http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber
Over the years, I have met a number of men, with female partners and children, who are essentially gay, but choose not to go there; not publicly anyway. Many haunt late-night/early morning cruising areas while their partners think they are working late at the office, or they may have a secret gay lover who is willing to settle for always being second-best just as a straight man’s mistress has dome for centuries. They give me lots of reasons, these gay dads; some cannot envisage a life without children while others (still) fear being stigmatised for their natural sexuality. Some make happy enough marriages, if you can ever be happy living such a BIG lie; others live out their lives as best they can, carried along by a genuine love for wife and children.
Today’s poem has only ever appeared on my general blog (in 2007) prompted two wives getting in touch with me to ask how any man can be so selfish as to marry for convenience only to announce at a later date that he has decided to make a new life with a boyfriend? Do they have no conception of pain and humiliation?
Of course gay married men have a conception of pain and humiliation; many if not most experience it every day at some time or another.
I could not tell these women why their husbands chose to marry them, only that I am sure they were and are loved. I can understand and deeply sympathise their feeling of being ‘used’ ...but it isn’t as simple as that is it? Acknowledging sexuality is nearly always a formidable first step, not least due to prevailing misguided attitudes in various homes, work places and societies world-wide. Arguably, moreover, a person cannot be accused of living a lie if they have never got around to acknowledging the truth. The next step is moving forward, and can be even more complex; so much so that some gay people either refuse to take it or feel prevented by circumstances from doing so.
Now, I know from personal experience that it is possible to be in love with two people at the same time. In my case, it was two men, but why shouldn’t it be a man and a woman?
Yes, a gay man should be honest with a female partner about his sexuality, but he risks losing her and someone in love is not always up to taking that risk. No, it isn’t fair - on either party - and yes, honesty is the best policy, but some gay men stay in denial all their lives and genuinely don’t see themselves as living a lie; any casual sex with someone else on the side is seen as ‘a male thing’ to which they are entitled and they see nothing wrong in it. Is it any wonder that a partner who is left to discover this for herself feels betrayed? The heterosexual majority does not have a monopoly on sexism.
Right and wrong are two sides of the same coin; it is rarely difficult to make a case for either, no matter which way the coin falls. I am focusing on men here, but the same applies to women of course. [Suffice to say, this is a gay man’s blog, but much if not most of what I have to say applies to lesbians as well.]
So all you gay and bisexual dads whose wives/partners may have no idea that you fancy men and/or enjoy sex with them, take heart as there are many, many of you out there. [I am not encouraging this particular element of deceit in a male-female partnership, but simply acknowledging a fact.] However, bear in mind that love deserves honesty; nor is love as fragile as some like to make out, and I know lots of people who have been amazed at how much love can bear in the longer if not always the shorter term.
I remain on the fence with this one, neither condoning nor condemning, but sympathising with all those people playing happy families out there while never quite as happy as they could be were men and women world-wide given less cause by the environment/society in which they live to be fearful of the ultimate challenge facing each and every one of us...to be ourselves.
A GAY DAD’S STORY
Married, with kids, and not unhappy,
lives all but running true;
trying to be a good husband, dad,
seems the right thing to do;
of daily life, real love no less a part
for phantoms tugging at the heart
like children longing to come out to play
but made to stay indoors, lest angels
with dirty faces lower the tone, heaven
but looking on
Married, with kids, and not unhappy,
lives all but running true;
trying to be a good husband, dad,
seems the right thing to do;
few greater joys of Mother Earth than love,
togetherness and birth,
nor do these fade as others burst through
like spring flowers,
a long, hard winter done, heaven
but looking on
Parted, kids grown, and not as happy
as we ought to be,
but a sense of integrity, worthy
of our sexuality;
time enough for friends and family
to understand, lessons learned;
love, once freely given and shared,
never quite overturned;
same sun rising and setting, heaven
cheering, weeping
Copyright R. N. Taber 2002; 2012
[Note: This poem has been slightly but significantly revised from an earlier version that appears in First Person Plural by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2002.]
