A Sense of Spirituality

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Human beings are inclined to divide rather than unite, but isn’t love a common bond, and one we would do well to acknowledge rather than be persuaded to pursue the politics of division by various socio-cultural-religious forces that so like to dominate for domination’s sake…?

Love does not discriminate; it is as much an integral part of the human spirit whether those  engaging with it are gay, straight, transgender or bisexual; nor does religion have a monopoly on spirituality as I discovered upon turning to nature where religion failed me altogether.

A SENSE OF SPIRITUALITY

Down by the river,

where kingfishers fly,

I lay with my lover

one joyful summer’s day,

passing clouds

parting for kisses

from fair Apollo,

as if reaffirming our faith

in peace, love,

and a native integrity,

nor necessarily less so

for being gay

Down by the river,

where music fills the air,

I kissed my gay lover

under eaves of a willow tree,

its leaves shimmering

like stained glass windows

as if Earth Mother

restoring Apollo’s church

to the likes of us

to worship at the altar

of passion and rediscover

its spirituality

Down by the river

summer flowers fill the air

with perfumes

conspiring to fill our church

with all the colours,

smells, sounds of love

and a peace of mind

that Earth Mother would have

a common humanity

bring to bear on each other

whatever our ethnicity, creed

sex or sexuality

Copyright R. N. Taber 2015 

[Note: This post-poem also appears on my general poetry blog today.] RNT

On the Road, at Apollo's Call

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Regular readers will know that I am not a religious person although I like to think I have a strong sense of spirituality that I found in nature long ago. (Why should religion have a monopoly on spirituality, anyway?)

There have been many times in my life when I have been close to despair, and nature has saved me.

No coincidence then, perhaps, that the mythical god, Apollo, was reputed to have been bisexual and sunshine is to nature as love is to life…

ON THE ROAD,  AT APOLLO'S CALL

On the road

Spirit of life draining

from me,

I lay down by a tree,

let its branches

lift me free of the earth,

sail me on leaves

through time and space

to another place

where love and peace

are no sad dreams,

joys of hope running free

for all to see

On the road

Weary leaves unable

to sustain me,

returning me to earth

(nor gently)

as autumn descending

into winter,

my life ebbing away

into a stream

of misty consciousness,

happiness a blur,

(so near, yet, oh, so far)

my way unclear

On the road

Sun, suddenly shining

calling on the tree

to do the right thing

by me,

heed Apollo’s calling,

buds awakening,

new life shaping ways

of restoring

all weariness to vigour,

defeating despair,

defying the human spirit

to turn a deaf ear

On the road

Climbing a stairway

of sunbeams

on wings of a prayer

that you’ll still

be there, waiting

in a heaven

of our own making,

Earth Mother

at our side, fair Apollo

for a guide,

urging us seize the day

for being gay

On the road

I had not flown far,

spirits of love

and peace at my heels,

when I saw you

waiting at the next bend

where I fell

into arms open wide

like the branches

of a tree, restoring me

to life,

and bringing us together

forever

Copyright R. N. Taber 2015

From Russia with Love

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Once, I had a Russian boyfriend, but we lost touch after he returned home. I mentioned him in a previous post, and recently heard from him again. I was delighted to hear that he is well and happily married to a lesbian. It appears they are very fond of each other, but get on with their respective love lives while paying lip service to the surrounding conventions. It is sad, but as good a means to a happy end as any, I guess, in a country well-known for its anti-gay attitudes.

Since starting the blog, I have heard from other gay couples in much the same position; in India, Pakistan and various African countries, for example.  Bigoted governments, and anyone who pays too much attention to what they say, remain in denial of one of the more poignant facts of life; that being gay is down to genetic make-up and not choice.  The only choice a gay person has is whether or not he or she finds a way to reconcile their sexuality with getting on with their life, and being happy; if this means paying lip-service to the conventions in a predominantly anti-gay environment, so be it.  

Hopefully, one day, gay people worldwide will have the respect and goodwill due to every human being doing his or her best to be true to their sexuality as well the home and wider society in which we all live; family, friends, work colleagues, politicians, clerics...

This poem is a villanelle.


FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

I will not turn and walk away
where bigots say I should
because I happen to be gay

I will not hide, by night or day
where bigots wish me dead;
I will not turn and walk away

If I must watch what I say,
I will not deny feeling good
because I happen to be gay

Bad laws may have their way
(to humanity, the last word);
I will not turn and walk away

Where faith comes into play,
I shall love, not fear God
because I happen to be gay

Let’s keep homophobia at bay
(see it fall on its own sword);
I will not turn and walk away
because I happen to be gay…

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2015

Finding Love, No Holds Barred

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Regular readers will know that, while there is an autobiographical thread in many of my poems, just as many others have their origins in conversations I have enjoyed with various people in bars, on trains, even at bus stops. This poem takes me back to a delightful evening I once spent in the company of two young Catholics on holiday from Rome who were refreshingly unafraid to embrace God and each other…

Regular readers will also know that I am not a religious person; although raised a Christian, I found a sense of spirituality in nature that failed me in religion. At the same time, I respect anyone’s religious beliefs while refusing to believe that any God worthy of the name would hold a person’s sexuality against them, whatever their religion. Moreover, I reached this conclusion long before I realised or acknowledged (even to myself) that I am gay.

It saddens me greatly that, even in this 21^st Century, many gay people across the world feel obliged to choose between family, religion, and sexuality if only for appearances sake.

FINDING LOVE, NO HOLDS BARRED

At a fountain in the heart of Rome,

two people tossed two coins

for the same dream, neither expecting

their lives might yet change

for the better, override generations

of secrets and lies

At a fountain in the heart of Rome,

two people eagerly flirted

with the same dream if not believing

their hearts might yet shape it

the way of all good things, overriding

its secrets and lies

At a fountain in the heart of Rome,

two people engaged

with the same dream, hiding tears

for years of battling

to reconcile faith in a God of Love

with secrets and lies

At a fountain in the heart of Rome,

two people all but denied

the same dream, neither daring

to give desire its head,

acknowledge its passion, run a gamut

of secrets and lies

At a fountain in the heart of Rome,

two people sought hope

in ripples slowly but surely lending 

the same dream

graceful flight far above and beyond

any secrets and lies

At a fountain in the heart of Rome,

two people acknowledged

each other, visibly edging closer

to the same dream,

soaring with doves expressing despair

with secrets and lies

At a fountain in the heart of Rome,

two gay people began

a journey that would one day free them

to make their dream a reality

where no God of Love rejects anyone

for their sexuality

Copyright R. N. Taber 2015

See-Hear, Homing in on a Sense of Fulfilment

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

As a partially (not profoundly) deaf person since early childhood, I know only too well some of the problems facing those with any degree of hearing loss. It is, however, only as big a problem as we choose to make it and most of us choose not to let it interfere with the way we live our lives. Certainly, it is less of a ‘disability’ than the attitude of many hearing people towards us.

As a partially deaf gay man I have often experienced something of a double whammy since the attitude of many heterosexuals towards gay people also continues to leave much to be desired. Thankfully, attitudes - in both respects - continue to change; on the whole, for the better. Even so, while digital hearing aids have significantly improved my quality of life with regards to my hearing, living in a multicultural society does gay people no favours where many members insist on clinging to certain cultures that are intrinsically homophobic. 

Gay or straight, male or female, adult or child, whether or not we are perceived as being 'different' in any way, we are all human beings, as deserving to be treated as such as anyone else, regardless of our socio-cultural-religious background.

Whatever, life  is only ever as big a problem as we make it; thankfully, most of us choose to just get on with it, making the best rather than the worst of things. Nor does religion have a monopoly on spirituality; thankfully, the human spirit is an open door, an invitation to explore and make what we will of nature and human nature, and vice versa...from cradle to grave.  The latter may well mark the end of our personal existence, but parts of it, at least, will endure wherever and in whomsoever our mind-body-spirit has touched another; and so it continues, a custom made continuum.

It may be a hackneyed expression, but SO true that there are none so blind as will not see bow deaf as will not hear. We all need to listen to hear that still, small voice within, and look to see what self-
awareness is showing us...

This poem is a villanelle.

SEE-HEAR, HOMING IN ON A SENSE OF FULFILMENT

A blur of silence all around

closing in on me,

all I'd sought yet never found

A yearning to catch the sound

of bird and bee,

a blur of silence all around

Oh, for love's merry-go-round

to offer a chance to be…

all I'd sought yet never found!

Until G-A-Y ran me to ground

persistently…

a blur of silence all around

Suddenly, as beautiful a sound
as any within me…

all I'd sought yet never found

A lore as kind as it is profound 

you taught me…

A blur of silence all around,

all I'd sought yet never found

Copyright R. N. Taber 2002

[Note: This poem is a villanelle; an earlier version first appeared in the anthology, Pure Verse, Anchor Books (Forward Press), 2002 and subsequently in First Person Plural by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, the same year.]

Getting the Better of Bigotry

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Like many if not most gay men of my generation, I have found myself in a few tight corners over the years.

Now, this poem is not strictly autobiographical, but so easily could be. However, it is based on a tale told to me by a one of many wonderful, anonymous, strangers with whom there was a time I would spend many a happy hour (or more)  getting merry (and inwardly debating potential for…whatever) in the heyday of London’s gay bars… (Today’s gay bars are just not the same, ask anyone over 50.)

