Bring Me The Head Of An Honest Man

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Some readers have kindly e-mailed to ask after my health. I am fine, putting all thoughts of the prostate cancer cancer out of my mind (most of the time) and enjoying each day as it comes. Apart from having to rest a lot, I am determined to carry on as usual and see the cancer as a temporary nuisance, nothing more. It’s like fighting an enemy. Run away from the battle and it has won.

Meanwhile...

I have now posted all four ‘Brighton in May’ videos on You Tube. You should be able to access them from my YouTube channel [ http://www.youtube.com/rogerNtaber  ] but for the readers who have said the link does not work, here are the direct links:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-k1umqkeWME
(Brighton in May 1 - Peace - Three poems)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OApixHC9iY
(Brighton in May 2 – The Time Keeper)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxDfd2Pxqic
(Brighton in May 3 – Millions Like Us & Lasting Impressions)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gj2HSJCvvBo
(Brighton in May 4 - Shell Seekers)

Meanwhile...

Today's poem has been revised from the version that appeared both in my collection and on the blog in November 2008. It has been requested by Larry and Duncan who prefer the revised version. At the same time, I should perhaps add that an old friend and hardened critic of mine prefers the original.

Readers often ask why I revise poems at all. That’s not an easy question to answer as I don’t publish a poem unless I am satisfied it ‘works’ for me and is likely to ‘work’ for the reader; at the time, that is. Sometimes a distance of several years or more gives the inner eye a different perspective on a poem’s subject matter and/or presentation. Perhaps I am a better poet now? Ah, but only you, the reader, can answer that one.

BRING ME THE HEAD OF AN HONEST MAN

The first time you touched me was by chance
(was it not?) In my head began a dance
more seductive than Salome’s for John’s head;
my legs caved in to its spell. I had to sit down,
the dance driving me mad with a desire
I hadn’t acknowledged before, closeted in corners
of a mind unable to come to terms with all
that’s poised there, desperate to leap on the back
of thoughts told 'inappropriate' as a child,
now lighting a fire that’s driving me, yes, mad
with passion, longing to take this dancer
in arms desperate for the intimacy of body to body,
cheek to cheek, declaring ourselves lovers.
Yet, how may I desire a lover of my own sex?
It cannot be so, cannot be right if it’s true,
all I’ve ever heard said at home, school, work.
Ah, but how can I deny feelings like this,
as much a part of me as a father’s hug, mother’s kiss,
brother’s playful knock-about or being teased
by a best mate? How to take the dancer as I find
without denying family, friends, peace of mind,
explain how the person they perceive is but a shell
this inner self must leave - to live a life that’s true,
shedding veils a body would hide, seizing alter ego
by the head, kissing its lips, setting its tongue
free to seek, explore, where it never dared before
because home truths hung back from knocking
at its door?

Dance done, your fair head in my hands no trophy,
but a prize second to none

Copyright R. N. Taber 2007; 2011

[Note: An earlier version of this poem appears in Accomplices To Illusion by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2007.] 

A Ballad for Spring

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

I must thank all those readers who have been in touch to ask after my health. I am fine, just tired.

The phrase ‘prostate cancer’ strikes fear into the hearts of many men. It is a fact, however, that more men live with it than die from it. Even so, if treatment is advisable, as in my case...Well, no treatment is without risk. I will just have to take each day as it comes.

Fear not, dear readers, there is absolutely no likelihood of the Grim Reaper having his wicked way with me for a few years yet.

I really am very positive about the cancer, but can’t deny it gets a little scary sometimes. Right now, writing up the blog, I feel fine. (Yes, I do, really!) I expect to have good days and bad days, but remain determined that the latter shall be kept to a minimum. Physically, I am in good shape and have no pain whatsoever. The battle is more of a mental one; living with the knowledge that the cancer is there inside me, and knowing the treatment will leave me impotent. However, regarding the latter, I am assured there is an 80% chance that something like Viagra or Tadalafil will do the trick should I ever need it. It shouldn’t bother me since, at 65 years-old, I haven’t been sexually active for a while. Even so, I guess it has to do with my manhood feeling threatened.

