay is that I repressed it for so long. I surrendered my youth to the people I feared when I could have been out there loving someone. Don't make that mistake yourself. Life's too damn short.” - Armistead Maupin

Now,  apologies for making you wait for my first gay-specific post-poem of 2023.
As regular readers will know, I am in my late 70’s now and battling health issues on several fronts. As regular readers will also know, I have found it find it much harder to write gay-interest poems since being diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2012 and increasingly having to live in a Memory Box on Memory Lane.  😉

Mind you, a Memory Box beats a closet any day...😁

Stay safe, folks, stay positive, and never be afraid of saying "YES!" to being happy.

YES!

My gay lover asked me,
“How can we stay happy in a closet
like this...?”
My answer, a long, passionate kiss,
but my gay lover persisted,
“A kiss is no answer but to a dream,
so, let’s get real?
We need to tell family, friends, trust
they will see we are still
the same people, nor has being gay
been a choice

The only choice, each other,
as free to fall in love as anyone else,
anywhere in the world,
even where insensitivity, ignorance
about sexual identity
would mock us, even see us in jail
or worse...
The Here-and-Now, challenges us all
to live, laugh, cry,
 try to be happy, each in our own way,
straight or gay

We love family and friends
who love us too, so why unable to see 
how our differences
are in name only, the name of the game
being Fear…
Fear of the unknown, fear of being alone,
cast out by a religion
expecting us to stay true to its dogma
or go to a hell
that any of us knows, yes, only too well,
and made to dwell

Let’s come out to the world, You-Me-Us,
for better or worse, like everyone else?

YES!

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2023

Keeper of the Light

 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

“There are hundreds of paths up the mountain, all leading to the same place, so it doesn’t matter which path you take. The only person wasting time is the one who runs around the mountain, telling everyone that his or her path is wrong.” – Hindu Proverb 

“… where Beauty was, nothing ever ran quite straight which, no doubt, which was why so many people looked on it as immoral.” – John Galsworthy

“Re-examine all you have been told. Dismiss what insults your soul.” – Walt Whitman 

 “Beauty awakens the soul to act.” Dante Alighieri

“A thing of beauty is a joy forever.” – John Keats

Now, we all have good and bad memories, but the reason why happier times will always get the better of and rise above the worst is invariably due to an active inner eye and ear focusing on the kinder aspects of heart-and-soul which, by its very nature, will always home in on the positive rather than the negative; the key is, of course to keep focusing on the former, no matter how tough the going may get. 

Yes, sometimes we fail, but where there is life, there always  really is hope… in our hands, be it, no one else’s; any help along the way is always much appreciated, if not always acknowledged at the time....

KEEPER OF THE LIGHT

I see only what I can feel;
though my eyes may well argue
the truth of this,
they cannot win, for the inner eye
sees all that matters
to keep such true faith with me
as exists way beyond
any worldly processes of part or whole
that come to hunt us all

To know me is to love me 
or prove my enemy and yours,
a united front
comprising secret jealousies,
frustrations and rage
that can neither  possess me
nor find an equal
to compare with such mixed a passion
as the poetry of imagination

Hunted, haunted, good-bad
lost and found again, it is I inspires
a greater humanity
to endure, urging all its kind
keep faith with me; 
though Memory’s whim may take us 
here, there, everywhere,
it is for love of me that it can but prevail
for messaging heart-and-soul

I am called Beauty, humanity’s inner eye
on the kinder face of eternity

Copyright R. N. Taber 2022

[Note: This poem-post also appears on my general poetry blog today. Although feedback suggests that more LGBT readers are dipping into both blogs, feedback makes clear that some share a computer and are not ready to be open about their sexual orientation.]

The Lie OR A Matter of Conscience

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

“To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” -  William Shakespeare

If you do not tell the truth about yourself, you cannot tell it about other people. – Virginia Woolf 

“Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others.” Fyodor Dostoevsky

“The worst part about being lied to is knowing you weren’t worth the truth.” Jean-Paul Sartre

Now, I suspect most if not all of us tell lies sometimes, whether to ‘spare’ someone home truths or, more likely, to spare ourselves having to cope with theirs and our own at the same time. Whatever motivates the telling of them can be as deceitful, if not more so, than the lies themselves. 

