http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber
Now and then readers email me
to ask if I consider myself an atheist or agnostic because I am gay and, if
not, why not…?
Over the years (I'm in my 70's now) I have lost count of the times I have
been told by members of various religious groups that I will go to hell for
being gay. A colleague at work once told me that she enjoyed working with me,
and she was sorry I would go to hell (for being gay.) If we had not been in a
busy public library at the time, I would have given her as good as I was
getting, but I kept a tactful silence. If she interpreted my silence as a
respectful one, she could not have been more wrong; her religion I respect,
yes, its bigotry, no. Fortunately not all religious people are bigots, and I
have felt privileged, indeed, to meet some of them.
So ... God is a homophobe? Evangelical Christians and the majority of
Muslims are by far the worst, for being homophobic, but I exclude none. (While
Judaism is inclined towards a liberal attitude towards LGBT issues, most
Orthodox Jews stop well short of sanctioning LGBT relationships.) For this
reason, I am publishing this post/poem on both blogs; it first appeared in
2017. Regular readers will know that I have every respect for all religious
faiths, but as a human being (who happens to be gay) I have the right of reply
... don't I?
At school, 50+ years ago, we were once asked to write an essay about
‘Secrets’. This was preceded by a class discussion on the subject during which
we were all agreed that secrets are hard to keep, especially from family and
friends. Someone made an unkind remark about gays not being ‘out’ to which the
teacher responded with a wry shrug that “Time outs us all, in the end. The
trick is to get in first, before gossip and ignorance can do their worst.’ This
comment certainly livened up the debate, but I missed most of what was being
said for dwelling on the concept of Time ‘outing us all in the end.’ It is so
true. Gay or straight, it is a rare person that has no secrets; invariably
these come out, if not during their lifetime then in the course of events
following their death.
I only came out to a few people until a bad nervous breakdown in my 30’s
finally rid me of all self-consciousness about my sexuality. Even then, though,
I trod carefully through what I had known for years as a minefield of public
opinion. The breakdown had lasted several years before I found the confidence
to face the world again. During this time, I explored human nature through avid
reading and writing poetry, both of which had already stood me in good stead at
university.
Being gay is, of course, only one aspect of human nature, one part of a
complex whole. It has always been the whole that interests me although,
obviously, I have a special interest in the gay aspect. Some gay people seem to
find it strange that I write general as well as gay-interest poetry. But…why
not? Being gay is a very significant part of who I am, yes, but I can hardly
ignore the rest of me, those other parts that make me who and what I am. Well,
can I...?
In my 70’s now, I often look back and wish I had done things differently
(as in ‘better’) but I guess we are all victims of our circumstances up to a
point, and my circumstances have often conspired against me. Yet, I am no
victim in the sense that I made my own choices, albeit not always the right
ones.
Many who subscribe to a religion have told me I will forfeit Heaven and go
to Hell although I suspect we make our own heaven and hell as our lives take
shape by our own hand. So is death the end of all things, I wonder? I have no
idea, but as a nature lover, take comfort from the way nature nurtures itself,
and spring follows winter. Love, too, never dies even as lovers and loved ones
pass away. I suppose I put what Faith I have in nature and love rather than in
any religion since, from both, I have always taken a strong sense of
spirituality. As to whether or not that sense of spirituality is seen as a
sufficiently positive force in my poetry to pass into living memory after
my death, only time will tell.
No agnostic or atheist, me, but a pantheist.
IT IS WHAT IT IS…OR IS IT?
Time running out,
mind-body-spirit left floundering
among regrets
for missed opportunities, rushes
to misjudgement,
and plain, everyday mistakes
with consequences...
for there can be no payback
equal to the task
of making reparation for any flaws
in humankind
No sense of a God
likely to extend any forgiveness
to the likes of me,
unable to relate to any Heaven
(potential safe haven)
throughout a lifetime of struggling
to make sense of dogma
interpreted by Religion’s finest
as leave to preach
a Politics of the Heart making sense
of humankind
How then to approach
the End of Things in the absence
of any New Beginning
other than as some deactivated spirit
gone to ashes, dust,
someone else’s (imperfect) memory,
there to endure
a kindly ‘eternity’ that sits more easily
on the tongue than ‘death’
while advocating spiritual qualities
in humankind?
I have asked this of poems
that have dogged my every footstep
from child to senior,
no one answer offered (or confirmed)
but a sense of moving
through time (other than growing old)
acting out tales passed on
by ghosts about leaving footprints;
no one left behind
but (together) creating a continuum
called humankind
To each, our own way,
engaging with the greater mysteries
of life and death,
finding such comfort as we can,
pinning our finer hopes
on what’s better, kindlier, said
and done, wiser choices
than less so, promise nurtured
or left unfulfilled
for an indefinable social conscience
to define us as it will
Whatever, it is what it is, and Time
will out us all one way or another…
Copyright R. N. Taber 2017; 2020
[Note: This poem/ post also appears on my general poetry blog today.]
