Body Positive

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Both poems appeared on both blogs in 2012 - on World AIDS Day - but received little interest and views here over several years; eventually, inexplicably, it disappeared and I did not replace  although  its sister post continues to be well visited on my general poetry blog. The poems appear here again today at the request of a reader who says his life has been 'turned upside down' after revealing to family and friends not only that he is gay, but has also that he has been tested positive for HIV-AIDS. He feels "rejected to the extend that I am even having suicidal thoughts." 

I would urge anyone harbouring suicidal thoughts to call The Samaritans (116 123) if in the UK or email jo@Samaritans.co.uk as their email service extends beyond the UK; also search the Internet for LGBT support groups if no one springs to mind to whom you can turn. 

Some people in some countries remain actively hostile towards LGBT people and we can only hope that love and commonsense will prevail in the end. Meanwhile, we can but seek support from those loved ones and friends who continue to put humanity before any bigotry and give any inhumanity the contempt and cold shoulder it deserves. Having said that, it has to be said that some people do need more time than others to get used to revelations about which they genuinely had no idea; this is especially true where formative years have taken countless faux stereotypes to heart.

For many people, it is only when HIV-AIDS strikes close to home that they ask themselves questions they should have asked long ago, but saw no need, content enough to go along with the flow  of socio-cultural-religious bigotry and hypocrisy that continues to make itself felt in certain societies worldwide to this day.

BODY POSITIVE

Life, death!

Floods me, goads me,

leads me beside hot beaches

where I run, a dazzling sea

cheering me on, and I wonder

where the lark has gone

that fixed me so with its cheer

before abandoning me here

like a forgotten toy filled with joy

for its having all but played

me out before going about nature’s

own business

Life, death!

Calls me, galls me,

urges me back, back to you;

but we are gone,

the taste of us honey on my tongue

where we romped and played

like tots in make-believe, heading

barefoot among jellyfish

for the Punch and Judy man

who’ll make us laugh

if anyone can before the sun goes down,

our time forgotten

Life, death!

Overtaken us now,

beckoning. I’ll not rush my pace

for we’ve already run our race,

won a place among same stars enchanting

same lulling swell.

All’s well. One lost toy recovered

and taken home. Punch and Judy

in a packing case,

sleeping it off at some Bed and Breakfast.

I, filled with a night too exquisite for words

like those we shared...

Before AIDS

Copyright R. N. Taber 1996; 2012

[Note: A slightly different version first appeared in August and Genet by R. N. Taber (Wire Poetry Booklet series) Aramby Publishing,1996 and subsequently in various poetry publications prior to its inclusion in Love And Human Remains by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2000.]

None of us, gay or straight can afford to be complacent...

Didn’t test to see if I was HIV positive,

I was scared,

then my lover asked me outright

and I lied…

thinking I wasn’t really lying, believed

I was okay

but the lie began to haunt me more

each night and day,

especially when in my arms he lay

his body in my trust

I should find out, I thought, I must

have a test,

I can’t go on pretending like this

even as we kiss

that there’s no virus in me I can pass on

(as if I would)

but I cannot answer for the unknown,

need to find out

be worthy of his love and trust

or we’ll never last

Eventually, I had the test, it was negative,

I was relieved,

then I asked my lover outright

and he cried...

swore he hadn’t known when we first met

but discovered since,

too scared to tell me in case I got angry

(as I’d been he might reject me)

so what could I do but hold him near

plant kisses in his hair?

 

Yes, we’ve had the test, my love and me,

it set us free

from doubt and fear because, together,

we are strong,

can deal with whatever this life

dishes us…

beats treading on our dreams, left alone

and up against it;

above all its blessings, place trust

or love will fail the test

[From: On the Battlefields of Love by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2010] 

Mind-Body-Spirit, on Rescue Alert

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

This week saw  World Mental Health Day, but every day is a struggle for some. This poem appeared on my general blog in July 2011. To see the original post, go the the archives - on the right hand side of any blog page - for https://rogertab.blogspot.com/

IYears ago, I became very deoressed about being gay, feeling rejected by family, friends and workmates for my sexuality alone...just a few of the knock life is inclined to throw at us, human nature being what it is.