Over the years, I have met a number of men, with female partners and children, who are essentially gay, but choose not to go there; not publicly anyway. Many haunt late-night/early morning cruising areas while their partners think they are working late at the office, or they may have a secret gay lover who is willing to settle for always being second-best just as a straight man’s mistress has dome for centuries. They give me lots of reasons, these gay dads; some cannot envisage a life without children while others (still) fear being stigmatised for their natural sexuality. Some make happy enough marriages, if you can ever be happy living such a BIG lie; others live out their lives as best they can, carried along by a genuine love for wife and children.
Today’s poem has only ever appeared on my general blog (in 2007) prompted two wives getting in touch with me to ask how any man can be so selfish as to marry for convenience only to announce at a later date that he has decided to make a new life with a boyfriend? Do they have no conception of pain and humiliation?
Of course gay married men have a conception of pain and humiliation; many if not most experience it every day at some time or another.
I could not tell these women why their husbands chose to marry them, only that I am sure they were and are loved. I can understand and deeply sympathise their feeling of being ‘used’ ...but it isn’t as simple as that is it? Acknowledging sexuality is nearly always a formidable first step, not least due to prevailing misguided attitudes in various homes, work places and societies world-wide. Arguably, moreover, a person cannot be accused of living a lie if they have never got around to acknowledging the truth. The next step is moving forward, and can be even more complex; so much so that some gay people either refuse to take it or feel prevented by circumstances from doing so.
Now, I know from personal experience that it is possible to be in love with two people at the same time. In my case, it was two men, but why shouldn’t it be a man and a woman?
Yes, a gay man should be honest with a female partner about his sexuality, but he risks losing her and someone in love is not always up to taking that risk. No, it isn’t fair - on either party - and yes, honesty is the best policy, but some gay men stay in denial all their lives and genuinely don’t see themselves as living a lie; any casual sex with someone else on the side is seen as ‘a male thing’ to which they are entitled and they see nothing wrong in it. Is it any wonder that a partner who is left to discover this for herself feels betrayed? The heterosexual majority does not have a monopoly on sexism.
Right and wrong are two sides of the same coin; it is rarely difficult to make a case for either, no matter which way the coin falls. I am focusing on men here, but the same applies to women of course. [Suffice to say, this is a gay man’s blog, but much if not most of what I have to say applies to lesbians as well.]
So all you gay and bisexual dads whose wives/partners may have no idea that you fancy men and/or enjoy sex with them, take heart as there are many, many of you out there. [I am not encouraging this particular element of deceit in a male-female partnership, but simply acknowledging a fact.] However, bear in mind that love deserves honesty; nor is love as fragile as some like to make out, and I know lots of people who have been amazed at how much love can bear in the longer if not always the shorter term.
I remain on the fence with this one, neither condoning nor condemning, but sympathising with all those people playing happy families out there while never quite as happy as they could be were men and women world-wide given less cause by the environment/society in which they live to be fearful of the ultimate challenge facing each and every one of us...to be ourselves.
A GAY DAD’S STORY
Married, with kids, and not unhappy,
lives all but running true;
trying to be a good husband, dad,
seems the right thing to do;
of daily life, real love no less a part
for phantoms tugging at the heart
like children longing to come out to play
but made to stay indoors, lest angels
with dirty faces lower the tone, heaven
but looking on
Married, with kids, and not unhappy,
lives all but running true;
trying to be a good husband, dad,
seems the right thing to do;
few greater joys of Mother Earth than love,
togetherness and birth,
nor do these fade as others burst through
like spring flowers,
a long, hard winter done, heaven
but looking on
Parted, kids grown, and not as happy
as we ought to be,
but a sense of integrity, worthy
of our sexuality;
time enough for friends and family
to understand, lessons learned;
love, once freely given and shared,
never quite overturned;
same sun rising and setting, heaven
cheering, weeping
Copyright R. N. Taber 2002; 2012
[Note: This poem has been slightly but significantly revised from an earlier version that appears in First Person Plural by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2002.]