Living with a lie can be a harsh, lonely environment; such was the closet imposed on me at the ripe old age of 14 years by family, church and a generally homophobic 1950’s before I finally came out as a gay man. There are other closets, of course, and other lies; if the cap fits…?

THE LIE or A MATTER OF CONSCIENCE

Whenever I may try
just to put something right,
you’ll argue with me
one long, dark night till dawn,
and just when I’m sure
I’ve won, a watery sun and birdsong
arrive to prove me wrong

It matters hardly at all
should you colour me white,
for soon forgot,
waiting to catch you out;
if no real harm done,
easy enough to simply shrug me away
if only to nag you another day

It’s who colours me black
or even subtler shades of grey
has the most to fear,
living on the edge of a pit
of snaky half truths
eager to begin, on any slip of the tongue,
a song no swan ever sung

Oh, but I so revel in leading people astray,
anywhere, any time of day... 

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2022

[Note: This poem also appears on my general poetry blog today.] RT

 

An Empathy with Nature (3)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

"If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” - George Orwell

“If freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter.” -George Washington

“I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.” - Charlotte Brontë

"The moment you say that any idea is sacred, whether it's a religious belief or secular ideology, the moment you declare a set of ideas to be immune from criticism, satire, derision or contempt, freedom of thought becomes impossible. - Salman Rushdie

Now, the recent attempted murder of Sir Salman Rushdie an active supporter of free speech has shocked the free-thinking world

The Indian-born Briton, whose novel The Satanic Verses led to death threats from Iran in the 1980s, was about to deliver a lecture at the Chautauqua Institution in New York state, when his attacker leapt on stage and stabbed him.

Fortunately, it has been reported that Sir Salman is no longer on a ventilator and is able to speak, although it is possible that he may have sustained potentially life-changing injuries as a result of the attack on Friday.  

Free expression and a personal space which embraces a sense of spirituality, whatever our religious or secular beliefs, deserve to be seen as mutually inclusive. I see it as the bottom line in the argument for agreeing to differ, on which most if not all my poetry posts are based

AN EMPATHY WITH NATURE (3)

Humanity is all-embracing
where ‘all’ includes you-me-us 
in any language, culture
and creed, a worthy heads-up 
to freedom of expression
and a sense of no holds barred,
in such walks of life
and corners of an ever-sickening world
where denied the last word

Fear of losing kith and kin,
has never been reason enough
to hide behind any lie
or threat even love may feel
called upon to impose, adopting
a false persona,
for an only-human need to be seen
betraying neither native beliefs nor ideals
incumbent on heart-and-souls

Life was a closet -prison,
no escape, till I found someone
to listen to me
(non-judgementally) sensing
my pain and insecurity
as a human being, no awful stereotype
conjured up by society
to conceal its ignorance, put its shame to rout
for failing LGBT+ folks coming out

I am Redemption, author of my own salvation,
if only for taking the edge off being human 

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2022

[Note: This post-poem also appears on my general poetry blog today.] RT

An Empathy with Nature (2)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

“In the depths of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” – Albert Camus

“Human nature is not a machine to be built after a model, and set to do exactly he work prescribed for it, but a tree, which requires to grow and develop itself on all sides, according to the tendency of the inward forces that make it a living thing.” John Stuart Mill

“The temple bell stops, but I still hear the sound coming out of the flowers.” - Matsuo Basho

“This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples, no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is the temple. The philosophy is kindness.” Dalai Lama

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” – Maya Angelou

The idea or metaphor of the human body as a temple isn’t exclusive to any religion, can also be found in various religious texts. One example is fasting, practiced in order to grow closer to some divine life force by distancing oneself from worldly dependencies, such as food and other pleasures.

Sadly, this very distancing can encourage a degree of separatism within various societies / communities worldwide, where the art of agreeing to differ is more likely to light the flames of aggression than any candles of peace among those members who are (understandably if not always appropriately) more concerned with driving home their own point of view than agreeing to differ. 

Our sexuality is an expression of who, not what we are; for sure, it is not an attack on the temple of the human body since we are born this way; it is not a choice. The only choice is whether or not we feel encouraged to express it and look the world in the eye as we do so.