Now, as a great fan of actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers (I loved The Tudors series on TV) I was very saddened to read that he had apparently attempted suicide. I attempted the same during a severe nervous breakdown some 30+ years ago. I swallowed a LOT of paracetamol tablets, washed down with a bottle of sherry. [Needless to say, I haven’t touched sherry since.] It was a terrible time, and I well recall the despair when I woke up after being unconscious for about 35 hours. Even so, I couldn’t stand the pain so managed to stagger half-dressed to my local surgery that was close to where I was living at the time.

Recovery took years, and I was unable to work for nearly four. Regular readers will be familiar with my poems like the one below that take depression and rising above it as a theme. I still suffer bouts of depression as I have since childhood, but I know the warning signs now and usually manage to rise above things through my writing, thereby avoiding going into free fall.

My passion for nature plays no small part in a self-taught capacity for positive thinking that, again, has its roots in a troubled childhood. I didn’t grow up in a broken home or anything as awful, but an appalling relationship with my father and a significant hearing loss that no one picked up on made life (and me) difficult, to say the least. It didn’t help when, as a teenager, I had to learn to cope alone with an awakening sexuality; same sex relationships remained a criminal offence here in the UK until 1967 by which time I was in my early 20’s.

Failure to commit suicide gave me a whole new outlook on life. So, yes, I am glad I failed although life has been an uphill struggle ever since, both emotionally and psychologically. Yet, isn’t life a challenge for most of us? I suspect the key is to take up the challenge instead of letting notions of failure mess with the mind; with the heart, too, perhaps. It isn’t easy, and there are times when the depressed person wants to run away from it all. Even so, as I have already said, learn to recognise the signs and it becomes marginally easier to prevent freefall.

For an actor, writer or any creative person, being something of a perfectionist is a mixed blessing. The perfectionist is never satisfied with his or her performance and this alone can lead us to the cliff edge of despair. One of the hardest lessons a creative person has to learn is to enjoy the creative process for its own sake, and while trying our best, not cave in to a mistaken sense of failure should our achievements fall short of expectation. Someone once said to me that she could not do anything creative until she recovered her self-esteem. In my experience, that is putting the cart before the horse. Until we try something, we will never know whether or not we can succeed at it; if we don’t succeed, we should give ourselves a pat on the back for trying and try something else until we discover our forte, something that gives us satisfaction and a boost to self-esteem that can only grow if duly nurtured.

Never feel a failure. Invariably, we do so in relation to someone else. There are times in life when other people don’t matter in the sense that we will only continue to feel close to freefall all the while we insist on comparing ourselves with those whom we most admire for whatever reason. At such times, we need to put ourselves first and refuse to let others put us down for who and what we are.

We can only make the best of what talents we have, and if these are insufficient to give us a sense of fulfilment then we should look elsewhere for the tools we need to help us feel a more complete person. Love and friendship offer fulfilment if we are prepared to work at them and not take either for granted. A talent for love and friendship is as creative an inspiration as we are ever likely to find in life; they come in all shapes and sizes and, again, we should not compare what we seek with others who have different needs and expectations.

I have said before on the blogs, we are all different and should not be in any hurry to measure ourselves by other people’s achievements.

I doubt whether Jonathan Rhys Myers reads my blog, but to him and all people driven to that degree of psychological and emotional free fall for whatever reason, I say, take heart, think well of yourself, and time may not heal all our hurts, but it will do a damn good job on most of them if only we are prepared work at it. There are no quick fixes and time can seem (very) frustratingly slow, but trying out new steps each day will produce positive results in the end if not always at a time we need them most.

A depressed person deserves a medal just for going through the motions of getting on with daily life. Believe me, I have been there, and my heart goes out to all those who suffer the worst depression can throw at us. Even once it has taken what seems like an eternity to lift, it will hover, and then go to wait in the wings until the next time it will try to take centre-stage; it is up to us to try and make sure it doesn’t. Oh, it will probably always insist on being a bit player in our lives, but that becomes just about bearable. People who suffer from depression are very fortunate indeed if it doesn’t make at least the occasional appearance. [The trick is to see it coming, and keep it from doing too much damage.]

To their loved ones, friends and work colleagues, I urge patience and understanding. Depression is NOT the same as feeling low or fed-up; it is light years beyond. At the same time, there is no need to let a depressed person’s mood swings take you to the edge as well. Speak up. Don’t let anyone walk all over you, whether they are depressed or not. But do so with kindness rather than in anger. Keep faith with love and friendship; it is at such times when depression or other hardships strike and test all of us that both truly come into their own.

