Mixed Feelings OR Sexuality, Reason Not the Need

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Today’s poem first appeared on the blog in 2016 under the title 'Mixed Feelings'. Several readers have since pointed out that the title could be seen as misleading so I have added an alternative title, as I often do, to introduce the poem in the context in which it is mean to be read. I just hate it when people ask me why I am gay. I didn't choose to be gay, I am gay; it answers a need in me that defies any Q & A interrogation from anyone, including myself. Yes, at 70+ now I am no longer sexually active, but that is only due to my prostate cancer and doesn't make me a-sexual; I still have the heart and spirit of a gay man. 

By the way, many thanks to those of you emailing to ask how I am getting on with compiling a new collection of poems. Progress remains slow but sure. Years of hormone therapy for my prostate cancer having messed with my thought processes and want of a good night's sleep combined with the stresses we are all under due to the coronavirus pandemic ... well, they don't help. wry bardic grin But I plod on, not least because I have no choice but I genuinely enjoy writing up the blogs and compiling poetry collections, not only for the welcome distraction they provide, but because they encourage me to keep looking on the bright(er) side of life.

Now, some people are naturally bisexual while others can relate to the opposite sex but prefer their own, yet feel - for whatever reason - unable to be open and upfront about it. Such men and women are frequently criticised by gay and straight people alike, but … who are we to judge?

The Japanese have a saying ‘I no naka no kawazu taikai wo shirazu.’ (Literally: A frog in a well does not know the great sea.)  In other words, people are satisfied to judge things by their own narrow experience for not knowing any different.

Regular readers will know I do not subscribe to any religion, but I had a Christian upbringing and I reckon Jesus of Nazareth was spot on when he told those anxious to sentence a woman to be stoned to death for adultery as according to the law, ‘Let him among you who is without sin cast the first stone at her.’ (John 8:7)

Enjoying same sex relationships is no sin, of course, simply a part of the complex whole that makes us human, and no better or worse for that than anyone else.

"O, reason not the need ..." (Shakespeare, King Lear)

This poem is a villanelle.

MIXED FEELINGS or SEXUALITY, REASON NOT THE NEED 

A day-tripper I met on vacation one day
said he much prefers sex with a man,

confided a part of him will always be gay

Married, two kids, no regrets for a way

of getting on with life as best he can,

a day-tripper I met in Brighton one day

He said he liked me (what could I say?)

Saw no betrayal of wife and children,

confided a part of him will always be gay

He needed to let his heart have its way,

(mine, playing catch-me-if-you-can)

a day-tripper I met in Brighton one day

At my hotel, he kissed my doubts away,
shed no tears for his loving a woman,

confided a part of him will always be gay

"I reason not the need, I heard him say,
"because I know I'm a good person." 

A day-tripper I met on vacation one day

confided a part of him will always be gay

Copyright R. N. Taber 2016; 2020

Crossroads

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Although spring is just around the corner, we still have to turn that corner; winter is not done with us yet.  Such (more often than not) is life…

So let’s cheer ourselves up with the thought that life may well be an up and down, round and round, mad roller-coaster ride, and there’s invariably another corner to turn, but who knows what might be waiting for us there?  A shock perhaps, it’s true, but not all shocks are of the nasty kind. We could well be in for some wonderful surprises....

Such as what, did you say? Well, read the poem and find out...

CROSSROADS

Once, wrestling me in seemingly playful fun,

you crossed a (visibly) invisible line;

no time to resist before your lips kissed mine,

sending all my senses into a mad spin

You quickly broke away, a tortured expression

in tearful eyes conveying no chagrin;

we had been friends for years but never spoken

of anything as scary as sexual attraction

My heart leapt, our first kiss rippling my body

like swathes of sunlight on a feisty sea;

I could scarcely breathe for an incredible pain,

all the more incredible for my letting it in

We neither wanted to go back to how we were,
struggled with lust, love and fear,
love getting the better of demons on the brain,
bringing home truths into the open...

Madly, anxiously, I savoured your lips on mine,

all our senses in the same mad spin

through twin lives never quite the same again

for the crossing of a (visibly) invisible line

Copyright R. N. Taber 2010; 2016

[Note: An earlier version of this poem appears under the title 'Crossing the Line' in On the Battlefields of Love by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2010.]

Man-in-a-Suit, Fetish for a Restless Libido

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This poem was written for a gay friend who has a fetish about guys in suits. make of that what you will...