Mostly, I rise above any feelings of inadequacy and threat, but every so often they strike and refuse to go away. Yet, a long, leisurely stroll on lovely Hampstead Heath, barely fifteen minutes walk from my front door, invariably restores me to positive thinking mode. As I live alone now, I am also very fortunate to have some very good friends who help me keep a sense of perspective. It is always good to talk things over with friends when troubled.

Having (eventually) decided against radiotherapy and opted for hormone therapy instead, I will have to live with prostate cancer for the rest of my life, all the more reason for...

Carpe Diem.

Besides...

How can I worry about prostate cancer when there is a beautiful spring to enjoy? Oh, and I mean to enjoy every splendid minute of it.

[Update (August 2013): Spring may be a while coming yet, but as so few of my gay-interest poems get published apart from in my own collections, I thought readers might be interested to know that this one has recently been accepted for publication by Forward Poetry in its forthcoming anthology, Spirit of Spring.]

A BALLAD FOR SPRING

We carved our initials on a tree
one beautiful spring day,
asked a bird to tell the world
we’re proud and gay

It was a swallow told its chicks,
as in the nest they lay,
don’t be afraid to sing the words,
proud and gay

We made love beneath that tree
one beautiful summer’s day
while swallows sang love songs,
proud and gay

Autumn sent the swallows south,
and my lover went away;
I could hear a north wind curse us,
proud and gay

Winter, it melted away into spring,
as poets like to say,
and the tree read love poems to me,
proud and gay

We put our lips to initials on the tree
one beautiful spring day,
thanks for a swallow’s reuniting us,
proud and gay

Copyright R. N. Taber 2011

Carriers

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

[Update, Sept 19, 2019: Today, the British Library confirmed that the link blow to the 4th plinth reading in 1999 is no longer available as the video is incompatible with an updated IT system. However, I am assured that the video still exists, and B L hope to make it available to the public again one day. Fingers crossed, and watch this space.] RNT

http://www.webarchive.org.uk/wayback/archive/20100223121732/oneandother.co.uk/participants/Roger_T [I am always being asked for this link to my poery reading on the 4th plinth in Trafalgar Square, my contribution to sculptor Antony Gormley's One and Other 'live' sculpture during the summer of 1999. For now, at least, this link needs the latest Adobe Flash Player  and works best in Firefox; the archives website cannot run Flash but changes scheduled for later this year may well mean the link will open without it. Ignore any error message and give it a minute or so to start up. The video lasts an hour. ] RT 3/18

This post is duplicated on both blogs today for obvious reasons.

Now, most feedback from readers is very positive, but every now and then someone complains. A reader has been in touch to say ‘Posting gay poetry on the Internet, to which young people have ready access, is not only inappropriate but also a corrupting influence.’ While I disagree (of course) he or she is welcome to their point of view.

Does the average heterosexual really think there are no young gay people out there, I wonder?  I was young once, even if it is more long ago than I care to remember.

What do you think? You might even want to comment on the British Library site where both blogs are listed as part of a project to archive on-line material alongside the printed word? Is it worth archiving a poetry blog, especially one that encourages gay people world-wide to feel good about their sexuality and promotes Gay Awareness?

Go to: http://www.webarchive.org.uk/ukwa/advancedsearch

and carry out a URL (or title) search for:

http://aspectsofagaymanslifeinverse.blogspot.com/ (G-A-Y in the Subject Field)]#

http://rogertab.blogspot.com// (A Poet’s Blog)

Meanwhile...

Hopefully, readers who complain that I rely too heavily on rhyme and should write more blank verse will appreciate the form of today’s poem as well as its content.

If any of you use a datebook, you might also care to click on the link below; it will take you to Scars Publications (USA) who have published a number of my blank verse poems over a period of some 10 years. They tend to only publish blank verse so keep me on my toes and lure me away from rhyme now and then.

http://scars.tv/

Click on their Scars Publications 2012 Poetry Datebook and you will see what it's all about. They have accepted the poem below for inclusion; it will appear on the entry for World AIDS Day, Dec 1st 2012. (I deliberately did not make it a gay-interest poem. It is high time people stopped thinking of HIV-AIDS as The Gay Plague!!)

OVERHEARD ON A TRAIN:

WOMAN: It takes a real man to be sexually responsible.

MAN: It takes a real woman to insist a man is sexually responsible.

