Homing in on Moon Craters (Day or Night)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Now and then, readers of one or other (even both) my poetry blogs  - all ages, both sexes, gay and straight - email to say they are in London or coming to London and would like to meet up for a chat (about anything and everything) over a few drinks or a meal. I always enjoy these catch-ups, have met some very interesting people and keep in touch if only by email. So feel free to contact me any time, even if a meet-up is never likely to be on the cards. While I don’t allow comments on the blogs, I will always reply to emails; a lively exchange of views and opinions is always fun.

My mother used to say that if something was worth saying, it was worth repeating. So, yes, I often comment on the blog how sad it is but true that many gay people still find it hard to be openly gay, more often than not because they happen to live in a gay-unfriendly home and/or school and/or work environment.  We may well be attracted to the same sex, but whether or we do anything about it can be the toughest decision some of us make in course of our entire lives. There are always consequences, of course, good and less good. We need to consider likely scenarios and ask ourselves how or if we are up for handling these. Doubts will persist until a decision is taken, but is a half-life of keeping up appearances a workable alternative?

In some countries, of course, gay relationships remain a criminal offence punishable by prison or even death.  Gay people have little choice but a closeted sexual existence in which case, better the human self in a closet than a cage…or worse. Even so, it is possible to be true to the self while paying lip service to everyday survival tactics.  I discovered that for myself as a youth and young man. It is stressful, yes, but sometimes necessary; those of us who can be freely, openly gay need to remind ourselves of that sometimes.

As regular readers will be only too aware, I was in and out of the closet for years before finally leaving it as an openly gay man in my late 30's. To this day, I am l haunted by those long-ago closet days. We should never presume to judge or condemn someone for NOT coming out, for whatever reason; it is a very personal choice.

Instinctively, during a crisis of self-awareness, we feel in dire need of a comfort zone, putting inner chaos in perspective with someone whom those same primeval instincts tell us is wrestling much the same crisis of  self-esteem, self-consciousness and, yes, sexuality.

Oh, but there is something particularly intoxicating about discarding inhibitions, giving sexuality (or imagination) its head with someone special among moon crater, as visible in sunshine as on a clear, starry, night … if we choose to look, and see.

HOMING IN ON MOON CRATERS (DAY OR NIGHT)

Moonlight at the window

like pale lips on a wine glass,

sipping without tasting,

teasing,  pleasing, as if enjoying

good company…

A tinkling laughter of wind bells
floating through

a half-cocked ear encouragingly,
no hint of mockery 

What are you thinking?

Are you wondering, could I be gay

and (if so) what to do,

come over and chat…or what?

Here we are, wallflowers

at some charity ‘do’ wrestling

an intimacy and affinity
with nature for a complete stranger,
no mere passer-by

Oh, but light music enough

to stir a body to mimic spring flowers

in parks and gardens

swaying in a breeze, sending out

mixed messages
hard to read through the misting-up
of one beer glass
after another, hoping (finally) to be rid
of a closet sexuality

Alas, chased by a cacophony

of muffled sounds, making an escape

through French windows;

a mercy, could well have been

so embarrassing…

Better like this, on the edge of time

and personal space,
making-believe I'm in a better place,
no matter the loneliness

Safer, more anonymous

than ever here, outside everything

and (almost) everyone,

no copycat reflections demanding

I circulate, chat, or opt out,

although of what, exactly, unable

to (quite) articulate,

as aware of your presence behind me,

an opening of swing doors

Earth Mother, killing doubts
and fears, insisting no time for tears,
(get my act together)
deafening all mind-body-spirit

with pin-drop silences

as together (if not quite together yet)

we go where passionate kisses

like garden scents invite us to make love

 among moon craters

Copyright R. N. Taber. 2004; 2015

[Note: An earlier version of this poem appears under the title 'A Feeling for Moon Craters' in The Third Eye by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2004.]