As regular readers of both my poetry blogs (my fiction blog too) will know, I was in my early 30’s before I finally emerged from the closet that had been my prison since I first realised I was gay at the age of 14 years (during what were overtly homophobic 1950’s here in the UK.).

60+ years on, I’d have hoped for a much kinder world, any perceived ‘differences’ regarding gender, ethnicity, culture or religion seen as making a positive contribution to a common humanity and welcomed as such. It is good to see this happening, especially among young people around the world, many if not most of whom deserve better than the awful prospect of being made to feel rejected - intentionally or not - by kith and kin.

AN EMPATHY WITH NATURE (2)

Some abuse me, say I sin
whose faith would condemn me
to serve a life sentence
or finding my own way, not theirs,
accessing a sense
of spirituality reflecting the real me,
(yes, warts 'n all);
no copycat stereotype, me, for a spirituality
that lets me BE

Consider mind-body-spirit
a temple to life forces, both worldly
and divine? In the latter
we can trust its promises to fulfil,
by way of heart-and-soul in good time;
i any other we can but hope
our judgement not in error, or else
we have but ourselves to blame, no comfort
 in hindsight…

Given life, a learning curve
my kind would do well to climb,
grow wiser to home truths,
give its kinder voices a say for the sake
of a common good,
respect various differences of opinion,
in all corners of society;
no life force has a monopoly on the humanity
that lets us BE 

Call me Sacrilege, in this heaven-and-hell world
where Peace so needs to have the last word…?

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2022

[Note: This post appears on both my gay and general poetry blogs.] RT

  

An Empathy with Nature (1)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

“Love has no gender - compassion has no religion - character has no race.” - Abhijit Naskar, [Either Civilized or Phobic: A Treatise on Homosexuality]

“Human nature is not a machine to be built after a model, and set to do exactly he work prescribed for it, but a tree, which requires to grow and develop itself on all sides, according to the tendency of the inward forces that make it a living thing.” John Stuart Mill

“In terms of sex between same-sex partners, the objection that "the parts don't fit" doesn’t make sense on even the most logical level. If the parts didn't work together, frankly, people wouldn't be putting them together.” -  Kathy Baldock [Walking the Bridgeless Canyon: Repairing the Breach Between the Church and the LGBT Community]

“Our common humanity is more important than all the things that divide us.” – Mairead Corrigan

Now, as regular readers will know, some years ago, I began writing a trilogy, the title of each volume to be Blasphemy, Sacrilege and Redemption; it was never finished. I had been given to understand that an American publisher would publish it, but it transpired that he was only interested in breaking into the UK market. When Blasphemy failed to comply, he lost interest in any companion volumes. 

Although I had already written Sacrilege, no UK publishers expressed any interest in a gay-interest trilogy. Moreover, a very rude letter from the American publisher, making fun of my self-publishing logo, “Assembly Books” left me loath to complete the trilogy. He clearly had no sense of irony which, regrettably, I took to heart at the time.

Later, I published Sacrilege along with Blasphemy and my other novels on my fiction blog, but was already having to deal with health issues that, dissuaded me from writing Redemption.

Why Blasphemy-Sacrilege-Redemption? The enduring hope was to get across the idea that any form of prejudice is a blasphemy, just as physically and/ or emotionally abusing LGBT+ folks is a sacrilege and our ability to rise above it and come together in peace and love with the blessing of friends and family (gay or straight, kith and kin alike) is nothing short of a redemption. 

For my own part, those early closet years were a living death, nor ever have I felt so alive as when I felt the full force of mind-body-spirit prompting me to to get real and come out. . 

Subscribers to conventional religions may well take offence; none intended, though, as my only intention has ever been to endorse the Human Right to differ. Besides, any religious argument that  God is Love loses credence in the face of any form of prejudice within the framework of a common humanity. Me, I consider myself a Pantheist, a feeling for God as nature rather than its creator, having always felt a closer affinity and sense of spirituality with nature. 

As in all matters across the human landscape, we cannot expect to always accept or even understand some of the choices people make, simply respect them as we respect theirs, not cause dispute and irreparable division, especially in matters of the heart. No one should be made to feel a sinner, whatever their religion, for staying true to their native sexuality; nor, I imagine, would any God of Love judge us so.

Regular readers of any or all of my blogs will know that agreeing to differ, rather than fighting over whatever, it is a matter close to my heart.