ME (thinks): It takes real maturity to say ‘no’ to unprotected sex.

Oh, yes, and it takes a clear-headed person to take sexual responsibility on board so let’s not get so drunk or high we lose the plot, okay?

Now, regular readers will know I am passionate about DAMSET, an HIV-AIDS Educational Trust based in the seaside town of Bournemouth that has set a wonderful example to the rest of the world by creating a memorial mural to all those - gay and straight - who have died of AIDS across Dorset. I was unable to attend the inauguration last December, appropriately on World AIDS Day, but feel very privileged that a poem I wrote for the project has been included in the mural. [I included in my reading on the 4th plinth in Trafalgar Square in July 2009; see link at the top of this page.]

Visitors to Bournemouth for years to come will be able to see the mural for themselves near the pier entrance. It is a wonderful way to remember people and also promote Gay Awareness as well as sexual responsibility.

For more information about DAMSET see: http://damset.co.uk/

Straight or gay, many people (especially young people) seem to think HIV-AIDS is little more than a scare story and does not concern them...until it becomes the story of their life.

Have fun but...be careful out there, yeah? Play safe. Otherwise you not only risk catching the virus yourself but giving it to others. Either way, it’s plain irresponsible.

CARRIERS

I should have had the test,
never thought it could happen
to couples like us

Now we have to tell people
(who’ll think the worst of me)
we are HIV positive

I’m just an Ordinary Joe,
struggling to pay off a mortgage
and still have a life;
I love to party (who doesn’t?)
and, yes, there were a few times
I dropped my guard,
forgot low risk doesn’t mean
there’s no risk...

I even thought it was macho
to shrug off those scare stories
we all hear about

Drugs may control the virus,
but it’s down to me we’ll carry it
to our (early?) graves

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2011

[Note: This poem first appeared in print in Scars Poetry Date Book, Scars Publications (US) 2012 and in my collection, Tracking the Torchbearer by R N Taber, Assembly Books later the same year.]

A Timely Review

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

So much for the well-laid plans of mice and men! Much as I love writing up the blogs, I am taking a break for a few months while I get on with other things, not least because my treatment for prostate cancer makes me feel so tired that it takes me twice as long as usual to get anything done. However, I always planned to drop by from time to time, just not as often. However, I cannot and will not ignore readers who are having a bad time.

Today’s poem hasn’t appeared on the blog since last summer. It is repeated today especially for Nick ‘a 16 year-old living in Canterbury’ who feels 'very isolated ' [as] ‘Canterbury is just so gay-unfriendly.’ [Whatever happened to the gay bar that opened there recently, I wonder?]

It is 40+ years since I was a student at the University of Kent in Canterbury (graduated in 1973), but I still have friends there and will always keep a very special place in my heart for this beautiful old city. I still recall my student years more than a little wistfully. Oh, to put the clock back!

I have to say, it is unusual to find a student city or town that is not gay-friendly, but I know where this young man is coming from as I visit Canterbury fairly often . Moreover, I was born in Kent (Medway) and find the whole county little more gay-friendly now than I did when I was a schoolboy and young man all those years ago. There are parts of Kent that well deserve its name as ‘The Garden of England’ but beauty is only skin deep where some places as well as some people are concerned.

As I have said on the blog many times, young gay people would feel less alienated or threatened if more schools were to discuss gay issues openly and intelligently instead of sweeping them under the proverbial carpet. Until they do, gay boys and girls will go through twice the teenage anxt as others, and homophobia will continue to raise its ugly head more often than not.

Nick might consider contacting the LGBT Society at the University if he has not already done so. It doesn’t (or shouldn’t) matter that he isn’t a student there and it might help to discuss his sexuality with other gay people; ‘keyword ‘University Kent Canterbury LGBT’ for a contact email.

He might also care to explore a site created by two delightful guys working hard at improving the climate for gay people in the Canterbury area and across East Kent; it is well worth a visit anyway, and I'm sure other readers will enjoy exploring it too:

http://www.prideincanterbury.org.uk/

This poem is a villanelle. [To another reader who says he or she loves my villanelles but finds it 'very irritating' that I rarely end stanzas in my poems with a period (full stop). Sorry, about that, but it isn't grammatical laziness. I'm simply not a full stop kind of person, and feel they interrupt a poem's flow. My critics will, of course disagree. (Do I care?)]

