The Lie OR A Matter of Conscience

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

“To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” -  William Shakespeare

If you do not tell the truth about yourself, you cannot tell it about other people. – Virginia Woolf 

“Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others.” Fyodor Dostoevsky

“The worst part about being lied to is knowing you weren’t worth the truth.” Jean-Paul Sartre

Now, I suspect most if not all of us tell lies sometimes, whether to ‘spare’ someone home truths or, more likely, to spare ourselves having to cope with theirs and our own at the same time. Whatever motivates the telling of them can be as deceitful, if not more so, than the lies themselves. 

Living with a lie can be a harsh, lonely environment; such was the closet imposed on me at the ripe old age of 14 years by family, church and a generally homophobic 1950’s before I finally came out as a gay man. There are other closets, of course, and other lies; if the cap fits…?

THE LIE or A MATTER OF CONSCIENCE

Whenever I may try
just to put something right,
you’ll argue with me
one long, dark night till dawn,
and just when I’m sure
I’ve won, a watery sun and birdsong
arrive to prove me wrong

It matters hardly at all
should you colour me white,
for soon forgot,
waiting to catch you out;
if no real harm done,
easy enough to simply shrug me away
if only to nag you another day

It’s who colours me black
or even subtler shades of grey
has the most to fear,
living on the edge of a pit
of snaky half truths
eager to begin, on any slip of the tongue,
a song no swan ever sung

Oh, but I so revel in leading people astray,
anywhere, any time of day... 

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2022

[Note: This poem also appears on my general poetry blog today.] RT

 

Who's that Banging on the Closet Door...?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Most if not all of us tell lies sometimes. Some (gay or straight) relationships are a lie. It is easy to get used to lies; they become like comfortable clothes we cannot face throwing away even though they are falling apart at the seams.

Lies are like creatures in a cage that deserve better. We are the cage. It is up to us whether we set them free or not. Meanwhile, who can look into a caged creature’s eyes and deny a longing to be free?

Regular readers will know how I feel about gay people who are not openly gay, for whatever reason. We must respect their decision and privacy. At the same time, I recall my own closet days, many years ago, and wonder how anyone can spend a lifetime living a lie so integral to their very identity.

Sometimes, of course, we fall victim to our own mixed emotions…but what of those other times? How can any family, person, culture, religion or society justify creating such cages? Oh, they will try, and sadly some will succeed.

As far as closet gay men and women are concerned, we can only hope more will, in time, open the cage and let its occupants go free, as nature intended. Better that, by far, than the rest of us be rounded up and returned to cages… as those touting a minority but growing political persuasion towards the Far Right would have it.

Better to be honest with and have faith in ourselves, surely, than pay lip service to convention simply because we are raised to think it has our best interests at heart? Sometime, yes, it does, Sometimes, though, it is more concerned with the best interests of others than ourselves.

It is down to each and every one of us to discern what's what, and rather than go with the flow for its own sake, to go where  mind, body and spirit will probably have been urging us for some time...and if that means going against some socio-cultural-religious tide, so be it. Gay or straight, we need to have faith in ourselves. After all, isn't that what the finer, humanitarian principles of all three are (or should be) all about.

Many gay people are scared of coming out to friends and family while others choose to stay closet for their own reasons. While the world needs to create a more welcoming climate for the former, we also need to respect the latter; 'outing' gay people is an unacceptable form of bullying.

WHO'S THAT BANGING ON THE CLOSET DOOR ...?

We saw a dragon at the local zoo

as tame as tame could be;

I swear it poked a tongue at you

and flashed a flame at me;

sad eyes glowing like balls of fire

raining down on us

like a shower of meteors

as we marvelled at its powerful jaws

and shiny scales

in various rainbow hues,

weaving fairy tales from distant lands

as we stood, sweaty hands

We didn’t go too near as you can

never be sure (even at a zoo)

that a dragon won’t get the better

of you, now wagging the tip

of a giant tail as if trying to say,

‘Come again another day...’

its belly rumbling a minor roar,

shaking every bar of its cage,

curling every page of our history,

scant regard for either magic

or mystery, driving home the cruelty

of our reality

Denial, self-images of a wannabe dragon
rattling its cage in desperation...

Copyright R. N. Taber 2002; 2013

[Note: This poem has been revised from an earlier version  that appears under the title 'Behind Bars' in First Person Plural by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2002.]

(Being) True to Life

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Identity comprises many parts. We may consciously or subconsciously overlook even sexuality for all the others. (Wood and trees...)

In some parts of the world, gay people have no choice, in public at least.

Whatever, it is the whole that really counts. Or what have we been put on this earth for? Not to deceive ourselves, that’s for sure, even if circumstances beyond our control drive us to deceive others.