So…such is the background to a proposed trilogy of poems,  An Empathy with Nature (1), (2) and (3) of which the first appears below.

Now, I hope to complete (2) and (3) within a few weeks, but have to confess that health issues are proving a hindrance to just about everything I attempt at the moment, so there may be some delay.

Each poem will also appear on my general blog. Doubtless, some readers there will complain that my  Gay/ LGBT+- interest poems should be restricted to this blog, but a poem has something to say to everyone, just as prejudice is inclined to raise its ugly head anywhere and everywhere.

 AN EMPATHY WITH NATURE (1)

Some abuse me, say I sin
whose faith would condemn me 
to serve a life sentence,
prisoner of heart-and-soul,
unable to break free,
give the real me an opportunity
to be as faces in the moon
haunt my days, assure me night after night
that no wrong could feel so right

No conventional religion
would concede me the spirituality
my imagination feeds on,
taking my cue from earth, sea and sky,
all things bright ad beautiful,
creatures great and small, like candles
to love-hope-peace, lessons
for the learning in nature and human nature,
to embrace, pas on, nurture

No true love can be a sin,
regardless of whatever any religion
might have to say,
nor yearning flesh to yearning flesh,
whatever gender, but set on
giving the poetry of mind-body-spirit
a voice; no ego calling,
only a spirituality made fearful of rejection
by strictures on kith and kin

It well may be that home
is where heart-and-soul comes alive,
leaving doubts and fears
for the love of one above all others;
yet, love is ever plural,
has room aplenty for family and friends,
whose love and understanding
may yet be still relied upon as freely given;
such is the art of being human

Call me Blasphemy in a heaven-and-hell world
where Bigotry so loves to have the last word...?

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2022

S

Keyword, Pride

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber  

 “What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it’s curved like a road through mountains.” - Tennessee Williams

“Love demands expression. It will not stay still, stay silent, be good, be modest, be seen and not heard, no. It will break out in tongues of praise, the high note that smashes the glass and spills the liquid.” — Jeanette Winterson

 “Personally, coming out was one of the most important things I’ve ever done, lifting from my shoulders the millstone of lies that I hadn’t even realized I was carrying.” – Sir Ian McKellan

“I’m living by example by continuing on with my career and having a full, rich life, and I am incidentally gay.” - Portia de Rossi

Now, today celebrates fifty years of Pride, LGBT+ folks defying the prejudices of certain world societies and religions to demonstrate a sense of pride and spirituality in being human, nor any less so for their sexuality.

As as regular readers know, I am in my mid-seventies and, like many others around the world, having to deal with various health issues as well as those that too often accompany the process of growing old(er).  I cope ok(ish), but suspect that I could not have done so had I not eventually seen my way to turning my back on the multiple, offensive faux stereotypes that attempted to define us when I was growing up in the 1950’s. I regret waiting too long to look, the world in the eye as a gay ma, but... better late than never.

Tragically, for various socio-cultural reasons, many LGBT+ folks around the world still feel obliged to endure the appalling loneliness and pain of a closet existence.

Coming out of that closet, made me a better person, but not before it had wrought such psychological damage on me that, even now, continues to inflict such nightmares from time to time as I would not wish on anyone, anywhere.

KEYWORD, PRIDE

Drawn to a bar 
neither gay nor straight,
all-comers welcome,
a pint of beer calling me
I could not ignore,
a growing need for company
at the heart of me

Soon, engaging 
with a stranger, no strangers
for long, but chatting
like old friends, laughing
over trite anecdotes,
welcome respite after a long day,
let slip, I was gay

Misreading his look
of surprise, a sense of déjà vu,
hackles set to rise
but for friendly lips breaking
into a wry, sensual grin,
makings of a non-judgemental,
heart-and soul

“How long?” he asked
quietly, but with as casual an air
as if he'd been asking
if I’d had a good day at the office;
I felt my face turning red,
yet urged to answer the truth of it
by mind-body-spirit

“None of my business,"
it was his turn to admit, “but more
than curious if you get
my drift…?  " I merely shrugged,
ventured a shy grin;
we chatted on, twin passions inviting
mutual understanding

Lovers, exploring a braver new world, 
keyword, Pride…

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2022

[Note: This poem-post also appears on my general poetry blog today] RT