A TIMELY REVIEW

Come, gay pilgrims to a 21st century
reassessing tablets of stone,
reviewing a saint’s take on Canterbury

To Augustine’s brief for Christianity,
negotiating layers of translation,
come gay pilgrims to a 21st century

Resisting intimidation by modernity,
the poetry of its past an inspiration
reviewing a saint’s take on Canterbury

Acknowledging a martyr-like quality
empathising with religion,
come gay pilgrims to a 21st century

Among ruins, an enduring spirituality
embracing gay men and women
reviewing a saint’s take on Canterbury

As cathedral gargoyles mimic a bigotry
its hymn to glory would disown,
come gay pilgrims to a 21st century
reviewing a saint's take on Canterbury

[From: On the Battlefields of Love by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2010.]

Encounter in a Rose Garden

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

A new poem for the May 1st, but probably won’t be back until after my 2nd of three hormone implants (to shrink the prostate in preparation for a course of radiotherapy) in 10 days time. I feel fine, by the way.

Now, I have never liked being told what to do for no other reason than someone else thinks I should do things their way. I hate it when people tell me I must be sick or unnatural because I am gay, but can be ‘cured’ so long as I do as they say. The cheek of it! Only a fundamentalist egocentric of the religious or political kind would openly express such arrogance; the last people on Earth I would wish to emulate in any way shape or form. As for my sexuality, they may object to what I do in bed, but that is a private matter between me and whoever chooses to share it, no one else. We are always hearing about the individual’s right to privacy, not least because the world’s media choose to ignore it. Well, gay people have rights to privacy too.

Yes, I am sick, but because I have prostate cancer, not because I am gay. As for being unnatural, we are as we are born and there is nothing unnatural about that. It is high time those who continue to condemn gay people shut up, joined the 21st century, and got a life. Me, I have a life, and for all its ups and downs, it is one I hold dear. As I have said many times, we are not a race of clones (yet) and people should respect each other’s differences, not fight over them or claim superiority because they happen to think they are in the right so others who think differently must be in the wrong.

By all means, let’s debate, argue, and listen. Who knows? We might learn something. There is no place for didacticism in the modern world. (Certain world leaders, of a religious and/ or political nature, please take note!)

Some readers have expressed the view that I am too defensive about my sexuality. I don’t mean to be, not least because there is nothing to defend. I can see where a western gay person might be coming from, but they have to remember that the blog is read world-wide, including places where same sex relationships remain a criminal offence, punishable by a long spell in prison or even death. Besides, I want a gay men and women everywhere to feel GOOD about their sexual identity; it isn’t easy when you live in a gay-unfriendly environment. I grew up in one and it almost crushed me. Even in so-called ‘liberal’ western society, there are plenty who fail to grasp that our sexual identity, while important to us gay men and women, is all but irrelevant to society and our capacity for making a positive contribution to it.

Homophobia expresses itself in a variety of ways and I often meet and hear from gay people who feel all but crushed by it, as I was 50+ years ago.

Yes, yes, I know you’ve heard me say it all before. But as my dear late mother used to say, if something is worth saying it is worth repeating.

[Note: The quotation in stanza 7 below refers of course to William Blake’s poem The Sick Rose. I try to avoid obscure literary references in my poems, but this one is so well-known, I couldn’t resist. Even so, some readers will be unfamiliar with Blake who, among all the poets I have read, is probably the one who has influenced me the most in terms of philosophy and poetry.]

ENCOUNTER IN A ROSE GARDEN

‘Come, let me cure you,’
said a man in a long robe down
to his ankles

‘Come, be a better person,’
said the man with an air of quiet
desperation

'Let me show you how peace
and love can transcend any sexual
identity found wanting.’

‘Go away, and let me be,’
I told the man in a long robe down
to his ankles

‘Go, and be a better person
for discovering that humanity turns
on mutual respect.’

‘I am as nature birthed me,
and who are you (or I) to challenge
centuries of the same?’

‘O, rose, thou art sick!’
cited the cleric in a long robe down
to his ankles

He left, a vision of despair,
as I walked with my same sex lover
into a glorious summer

Copyright R N. Taber 2011