(BEING) TRUE TO LIFE

In the springtime of my years,
I felt something different about me
that set me a little apart
from other friends and my family
till April skies turned blue
where woods were alive and singing
songs of a love forever true,
even the pretty bluebells ringing
out loud and clear that day
for everyone to hear what I hadn’t
yet found the words to say...

Here I am, nor differently
but for a sexuality anxious to free
the ‘real’ me

In that springtime of my years,
I suffered such agonies of self-doubt
that it took a while before
I took that first step and came out
to friends and my family
and, true, they took time to get used
to the idea that I’m gay
but they were mostly okay about it
by the time I met a man
I thought I’d love forever and he, me
though it wasn’t meant to be

There I was, nor differently
but for a sexuality resolved to free
the ‘real’ me?

Come the cycle of advancing years,
I came to peace terms with life and love,
taking every day as it comes,
never quite daring to live my dreams
till autumn skies after rain
shone a rainbow on leaves of trees
in woods where I’d found out
just who I am and how life can be tough
for all its fragility,
a natural beauty ever shining through,
spring running true

There I was, nor differently
for whatever season of life might be
shaping me

Come the winter of my years,
having all but seen its seasons through,
travelled life's learning curve,
thought to find answers, sought to verify,
discovered even angels lie,
how needs must trust a still small voice
in the ear urging caution
rather than press on just to prove a point
beyond even absolution...
but though reason would often lose its way,
no regrets for being gay

Here I am, nor differently,
for life having all but done with me,
yet still free
  
Copyright R. N. Taber 2008; rev. 2018

A Gay Dad's Story

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Over the years, I have met a number of men, with female partners and children, who are essentially gay, but choose not to go there; not publicly anyway. Many haunt late-night/early morning cruising areas while their partners think they are working late at the office, or they may have a secret gay lover who is willing to settle for always being second-best just as a straight man’s mistress has dome for centuries. They give me lots of reasons, these gay dads; some cannot envisage a life without children while others (still) fear being stigmatised for their natural sexuality. Some make happy enough marriages, if you can ever be happy living such a BIG lie; others  live out their lives as best they can, carried along by a genuine love for wife and children.

Today’s poem has only ever appeared on my general blog (in 2007)  prompted two wives getting in touch with me  to ask how any man can be so selfish as to marry for  convenience only to announce at a later date that he has decided to make a new life with a boyfriend?  Do they have no conception of pain and humiliation?

Of course gay married men have a conception of pain and humiliation; many if not most experience it every day at some time or another.

I could not tell these women why their husbands chose to marry them, only that I am sure they were and are loved. I can understand and deeply sympathise their feeling of being ‘used’ ...but it isn’t as simple as that is it?  Acknowledging sexuality is nearly always a formidable first step, not least due to prevailing misguided attitudes in various homes, work places and societies world-wide. Arguably, moreover, a person cannot be accused of living a lie if they have never got around to acknowledging the truth. The next step is moving forward, and can be even more complex; so much so that some gay people either refuse to take it or feel prevented by circumstances from doing so.

Now, I know from personal experience that it is possible to be in love with two people at the same time. In my case, it was two men, but why shouldn’t it be a man and a woman?

Yes, a gay man should be honest with a female partner about his sexuality, but he risks losing her and someone in love is not always up to taking that risk. No, it isn’t fair - on either party - and yes, honesty is the best policy, but some gay men  stay in denial all their lives and genuinely don’t see themselves as living a lie; any casual sex with someone else on the side is seen as ‘a male thing’ to which they are entitled and they see nothing wrong in it.  Is it any wonder that a partner who is left to discover this for herself feels betrayed? The heterosexual majority does not have a monopoly on sexism.

Right and wrong are two sides of the same coin; it is rarely difficult to make a case for either, no matter which way the coin falls. I am focusing on men here, but the same applies to women of course. [Suffice to say, this is a gay man’s blog, but much if not most of what I have to say applies to lesbians as well.]

So all you gay and bisexual dads whose wives/partners may have no idea that you fancy men and/or enjoy sex with them, take heart as there are many, many of you out there. [I am not encouraging this particular element of deceit in a male-female partnership, but simply acknowledging a fact.] However, bear in mind that love deserves honesty; nor is love as fragile as some like to make out, and I know lots of people who have  been amazed at how much love can bear in the longer if not always the shorter term.

I remain on the fence with this one, neither condoning nor condemning, but sympathising with all those people playing happy families out there while never quite as happy as they could be were men and women world-wide given less cause  by the environment/society in which they live to be fearful of the ultimate challenge facing each and every one of us...to be ourselves.

