A Temporary Heaven OR Love-Hate, Hobson's Choice

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Today’s poem first appeared here in 2017 and has since been substantially revised; it is but one of a number of poems that I am posting on either or both blogs that are no longer accessible in the archives. [Archives are available on the right hand side of any blog page.]

It can (and does) happen to anyone, gay or straight, male or female, young and old alike; we fall in love and, in return, are offered an ‘open’ relationship, no strings. It all sounds very ‘modern’ and we convince ourselves we are OK with the arrangement rather than reject it (and be rejected, in turn) for the raw deal it so often can be, especially where ‘open’ gives the green light to one party to look elsewhere.

 I know people who have spent the greater part of their lives persuading themselves that any deal is better than no deal, any arrangement better than none, all the one-sided sacrifices worth every heartbeat; it happened to me once. At the time I was feeling lonely, unloved and could see no light at the end of a long tunnel. I savoured every moment we spent together closing my mind to those aspects of his life in which I was never invited to play a part. I convinced myself I was a martyr to love, and almost enjoyed the role.

Ah, but only almost …

Few people knew about us, such was the nature of our relationship. One day, I confided in a friend who told me I was a fool to dance to his tune. I protested, insisting love was a tune to which only a fool would not dance. “On your own?” he asked, incredulous. “Sometimes, yes, but all the time…?

I knew he was right, of course, but it was a good while before I would admit it to myself, thereby freeing my tearful heart from such self-imposed shackles as I had been fooling myself were pretty ribbons around a box of delights I could not nor should not resist. On opening the box, though, I had seen only what I wanted to see, failing to get to grips with the psychology of wishful thinking.

Like most learning curves, it was a bumpy ride but, yes, worth every heartbeat just to get my life back. 

A TEMPORARY HEAVEN or LOVE-HATE, HOBSON'S CHOICE

As someone obsessed with public perception,

your body could only (ever) offer a temporary haven,

no strings attached, warning me from at the start

never to fall in love with you for love is only for fools

(you said)

You warned me at the start about falling in love

its course only ever likely to run true but in dreams,
and we 'worldly' types have (far) more sense 
than to let ourselves be carried away by such fantasies
of mind-body-spirit

Gladly I would let your incredible body take mine

in the hope you would (eventually) learn to love me,

despairing as each frantic, mindless, orgasm

ripping into us, much like s classic double-edged sword

we call honesty

My lover, no less indifferent to true love’s needs

than any folly of delusion on which its loneliness feeds,

remained true to his word, watched me fall apart,

sensing neither need nor responsibility (or should he?)

for my heart

Not before time, I walked away of my own free will,

much as I had been complicit in making of love’s heaven,

a living hell, years of mixed feelings ahead of me;

Yet, whatever hindsight might demand I do, a part of me 

goes on loving you

Copyright R. N. Taber 2007, 2020

[Note: An earlier version of this poem appeared on the blog in 2007] RNT

Winter Warmers

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It is only human nature to be curious. From time to time, people have asked me (usually in good faith) what it’s like to be gay. They might as well have asked what it’s like to be a human being.  It is our differences, after all, that make us human.

These days, the same people are more likely to ask what it’s like to be growing old! (I was 68 yesterday, the winter solstice.)

Now, some people warn against looking back and insist we should only look forward. I see where they are coming from, but as I get older, I take great pleasure in mulling over happy times. Moreover, I come through the experience feeling more ready, willing and able to take on whatever the future may have in store, including death.  No, I am not being morbid. Death is as much a part of life as life itself so where’s the harm in thinking about it sometimes? Thinking about issues can lend them a degree of familiarity in the mind’s eye; the more familiar we are with them, the less afraid we become.

I have had my fair share of ups and downs in life and had to cope with regular bouts of depression since early childhood. Even so, in the sense that I don’t have the HIV-AIDS virus, I have led a charmed life!  

While relatively few of my gay-interest poems are strictly autobiographical, there is a lot of ‘me’ in all of them as I try to recapture something of that charmed life and pass it on for others to enjoy.

  

COMFORT AND JOY

The hair is greyer

than yesterday;

one more furrow

on the brow;

sight a shade less clear

than it used to be;

hearing, yes, definitely

getting worse…

What now?

A kind heart beats

as yesterday;

no fewer dreams

to inspire…

still time enough to learn

from life’s ups

and downs, good to chat

with old friends…

By the fire

Counting blessings

in the flames;

seeing (oh, so, clearly)

my flaws, mistakes,

but at peace with myself,

and my sexuality,  

mortality, too, since even

at my worst…

I did my best

Copyright R. N. Taber 2002; 2011

[Note: This poem has been slightly but significantly revised from an earlier version that first appeared in an anthology, Mind Games, Poetry Today (Forward Press) 2001 and subsequently in  First Person Plural by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2002.]

Time, Trickster

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Although some 600+ of my poems have appeared in various poetry publications since 1993 (excluding any that have only appeared in my collections) very few of these have been on a gay theme. Today’s poem is one of the few; it first appeared in Poetic Designs, Poetry Now (Forward Press) 2004 and in final volume of my Love and Human Remains quartet the following year.

I suspect most if not all of us keep at least a few regrets close to the heart...

 TIME, TRICKSTER

We walked by the sea

my true love and I…

dreaming, longing to be

as free as doves in the sky
above us

It had been a lovely day,

but twilight had fallen,

certain to take you away,

no help for it, odds stacked
against us

Though years fly past

like those doves,

ours remains the dream

I keep closest, and watching
over us

Never a good time then

for two gay men...