Sadly, though, I have to say that (yes, even in predominantly gay-friendly London) homophobia is still alive and kicking. Some people are born bigots, regardless of their origins, while multiculturalism does gay people no favours either in the sense that many cultures are intrinsically homophobic, and the more deeply entrenched among us refuse to adapt to a changing world.

GETTING THE BETTER OF BIGOTRY

I’d be walking down a street,

and they would shout after me,

call me a nasty name

I can’t repeat because it makes me

feel, oh, so sick inside,

and there was nowhere to hide;

I’d just go on my way,

asking myself why they hate me

just because I’m gay,

do they even (really) know

themselves…?

I’d be in the local library

and they would surround me,

ape nasty gestures

I can’t describe because it makes me

feel, oh, so bad inside

where there’s nowhere to hide;

I’d just walk away,

asking myself if maybe it’s true

what some people say,

that we never (really) know

our true selves

It was in the local park,

where they ganged up on me,

pulled knives

and I was scared because it made me

feel, oh, so angry inside

and I did not want to hide

or walk away

but told them what I’d learned

the hard way

that only cowards (really) run

from themselves

It was getting dark,

as they closed in for the kill,

just for kicks,

and I braced myself for the fight

of my life, no matter what,

and I didn’t give a thought

how it might end

then someone yelled ‘Police!’

and suddenly

the gang scattered and left me

to myself

I shook my head

as if to clear it of rage and fear,

but in vain,

as through hot tears I saw you

for the very first time,

and I knew you even then

for the stranger

in dreams since just a child,

feelings running wild,

needing someone to love me

for myself

We’re walking down a street,

and people nod knowingly at us

but quickly look away

as we nod knowingly back,

smiles on our faces

because we’re going places

they cannot follow

for we’re going all the way

to where couples the world over 

let love have its way,

and being gay is okay, we have

each other

Copyright R N. Taber 2015

Ghost in the Mirror OR A Rage to Live

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

For any gay person who feels, for whatever reason, that he or she cannot be openly gay, it is a terrible lie to live and burden to carry. I lived that lie for years as a youth and young man (I will be 70 this year) and it not only saddens but horrifies me that in the 21st century there are still gay boys and girls, men and women worldwide, who feel they cannot be openly gay but must give the appearance of being heterosexual. Those responsible, whether within family and/or religious and/or cultural circles should hang their heads in shame for their intolerance and inhumanity. 

Lies, like ghosts, are inclined to haunt us, but not necessarily in a bad way; they can, in truth, drive us towards a kinder reality or at least one likely to invest the inner self with greater integrity than any so-called ‘reality’ we may have been led to believe (for whatever reason) is all there is…

Reality for the human being comprises a multitude of differences; differences that make people not different, just human, and deserving of respect for their humanity regardless of colour, creed, sex or sexuality. If we cannot respect each other’s differences, what chance of finding common ground on which to build a worthwhile relationship as a family member, friend, lover, colleague or whatever...?

The young, closet man I once was would confront lies in mirrors  and shop windows daily. ashamed that I hadn't the strength of character to look the world in the eye. Among the lies, though, were greater truths such as passed on by generations of LGBT people working against intolerable odds to create a better, kinder world for the likes of me; it was for them as much as for myself that I finally y flung the closet door wide open (rather than toe it occasionally ajar) at the ripe old age of 40. Even now, though, I sometimes see that tormented closet self in the eyes of passers-by, fellow passengers on a bus or train...and am truly thankful to be free.

GHOST IN THE MIRROR or A RAGE TO LIVE

I told myself a lie,
lived that lie for years
till (inevitably?)
a day came I broke down
in tears,
and through my tears
I watched the lie
come for me out of a mist
like a ghost

The ghost revealed
the lie had run its course
till (inevitably?)
it was breaking me down
in pieces,
and among the pieces
I caught glimpses
of consequences slowly
killing me

Pieces all in place,
I saw the bigger picture
that (in spite of me)
had haunted my other self
taunting me for years

of giving fictions 
priority over reality,

time to face home truths,

make amends

Reality, taking pride
of place at last, better late
than never ...
all but ready to cast off

a lonely closet past

ill-spent deceiving myself

about wanting to spare 

any loved ones shedding

tears over me

I confessed to the lie,
I‘d hid behind for years
and (inevitably?)
a day came I broke down,
revealed all,
and through my tears
I walked free,
embracing truth, world,
and sexuality

The ghost, it stayed,
a reminder of those years
and (inevitably?)
it rages now and then
in my ears, about
just how it was before

I saw my way 

to holding my head high
for being gay

Copyright R. N. Taber 2015