A GAY DAD’S STORY

Married, with kids, and not unhappy,
lives all but running true;
trying to be a good husband, dad,
seems the right thing to do;
of daily life, real love no less a part
for phantoms tugging at the heart
like children longing to come out to play
but made to stay indoors, lest angels
with dirty faces lower the tone, heaven
but looking on

Married, with kids, and not unhappy,
lives all but running true;
trying to be a good husband, dad,
seems the right thing to do;
few greater joys of Mother Earth than love,
togetherness and birth,
nor do these fade as others burst through
like spring flowers,
a long, hard winter done, heaven
but looking on

Parted, kids grown, and not as happy
as we ought to be,
but a sense of integrity, worthy
of our sexuality;
time enough for friends and family
to understand, lessons learned;
love, once freely given and shared,
never quite overturned;
same sun rising and setting, heaven
cheering, weeping

Copyright R. N. Taber 2002; 2012

[Note: This poem has been slightly but significantly revised from an earlier version that appears in   First Person Plural by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2002.]

Gone Fishing

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Some gay men, years before they were able to be openly gay, would tell people they were going fishing. Well, that was true except they would be fishing for other gay men, not fish!

Oh, well, I guess that’s as good an excuse as any for chancing our luck at this known cruising ground or that.

Pity about having to lie, but...

Ah, the thrill of a catch!!! [I remember it well.]

GONE FISHING

There was a fishing hole
down our way;
I used to go there every day;
didn’t fish for perch,
or go for trout, didn’t need
a rod or use bait;
reeling in delicious dreams,
one, two three …

He was tall, slim and dark
(smiling, carefree);
game for a lark within
a friendly willow tree
conspiring with summer
to draw us close
and closer still, till we dared
kiss under leafy skies

No more lies

Copyright R. N. Taber 2002; 2011

[Note: This poem has been recently revised from the original that appears in 1st eds. of First Person Plural by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2002; 2nd (revised) e-edition in preparation.] 

Engaging with Confession

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

The original title of this poems was Accomplices but I was never happy with it and changed it upon deciding to include it in a collection. I often make slight and occasionally major but always significant changes when I come to publish a poem in print form. It was inspired by a conversation with two gay men in their mid-thirties, both married with children, who has been having a closet relationship for many years. Both told me they adored their respective families but had tried and failed to stop seeing each other.

When pressed, both men admitted they had got married because they could not face the prospect of living an openly gay life. Neither would accept my argument that it isn't so different to living any other kind of life. So what, I asked them, is so terrible about being openly gay in the UK, especially these days? One guy had no answer. The other insisted that gay people are still stigmatised for their sexuality in spite of legislation to the contrary. I have to admit, I see only too clearly what he meant.

It is a sad reflection on modern society that it can still keep the closet door tightly shut on some gay men and women. As I have said many times, things will only change for the better when schools start openly debating gay issues so the children and young people of today are less likely to become the homophobes of tomorrow.

So...Education, education, education, YES.

So come on, Head Teachers everywhere, what's stopping you bringing your schools into the 21st century and catering for all your students, not just the heterosexual majority?  You reckon hay have never had it so good?  So how would you know when most gay boys and girls are too scared and/or ashamed to tell you they are gay anyway?  At least let them know from the start that there is nothing to be scared of or ashamed about being gay and that sexual identity is an integral part of who we are. No one should be made to feel scared or ashamed of that.

[Note: Not so long ago, I got chatting to a bisexual teacher who told me it was more than his job is worth to promote class discussion about gay/bisexual issues. 'The kids would be up for it,' he told me, 'but the Head would be down on me like a ton of bricks and few of the staff would openly support me plus I'd soon have most parent-governors and parents baying for my blood...]

It was Mark Twain who attributed the quote 'there are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics' to Benjamin Disraeli in Chapters from My Autobiography while I have long lived with my own variation....

ENGAGING WITH CONFESSION

You have a beautiful wife, children,
and none must suspect you pay but lip service
to convention

You love your wife and adore your son
yet even love can play the willing accomplice
to deception

Invariably, late nights at the office mean
you’re haunting well-known cruising grounds
for gay men

While your wife tucks up the kids in bed,
you’re enjoying sex with another man, for real
or in your head

You feel so guilty it’s blowing your mind,
anxious but scared to confide in anyone, family
or friend

You long so to speak out from the heart,
suspect if you do you’re whole world will surely
fall apart

Family, society, culture, convention,
all insist they know best while failing humanity
and themselves

One night, you begged me hear you confess
as we surrendered our bodies in bushes that will
have heard worse

More than mere flesh joined together as one,
we discovered a kind of love that will even satisfy
closet men

You have a lovely wife, two beautiful children
and (more than anyone) I know they come second
to none

Copyright R. N. Taber 2010; 2017

[Note: This poem first appeared under the title, 'Key Players in a Black Comedy' in On the Battlefields Of Love: poems by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2010.]