Winter Wonderland

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

.We should never underestimate the lasting power of true friendship. Yes, some so-called friends are shallow and easily offended, especially when they are nursing a hurt ego, while others may well need time to understand that a hurt ego needs nursing back to health, and not left to fester. (Yes, I know I have said much the same thing many times on my blogs, but, something worth saying is always worth repeating.)

It can come as a shock to some family members and friends when a gay man or woman flings open his or her dark closet and lets in the sunlight. Sunlight can be blinding sometimes.

Years ago, when I was just a boy at school, a teacher asked why I had fallen out with my best friend. I can’t remember over what we had argued, but I do recall it was something that seemed important at the time, but with hindsight was trivial. The teacher made a comment I have never forgotten, to the effect that a friendship worth having is always worth saving, whatever it takes.

Over the years, I have fallen out with lots of people for various reasons (as most if not all of us do) and I always ask myself this question, does it really matter?  Sometimes, the answer is an unequivocal ‘yes’ in which case I will always do my best to patch things up with that person.  Where the friendship is strong, I always succeed, and if it means swallowing a little pride, it has always been worth it.

I guess there is nothing like falling out with someone to make us realise whether or not we really want that person in our life. If we do, we just have to hope they feel the same way, and wherever the friendship runs true, an olive branch will (nearly) always do the trick. Someone, though, has to make the first move...

WINTER WONDERLAND

The first snow of winter falling,
as I walked in woods alone,
I heard a familiar voice calling,
asking where I had gone

I'd seen nothing of you for ages,
since we’d argued one day
over filling time’s blank pages
with graffiti for my being gay

Suddenly, I heard a robin making
the case for your defence, 
our friendship up for the saving,
no matter what odds against

You said I should have been open
about my being gay;
I'd raged, hurt by your reaction,
ignoring all you had to say  

Calmer as the snow began settling,
(my feet, minds of their own)
I faced demons I’d been wrestling,
resolved to put them down

At your front door, I rang the bell,
wondering if you’d answer;
when you did, a big hug said it all,
the best of friends forever

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2015

Open to Question

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Hi everyone. Hope you like today’s poem. Some blog readers contact me via the comments button, but I do not post comments, good or bad. Please include an email address if you want me to reply. (I love to hear from blog readers worldwide.)

Body language says it all...but is easily misunderstood, too, so you have to get it right .

Oh, but who has not been there, sitting at a bar, cafe, wherever... alone, glancing around...wishing and hoping ..? 

OPEN TO QUESTION

He looked at me, smiled,

made my day,

and I could only wonder.

is he gay...?

He was with a friend

chatting away,

and I could only wonder,

is he gay...?

I smiled back uncertainly,

wistfully, shy;

was it just a friendly smile

or…why?

He did not look at me again,

my fantasy guy,

leaving me to but wonder,

can a smile lie?

They left, these two friends

I ordered  a beer,

thinking how life is a bitch,

my way unclear…

Man with the Smile returned

on his own,

grabbed a bar stool by mine,

tossed me a grin

The way his eyes engaged me,

made my day,

and I did not have to wonder,

is he gay...?

Copyright R. N. Taber 2015

Destination, Now-or-Never

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

More than one person I know (gay, straight, male and female) has confessed to wet dreams about a stranger they have seen on a train time and again, but to whom they have never found the nerve say a word…

'With love and patience, nothing is impossible.' - Daisaku Ikeda

DESTINATION, NOW-OR-NEVER

We’d catch the same train

to work, and (more often than not)

the same train home again,

alighting at the very same station,

and I didn’t dare say a word

lest my voice betray the extent

of my growing attraction

to his looks, smile, even the way

he would idly play

with his necktie while gazing out

at the world rushing by,

(unmoved by our leaving it behind)

a frantic desire in me 

that we share an impossible dream

of incredible intimacy

One wintry evening, snowing,

trains running late so we had to wait

on the station concourse,

eagerly watching out for signs of life

on the departure board,

and he stood by me, commenting

on the inability of trains

to run to schedule at the first hint

of weather like this,

and we chatted together like friends,

me, weak at the knees,

dreading the moment (all to soon)