Oh, but life can be so complicated, and rarely gives us a clear run all the way. Yet, for all its ups and downs, it is the only life we have so let’s make the best, not the worst of it, yeah? [Did I say it was easy?]

MIND-BODY-SPIRIT, ON RESCUE ALERT

A shadow came to squat by my side,
its features obscured,
took my hand, claimed to be a guide,
said I should not be afraid;
a voice as silky as a child’s brow
persuaded me to my feet,
vaguely familiar voices calling, ‘No!’
distant echoes in my heart

If reassuring, the voice kept insisting
this was no time to be fanciful,
its silk at my ears faintly brushing
like lips behind a veil;
I let myself be led into my own garden
where I’d plant flowers,
prune its fruit trees and mow the lawn
during golden hours

Yet, even as the trellis gate swung open
to let us enter there,
I was gripped by an awful premonition
and sickening fear;
the silky voice took on a mocking tone
as the veil fell away
to a pecking at my flesh to the very bone
like a bird of prey

In a panic, I called the garden to my aid
only to see…
its trees were dying, its flowers dead,
the lawn but a spread of algae;
desperate to escape being eaten alive,
I tore myself free,
begging of that cold, dark, watery grave
a last sanctuary

I dropped as sure as a stone into the slime
and lay on its bed,
watching the algae, like veils of time,
expose half-truths over my head;
hands reached down to pull me to a surface
I instantly recognised,
where fruit trees, flowers and green grass
have endured

Between the lines of Earth Mother’s smile
I read how survival is but half the battle...

Copyright R. N. Taber 2009

Heart to Heart, a Plea for Common Sense

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Several emails from readers worried sick about the reaction of family and friends to their coming out prompted me to write today’s poem.

If acknowledging to ourselves we are gay is traumatic experience, coming out to friends and family can prove even more so. especially if we live in a gay-unfriendly socio-cultural-religious environment. 

here we are in the 21st century and still homophobia is alive and kicking. In my experience, this is often because so many straight people have no understanding about what it means to be gay, trenagender of simply 'different'. - not least because they have neither really thought about it nor had a chance to discuss it, calmly, objectively and intelligently either at home, school or wherever. Consequently, they remain hung up on misleading, invariably offensive stereotypes that continue to attach themselves to gay and transgender men and women in the minds of the less enlightened among the heterosexual majority.

As I have said any times on my blogs, our differences do not make us different, simply human.

The problem with so-called political correctness is that too many people are afraid to say what they really think. How can we put people right unless we know what they are thinking? There is nothing worse than being tolerated. Sexuality deserves better. For a start, it deserves respect.

A heart to heart can work wonders. (Did I say it would be easy?)

HEART TO HEART, A PLEA FOR COMMON SENSE

Dear family and friends,

see how, come what may,

it really makes no difference

I’m gay

I’m the same person,

that’s sharing with you

the same heartfelt conviction

love is all

If love but conditional,

where does that leave us

as supposedly more spiritual

than beasts?

I crave love and peace,

and if you loved me once,

why should you love me less

for my sexuality?

Infant, now grown3 rev. 

no less a Child of the Earth

or free to run with nature’s own

for being gay

Copyright R. N. Taber 2004, rev. 2014

[Note: An earlier version of this poem was written in 2003 and first published in The Third Eye by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2004.]

They, Who are 'They'? AND Ode to a Homophobe

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

I read yesterday that openly gay USA TV host Ellen De Generes recently made a tearful appeal to America’s young gay people facing prejudice following a series of deaths. She is reported as saying the US faces a ‘wake-up call’ after student Tyler Clementi leapt to his death after his room mate allegedly a romantic meeting with a man and streamed it on the web. This is appalling. Our hearts must go out to Tyler, his family and friends as well as the families and friends of all those driven to such lengths by sick, ignorant cowards. For that is what bullying is, the work of narrow minded, bigoted cowards.

Comments by people like rapper 50 Cent don’t help. He is reported as refusing to apologise after he appeared to urge gay men to commit suicide in a rant on Twitter. Nor is it the first time he has aired homophobic views. In 2004 he told Playboy magazine ‘I don’t like gay people around me because I am not comfortable with what their thoughts are……but women who like women, that’s cool.’ What a nice man! And what an ego! As if any gay man would give such a jerk a second thought…!!