As I have pointed out before, in mythology, the sun god Apollo is usually represented as bisexual.

Trust Apollo then to impose the seal of his approval on two complete strangers with seemingly nothing in common…

MAN-IN-A-SUIT, FETISH FOR A RESTLESS LIBIDO

He looked sharp in a suit,

grey silk shirt and bold black tie

less funereal than ethereal

in a blaze of sunlight

giving his short, black hair

the gloss of a punter’s’ favourite

at the Grand National

I was self-conscious in tee,

jeans and trainers that had seen

better days, poised to retreat

in a blaze of sunlight

but prevented by pride in

and callson a bisexuality haunting

mind, body, and spirit

He looked sharp in a suit,

blue eyes practising a cutting edge

wherever they chose to fall

in a blaze of sunlight

providing body armour for one

invoking legends of knights worthy

of Arthur’s table

I was but an adoring peasant

in the presence of someone beyond

reach of mind, body, and spirit

until a blaze of sunlight

recreated a prism locking us

into ages-old rites that let gay men  

rise to the occasion

Copyright R. N. Taber 2013

No Apology For Sexuality

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Yes, another love poem. Oh, and why not?

Now, someone asked me why Apollo often features in my poems. It has to do with conveying the idea that what the poem has to say is nothing new but goes back centuries.  

Let’s not forget either that, according to various myths and legends, Apollo was bisexual. How can any gay writer who has an affinity with history and nature avoid making reference to such metaphors of old?

No one in the LGBT community should ever feel that he or she needs to apologise to anyone for their sexuality, whatever his or her socio-cultural-religious persuasion.

This poem is a villanelle.

NO APOLOGY FOR SEXUALITY

Once, Apollo came to me

in a godly light,

kissing me passionately

We made love feverishly,

and it felt right

once Apollo came to me

It was a divine intimacy

as he held me tight,

kissing me passionately

At dusk, a tearful apology

for taking flight;

Once, Apollo came to me...

No need for any apology

from you at night,

kissing me passionately

Grown old, love as feisty

as its first sunlight...

Once, Apollo came to me,

kissing me passionately

Copyright R. N. Taber 2009; 2012

[Note: An earlier version of this poem appears in On The Battlefields Of Love by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2010. According to Greek mythology, Apollo was known to have both male and female lovers.]

.]

Mind-Body-Spirit, in Safe Hands

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

This week, St. Petersburg is pushing forward a law that would make it illegal for any person to write a book, publish an article or speak in public about being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender, and calling it "homosexual propaganda". St. Petersburg's Mayor Poltavchenko, President Medvedev and Prime Minister Putin are all pushing for a law that is more than an abuse of Human Rights; it is an insult to humanity. 

The poem last appeared on the blog in March 2010. As the UK is currently experiencing a very cold spell, you can hardly blame me for recalling a memory/poem to keep me warm... Moreover, I am dedicating it to all our brothers and sisters across the whole of Russia and beyond; any suggestion that someone should ever be persecuted for their sexuality is a stain on civilisation, but especially to the extent we have seen in parts of Africa, in Uganda for example.   

It just goes to show shows how bloody minded and ignorant some world governments can be. Come to that, I don’t recall reading or hearing anything about this sickening proposed anti-gay legislation in Russia here in the UK...

To all my Russian blog readers, a BIG HUG, and good luck! Мы думаем о Вас всех (I hope that is how you say, We are thinking of you all.

MIND-BODY-SPIRIT, IN SAFE HANDS

You dived under my top,

tongue on nipples aching with desire;

hands at my jeans would not stop,

my whole being on fire

I longed to respond, could not

(for too long told it’s wrong, obscene)

as you invaded me with your heat,

pulled my jeans down

My heart tore like an express

along twisting tracks of denial, regret,

embracing years of loneliness, pain,

on a rack of ages-old guilt

Slowly, I let go all hype

imprinted on my heart, soul, brain;

rose above the stereotype,

learned to live again

Once mere pieces of clay,

we discovered sex, no truths held back;

though some protest, as they may,

let them to their own lives look

Copyright R. N. Taber 2007; 2018

[Note; this poem first appears under the title 'Fast Tracking' in Accomplices to Illusion by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2007]

Woman, Gay Man's Best Friend

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Many thanks to those readers who have been in touch to say how much they enjoy my YouTube channel:

http://www.youtube.com/rogerNtaber

Meanwhile...