making us strangers again,

and I would be left feeling even more

hopeless, helpless, alone 

Suddenly, he's suggesting

we might go for a coffee while waiting

for the running-late train,

and I can hardly believe my own ears

or manage a silly grin

before we're on our way, small talk

order of the day

but more than enough for me just to be

in his company, flying high

on his voice, his smile, everything

about him taking me 

where we dreamers fear being woken

at some reality check

throwing us into freefall for despairing

of love’s hurt garden

Over coffee, I continued to fly

on his every word, timbre of a voice

making my spine tingle

as I wondered if he was single, attached,

married, with a partner,

bi-curious, even gay, although no idea

how to ask so said nothing,

feeding on our small talk as a sparrow  

might on garden crumbs

after a heavy snowfall, wanting to live,

needing to survive,

mind-body-spirit on the same autopilot  

that would have us on the run

from scary unfamiliar circumstances  

outside our comfort zone 

We exchanged first names,

and a few (irrelevant) personal details

before an announcement

over the tannoy, our train arriving soon,

time to be on our way;

it was now or never, and I blurted out

how I liked him a lot,

hoped we might be friends, inviting him

to make himself at home

in that place beyond words and temporality 

where sexuality takes us,

plucking heart from sleeve, refusing

to (ever) let us go free

until we agree to keep it safe, nurture

through season after season

He suggested with a cheeky grin

that we start over, have another coffee, 

catch another train,

idly playing with his necktie, confiding

I was an unknown quantity

and he'd, oh, so wanted to know more, 

but mind-body-spirit 

had been too shy to ask for fear of breaking

the spell I had him under,

leading him to imagine us together

ultimately, intimately;

any last minute doubts abandoned me 

to a high, the more so 

for we two having ghosted such dreams

as we'd  thought impossible

Copyright R. N. Taber 2015; rev. 2020

What-a-Mess

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

A reader once emailed me to say he or she found it “disturbing if not offensive” that my poetry collections include poems on a gay theme.

What can I say? Our sexuality is only a part - albeit an integral one - of who we are. There is more to us all, gay or straight, than our sexulity. Do we ignore the rest? Of course not, yet I have noticed that once a straight person knows I am gay, many are inclined to look no further. 

We should take poems - like people - as we find them, surely? By all means, be critical…but not judgemental. We might even try to learn if not always take pleasure from them. Besides general and gay-interest poetry simply reflect different (but not separate) voices of the same genre; similarly, whatever our ethnicity, creed, sex or sexuality, we comprise the same human race. 

Well, don't we...?

WHAT-A-MESS

I’m gay, okay? That’s me,
so take it or leave it, love me,
make time for a chat (world
to rights, tit-for-tat) or let me be;
all in the same boat, none of us
the better, worse, wiser, less able 
than anyone else to explain
where common sense has gone
in respecting other points of view
since acknowledged human

I mean to say, society's a mess
without gay folks driving home
the point, must be something 
in who shouts the louder gets heard
the sooner (if not listened to)
no one else finding an ear, unless 
they so happen to be fighting 
some politically sensitive corner, 
given that all's fair in love and war
notwithstanding glaring errors

Better we do our own thing
and go our own ways, no matter
our 'betters' enjoy the benefit
of their field days, closing ranks
for doing their well-meaning
best or worst by whatever colour, 
creed, sexuality or our station
in life who would but stay true
to ourselves and each other if only
to keep body and soul together

Whatever anyone else may say
or do, 1+ 1 one will always make
the two of us, though a precious
humanity get it wrong, preferring
to do certain sums differently,
inclined to forget just how much 
diversity contributes to Society
except when needs must tap into
its voting power, take us all for fools
for believing it's got its sums right

Copyright R. N.Taber 2004; 2018

[Note: An earlier version of this poem was published under the title 'One to One' in The Third Eye by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2004]

With a little Help from Nature

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Now and then, I find someone to chat to in a bar and now and then people tell me stories that set off a poem in my head…

Such a time was one evening recently. I met two gay guys who have been partners for years, and they told me how they first got together. I commented how they had been through a lot together, bad times and good. One simply shrugged and pointed out, "If it's out of our past we shape our present, it has to be out of our present we shape our future, right? It takes a positive thinking ethos to find any of us in good shape at the end of the road...or why bother?" He grinned, adding, "Besides, we love each other and you don't get more positive than that, do you?" 

It struck me as a timely reminder of how acknowledgement of and reconciliation with the inner self can move mountains...

Oh, but I do so love a happy ending, don’t you? History is full of them, of course, but for some reason human nature tends to focus more often on the unhappy ones. (Could it be they make for a more interesting conversation?) Whatever, we should celebrate happiness as the foundation stone of life not simply an aspiration. Think happy, be happy. Oh, and why not...? It has to be better than think sad, be sad... doesn't it?