Copyright R. N. Taber 2005; 2013

[Note: An earlier version of this poem appears under the title 'Too Soon, Too Late' in A Feeling for the Quickness of Time by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2005.]

Where Now ...? OR Anatomy of a Sunset

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We all make mistakes or wish we had done things differently as we go through life. We can but move on, and try not to make the same mistakes again although some will inevitably return to haunt us from time to time.

In my experience, few sights compare with a beautiful sunset for stirring up regrets for time passing, time lost, and our own shortcomings…

WHERE NOW …? or ANATOMY OF A SUNSET

Where do you go after sunset

(alone or with someone)

since that last time we met?

My heart’s asking, can’t forget

though we’re long gone...

Where do you go after sunset?

For me, alone, you came out,

and have you kissed anyone

since that last time we met..?

This lonely heart aches for it,

your body against mine…

Where do you go after sunset?

Once, time short if bitter-sweet;

ever after, no comparison

since that last time we met

Forsworn, the politics of regret

for putting love on the line…

Where do you go after sunset

since that last time we met?

Copyright R. N. Taber 2004; 2013

[Note: An earlier version of this poem appears under the title .Where Now?' in The Third Eye by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2004.]

Sometimes

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Although I have been openly gay for many years, people still ask me if I am happy and if I have any regrets about being gay and therefore ‘deprived’ of a ‘normal’ life!

Well, I certainly don’t feel deprived, and what on earth is ‘normal’ anyway? Like most adjectives in any language, everyone one has their own take on it.

As for regrets and being happy...Well, yes, occasionally I wonder how my life might have been had I been born one of the heterosexual community’s own and let it dictate how I should live my life...but not often. 

Am I happy? Yes, I am happy in my own way although I dare say I’d have been a lot happier if there had been more ups and less downs throughout my life.  Yet, I suspect many if not most of us can say the much same regardless of colour, creed, sex or sexuality...

True, I miss having my love to keep me warm, but I have some dear friends, my poetry and nature to sustain me, and it is more than enough to keep me as happy as I suppose any of us can expect to be given the state of the world we live in.

SOMETIMES

Sometimes I regret being gay,

take long walks in the rain…

pausing now and then to ponder

puddles, wonder why I envy

the conventional person living

a conventional life in a two up,

two down, plagued by in-laws,

wife and 2.5 children

Sometimes I regret being gay,

take long walks by the canal…

pausing now and then to watch

geese flying high and free, just

as I yearn to be but feel trapped

in a cage where society would

have me stay though it dare not

give public voice to the thought

or risk being taken to court

Sometimes I regret being gay

take long walks on the heath…

pausing now and then to chat

with this and that person (some

gay, some not) about the weather,

global warming, War on Terror,

so much poverty in the world,

and how we should be glad - for

a fine day and the way we are

Sometimes, being gay is a burden

till, with you, I lay my body down

[From: Accomplices to Illusion by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2007]

Getting it Right

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Regular readers will know that I am getting on a bit now (born 1945) and having to deal with the slings and arrows f old age.

When I was a teenager and much younger man, gay relationships were illegal here in the UK (until 1967). By the time being gay was no longer a criminal offence, I felt as though I had been locked in a dark closet, afraid to come out except in known cruising areas where gay men and boys would meet up and usually have sex. I had been told so many lies about homosexuality; that it is a cardinal sin, a shameful condition, whatever...

Eventually, I became so claustrophobic in that damn closet, I came out and stayed out. Yet, I recall those awful years as vividly as if it were but yesterday.

I don’t think it does any harm to remind ourselves just how awful being in the closet can be. It also helps reassure those who are still there that we have all survived the same traumatic experience; traumatic, that is, to a greater or lesser degree depending on whether or not we have gay-friendly family and friends.

In latter years, more of us than ever before have reached within ourselves for the self-confidence and self-esteem that encourages a gay person to tell the world he or she is gay. I’m sure I speak for most if not all of us by confirming we are better and happier people for taking that first step. Sadly, it remains a step too far for some people and we still have a long way to go before all gay people can take their rightful place in all societies world-wide. Yet (corny as it may sound) there really is a life to be had outside the closet, light at the end of even the longest tunnel. We have but to follow it. The journey will be different for each and every one of us, tougher for some, easier for others. Yes, we have a choice as to whether we make the journey or not, but at heart we also know what that choice needs to be; it remains, however, a choice only we, as individuals, can make, and no one has the right to force our hand.

Life balance is about getting it right, and we can but follow our natural instincts, not someone else's who think they know us better than we know ourselves. We may not get it right in their eyes, but it's our life, and we only get one chance to sow and reap its harvest; we won't get it right all the time (and there are plenty who will say "I told you so.") but we can get it right most of the time if we put our minds to it. Yes, homophobia is alive and kicking in some countries, homes and communities around the world, but as a young gay Muslim put it to me only recently. "Better a closet lover than no lover at all, right?" Right.

This poem is a villanelle.

GETTING IT RIGHT

Love found me long ago,
told me I’m gay;
(I did not want to know.)

This heart, it ached so
at each new day;
love found me long ago

Within, but a candle’s glow
kept sexuality at bay;
(I did not want to know.)

Time, so quick, so slow,
nor words to say,
love found me long ago

Deaf, dumb, blind I’d go,
maybe outed one day?.
(I did not want to know.)

Now, for you, glad to show
the world I’m gay;
Love found me long ago;
(I did not want to know.)

Copyright R. N. Taber 2007