Some readers tell me I should invest my poetry with more humour. Well, there is a wry humour in many of my poems if you happen to be in the mood to catch it. Or maybe you would prefer something more up-front, like this...?

WOMAN, GAY MANS BEST FRIEND

Once upon a time, I tried to go straight,
even went out on a female date;
she sort of liked me, and I felt the same,
but the chemistry wasn’t there
so (oh, dear) we just settled for a game
of strip poker

Needless to say, she got the better of me,
but, oh, how we laughed helplessly
till I blurted out blushing, ‘I think I’m gay’;
she just told me to get dressed,
poured two stiff drinks that saved the day,
and I confessed

I told her about a gorgeous guy in my office
and how I’d tried not to notice,
how he stares at me when I thinks I’m busy
so won’t get any ideas,
but (oh, dear) I already had plenty, mostly
in my trousers

She said I should chat him up without delay
since the chances are we’re both gay,
better (surely?) grasp the proverbial nettle,
and let human nature do its job,
no matter if it means I play teapot to a kettle
on the hob

So I took her at her word and caught his eye,
let him see, if he was lusting, so was I;
to my undisguised delight, she’d been spot on,
and soon we were enjoying our first date,
the irony being, it had taken a pretty woman
to bring us out

Copyright R. N. Taber 2011

Oscars

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Several men have been in touch who find themselves in heterosexual relationships from which they have no wish to extract themselves, but feel guilty about having sex with other men whenever the opportunity arises. This guilt is so hard to bear that their respective their marriages are under threat as a result. I offer no solutions or advice, but suggest they might consider seeing a marriage counsellor along with their respective partners. In my experience, it is much easier to discuss matters with a third party who is neither a relative nor friend but a professional who is not only detached but has also almost certainly heard it all before so is unlikely to be in the least shocked or judgemental.

Now, it is tough on a woman when she finds out her husband or boyfriend is gay or bisexual; or a man when he discovers his female partner has lesbian tendencies. Let’s face it. It is, after all, a betrayal of their relationship. It isn’t easy for either party. Whatever reasons, excuses, explanations or pretty rhetoric we care to debate, betrayal is betrayal. And betrayed people feel immeasurably hurt. It is not only the heterosexual partner who feels betrayed either; many repressed gay people are likely to feel they have betrayed everything they were brought up to believe in.

Regarding bisexual men and women, there is a train of thought I won’t follow here that most people who see themselves as bisexual do so because they are loath to examine the gay side to their sexual identity too closely; all the while they can happily swing both ways, their masculinity, or femininity as the case may be, is not under threat. Yet, among the many people who assure me bisexuality is ‘cool’ I’d say the majority are essentially gay. [I will leave transvestites and transgender people out of the equation for the purposes of this blog entry, but in no way do I underestimate either their problems or the courage many display in overcoming them.]

Whatever, it can take time to learn to believe in ourselves. Only then can we start to believe in each other. Betrayal is a raw wound that can take a long time to heal. Tragically, some such wounds never do heal properly. Even so, if the relationship between partners of the opposite sex is such that they are close friends as well as lovers, those wounds may start to heal sooner rather than later. Yet, once the die is cast, they have to find their own ways of dealing with it and we should not judge those too harshly who find themselves unable to forgive.

Many gay men and women can form a physical relationship with the opposite sex if the attraction is mutual and strong enough; some even think themselves into heterosexual mode because they can’t face up to being gay, probably having been brought up to think the worst of gay people by the less enlightened among the heterosexual majority. It isn’t easy to shake off the shackles of formative years. For most of us, sexuality will out us in the end. Tragically, some stay in the proverbial closet all their lives; those who can and do break out, in the early days at any rate, are likely to leave a trail of tears, not least their own.

Few of us set out deliberately to hurt others, especially those we love. But sexuality is an issue that is relatively rarely debated in the home or in any public arena; never at all in some parts of the world. Oh, there are books and the Internet, but the long and the short of it is we are on our own and have to work it out for ourselves.

Once we have acknowledged to ourselves that we are gay, it becomes easier (never easy) to tell other people. Some people are receptive to our findings, others reject them and try to steer us in another direction while others choose to see us as a lost cause and give up on us. And I use the word ‘choose’ deliberately. We all have a choice. As it happens, various socio-cultural-religious get-out clauses are not in short supply, but we are each and every one of us ultimately responsible for whatever choices we make in life, no one else.