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM NATURE

I asked the wind if you loved me,
but the wind could not say;
I asked the trees for a love poem
but the trees stayed quiet
and still, till I began to despair
that you might ever truly care for me
as I (so) cared for you

Two rabbits, a fine pair they made.
scampering openly in a glade…
Envied them a freedom if only brief,
enjoying the autumn sunshine
as I would with you, only I had yet
to trust your heart might ever see me
as more than a playmate

Closet ways, tearful days, loneliness
clawing away at all of me;
body, mind, and spirit now caving in
to desire, on fire, desperate
for an embrace, everyday masks
tossed aside, now, a fearful welling up
inside of anxious sexuality

You, too, were in the woods that day,
and chance would have it
we should meet, and we were different,
you and I, as if conjured up
like rabbits out of a hat, mindful
of a gentle wind urging ages-old trees
to help us find our voices

Nor does love have any need of words
to make itself known, heard;
all it took was an accidental-on-purpose
stumble against each other
and a clumsy, intimate, helping hand
transcended into an embrace for gay love
to prove to us it has a voice  

Copyright R. N. Taber 2015

Homing in on Priorities

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Even in countries like the UK that now permit gay marriage, coming out is not necessarily easy, especially to people close to us who think they know us through and through but to whom it has never occurred we might be gay.  Now, coming out may or may not be tough on us, but we should always remember it can be tough on family, friends and colleagues. too, so we may well need to give them time to get used to the idea, not automatically feel rejected and misunderstood simply because they don’t always react positively at first. Religious-minded people, especially, often find it hard to accept the existence of a ' gay gene' that is passed on from generation to generation, sometimes missing a few but invariably resurfacing eventually. 

Now, I never give advice, but will always give an opinion if asked. Only (very) recently, a reader e-mailed to say he cannot live without his (closet) boyfriend but neither can he face being openly gay. What should he do?  Well, no one can make that decision for him, but hopefully, today’s poem might help him to make up his mind and acknowledge where his heart lies.

[Photo taken from the Internet]

HOMING IN ON PRIORITIES

He said we must part
because I would not come out
of my safe (if scary) closet and say
this is me, I am gay

I was afraid of exposing
my all  to the world’s stark light,
laying myself open to sentiments
parading its ignorance

I should ignore the bigots
he would say and I had to agree,
but even our passion fuelled my fears
fed on unshed tears

At the parting of our ways,
I cried and begged him to reconsider
the only demand you ever made of me,
no more closet sexuality

He kissed me goodbye
and walked away, leaving me alone
to endure a dark, so-cold pit of misery, 
all my senses numbing

I tried to hate you for that,
but rage never (really) stood a chance
against needing to love, be loved in turn,
reconcile with being born

So I told the world I’m gay,
not (quite) as hard as I had imagined
at the moment I contrived that we’d meet,
and kissed you in the street

Now, we share words of love
anyone might overhear, and respond
for good, bad, or not at all... so who cares?
Not our problem, but theirs


Copyright R. N. Taber 2015

You-Me-Us, a Safekeeping

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

I am retired now and have lived on my own for many years. I have some good friends, but would often go to a pub for a few drinks after work in the hope of finding someone to chat to rather than head directly home to an empty flat.

At such times, I would usually avoid gay bars so guys would not assume I was trying to chat them up, and a predominantly straight but gay-friendly bar I knew was always a favourite option. Sometimes, I might well find myself attracted to someone after chatting for a while. Then of course, I would have to try and work out if he was gay and whether he might even be similarly attracted to me. Invariably, I’d just enjoy the company and leave it at that rather than risk making a fool of myself. Yet, every now and then I’d consider the risk worth taking …and take it.

 ‘Win some, lose some.’ ‘Nothing ventured, nothing gained.’ All the old clichés conspired (with several pints of ale) to persuade me…

YOU-ME-US, A SAFEKEEPING

We had only just met
in a crowded, gay-friendly bar
(I liked him a lot)

He had views, opinions,
a very open-minded sort of guy
(how time did fly!)

Bar closing, time to part,
and he invited me to his place
(to share his space?)

I could not even be sure
He liked me much the same way
(was he even gay?)

He was so dressed to kill,
and I was in old jeans and a tee
(did he really like me?)

Bar closing, time to choose
if going back with a total stranger
would put me in danger

He seemed a genuine person,
and the evening had gone so well
(I so fancied him like hell)

I’d take my chances and agreed,
enjoying the ride in his so-cool car
(still no hint of…whatever)

Later, we chatted over a coffee,
and I managed to turn conversation
Into homo erotic speculation

He laughed.  I thought I should go,
got to my feet, resigned to losing out
(but, oh, so glad we had met

I thanked him for a nice evening,
and expected we’d just shake hands
but found myself in his arms

We kissed and it was all so natural,
just like our getting together had been
(my idea of seventh heaven)

One night stands may come and go;
love, its beautiful dream left sleeping
till waking in our safekeeping

Copyright R. N. Taber 2015; 2017