This is the 21st century, for goodness sake. By now, homophobia like racism should be stone dead. Instead, both are very much alive and kicking. Interestingly, in the West, where some people would probably think twice about saying anything that might be construed as racist these days, gay people are often considered fair game by the less enlightened among the heterosexual majority. Do they realise, I wonder, what a good many ordinary, decent people think of them?

People in the public eye have a responsibility to lead by example, surely? Thank goodness for those who not only have the courage to be openly gay but will also speak up for us; we should not underestimate their contribution to the fight against homophobia.

While I am not impressed by today’s celebrity culture, there is no denying that celebrities exert enormous influence in society, especially over impressionable young people. That is what makes 50 Cent’s rant so irresponsible and inexcusable. Of course he is entitled to his opinions and I would be the last person to deny anyone freedom of speech. But those in the public eye do have a responsibility to lead by example. The BAD news is that many don’t. The GOOD news is that more do than don’t. Unfortunately, it’s invariably those that don’t who make a splash in the media and exert a bad influence, especially on impressionable young people and fans.

I well remember how it was when I was a young gay teenager and in my early 20s when homosexuality was a criminal offence here in the UK. It was tough and I contemplated suicide more than once…until I found life, beauty and hope in nature and began to understand I am as I was born and there is nothing wrong, sinful or unnatural about that.

They’ have a lot to answer for…

THEY, WHO ARE 'THEY'?

They said I should
have stood up to the bullies
who tormented me
each day, that they would
have run away
had I not made so vulnerable
a picture, fair game
for any small-minded
conjecture

They said I should
have stood up to the thug
who demanded
I key n my P.I.N. to obtain
my own ransom
from a handy cash machine
or I’d be certain
to have makeshift surgery
on my spleen

They said I would
be a fool to dare embark
on a gay lifestyle,
as it would only bring me pain,
a wasted life;
better to go straight (they said)
prove to everyone
how I'm a 'real' man'
and take a wife…

They said I could
not survive in today's world
where life
is all about surviving a rat race
where 'real' men
need to walk tall, be strong..
but I ignored them,
went my own way, resolved
to prove them wrong

Let the bullies
have their say, web trolls
and gossips
do their worst, I will
overcome
with (more than)  a little help
from my friends,
(hopefully) family too,
and win through

Copyright R N Taber 2005

[Note: First published as 'They' in A Feeling for the Quickness of Time by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2005.]

Why is it, I wonder that homophobes love a bigoted rant?  Could it be perhaps that they are frustrated by their own sexuality? Regular readers will be familiar with this  next poem; it has appeared on the blog before. In the context of this post, I feel it bears repeating yet again. [If interested, you can see/hear me reading it on the 4th plinth in Trafalgar Square last year as part of sculptor Antony Gormley’s One & Other ‘live’ sculpture. [One reason I included the poem is because homophobic attacks, in particular on gay men, had been on the rise in the London area for some time.]

http://www.webarchive.org.uk/wayback/archive/20100223121732/oneandother.co.uk/participants/Roger_T

The web stream had a global audience and it may be of some reassurance to any distressed gay person anywhere in the world that I received messages of support from all over.

Stuff the homophobes! We are all human beings and, as such, have a right to live our lives in peace and freedom, regardless of colour, creed, sex…and sexuality.

ODE TO A HOMOPHOBE

You parade your macho like a trophy
and frequently abuse gay men,
but if so confident in your sexuality
why this crass overreaction?

You say gay people are sad, sick cases,
at the very least immoral,
yet you go to church, sing His praises
(and expect Him to be grateful?)

You say being gay is a mortal sin,
love to take the moral high…
yet what less right gay men and women
to love and be loved till they die?

Gay people need to give truth a name
and learn to give it substance;
Homophobes would never dare the same
for fear of exposing their ignorance

We are all God’s children, the churches cry,
each worthy of His love and our own;
Yet, time after time. their holy leaders lie,
leave gay people to pray alone

The century is changing it has to be said,
a War on Terror all around.
and while one homophobe wishes us dead,
it is a war without end

Copyright R N Taber 2007

[Note: Despite the title, the poem is, of course, also a villanelle, first published in  Accomplices to Illusion by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2007]