It is not only gay people who find themselves at odds with loved ones, friends and various socio-cultural-religious traditions, but we are discussing gay people so let’s not get sidetracked.

When a gay person finds that he or she cannot stay in a heterosexual relationship any longer, the closet door has to be flung wide. There is a lot of understanding out there, but there is also a lot of ignorance and bigotry. As I have said on the blog before, little or nothing will change in real terns until sexuality is openly and intelligently discussed in schools. Legislation to give gay people equal rights in society is all very well, but you cannot legislate for bad attitude.

As for me... I am in my late 60s now and have only slept with two women in my life. Technically, I may be bisexual, but I have thought of myself as a gay man for many years and always will.

I have recently (slightly) revised this poem that I wrote in 1999.

OSCARS

When I am with a woman
I am hers alone, no thoughts
of men as we make love
with a sure passion, and wherever
we walk, talk, laugh, play,
I’d never wish myself elsewhere
or some man setting out
to prettily seduce me there

It doesn't work that way

Love of a good woman
(put at a price above rubies)
is a treasure I respect,
and would never wish to abuse;
So why this naked heaven
with a man, more pleasing to me
than any earthly jewel,
does my inner eye choose?

Who knows?

Copyright R. N. Taber 1999; 2011

[Note: An earlier version of this poem appears in Love and Human Remains by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2000.]

Engaging with Confession

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

The original title of this poems was Accomplices but I was never happy with it and changed it upon deciding to include it in a collection. I often make slight and occasionally major but always significant changes when I come to publish a poem in print form. It was inspired by a conversation with two gay men in their mid-thirties, both married with children, who has been having a closet relationship for many years. Both told me they adored their respective families but had tried and failed to stop seeing each other.

When pressed, both men admitted they had got married because they could not face the prospect of living an openly gay life. Neither would accept my argument that it isn't so different to living any other kind of life. So what, I asked them, is so terrible about being openly gay in the UK, especially these days? One guy had no answer. The other insisted that gay people are still stigmatised for their sexuality in spite of legislation to the contrary. I have to admit, I see only too clearly what he meant.

It is a sad reflection on modern society that it can still keep the closet door tightly shut on some gay men and women. As I have said many times, things will only change for the better when schools start openly debating gay issues so the children and young people of today are less likely to become the homophobes of tomorrow.

So...Education, education, education, YES.

So come on, Head Teachers everywhere, what's stopping you bringing your schools into the 21st century and catering for all your students, not just the heterosexual majority?  You reckon hay have never had it so good?  So how would you know when most gay boys and girls are too scared and/or ashamed to tell you they are gay anyway?  At least let them know from the start that there is nothing to be scared of or ashamed about being gay and that sexual identity is an integral part of who we are. No one should be made to feel scared or ashamed of that.

[Note: Not so long ago, I got chatting to a bisexual teacher who told me it was more than his job is worth to promote class discussion about gay/bisexual issues. 'The kids would be up for it,' he told me, 'but the Head would be down on me like a ton of bricks and few of the staff would openly support me plus I'd soon have most parent-governors and parents baying for my blood...]

It was Mark Twain who attributed the quote 'there are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics' to Benjamin Disraeli in Chapters from My Autobiography while I have long lived with my own variation....

ENGAGING WITH CONFESSION

You have a beautiful wife, children,
and none must suspect you pay but lip service
to convention

You love your wife and adore your son
yet even love can play the willing accomplice
to deception

Invariably, late nights at the office mean
you’re haunting well-known cruising grounds
for gay men

While your wife tucks up the kids in bed,
you’re enjoying sex with another man, for real
or in your head

You feel so guilty it’s blowing your mind,
anxious but scared to confide in anyone, family
or friend

You long so to speak out from the heart,
suspect if you do you’re whole world will surely
fall apart

Family, society, culture, convention,
all insist they know best while failing humanity
and themselves

One night, you begged me hear you confess
as we surrendered our bodies in bushes that will
have heard worse

More than mere flesh joined together as one,
we discovered a kind of love that will even satisfy
closet men

You have a lovely wife, two beautiful children
and (more than anyone) I know they come second
to none

Copyright R. N. Taber 2010; 2017

[Note: This poem first appeared under the title, 'Key Players in a Black Comedy' in On the Battlefields Of Love: poems by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2010.]