Home for Christmas

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

I am not a Christmassy person, but no spoilsport either and will always wish everyone a very Happy Christmas/ New Year, and mean it. 

As an agnostic,, I don't celebrate Christmas in any religious sense. As a poet with a strong sense of spirituality - that I take from nature - I enjoy taking stock of my life at this time of year, counting my blessings and glossing over numerous flaws in the status quo.

On Christmas Day, I like to be on my own (yes, really!) strolling down Memory Lane and re-living the GOOD times while allowing myself time to be sad for the bad times. I like to remember those I have loved and lost, again dwelling on happy times together while not attempting to stem any tears.

If I spend Christmas with anyone, I feel obliged to make an effort rather than quietly surrender to any feelings of sadness and let them pass of their own accord.  I am not a sad person. On the contrary, I am a very positive thinking, lively guy. No one, though, can be positive thinking and lively all the time so when I feel sad, I let myself BE sad, and the sadness quickly passes, invariably replaced by happy memories to which the positive thinking, lively, part of me can more easily relate and build upon. Christmas brings many sad memories rushing back; I need to let them rush past me so I can enjoy the many happy memories I have shared with those I may have loved and lost but who sustain me still. 

We hear about families and friends getting back together for Christmas...but poles apart again by New year's Day. Let us never forget that love is not (and never has been) just for Christmas or any other religious festival where it needs to make an appearance. Any love worth having is worth saving, even if that means having to agree to differ with loved ones and accepting that our differences don't make us different, just human...

New Year? Well that's a different story altogether, celebrating a whole twelve months ahead to enjoy with friends and rediscover the true meanings of peace, love, and joie de vivre...

HOME FOR CHRISTMAS 

I’d hear talk of Christmas,
and my heart would sink for memories
of so many lonely Christmases
since love walked out of my life and family
never understood

I’d hear carols at Christmas,
and my heart would skip a beat or two
for recalling happy Christmases
when love took centre-stage in my life,
nothing else mattered

Friends planning for Christmas,
with smiles on their faces for all the fun
of such joyous Christmases
as once I had, and never (quite) abandoned
by fate, chance, love…

Christmas Eve, everyone rushing
for last minute buys, and then back home,
ever hopeful of Christmas
fulfilling its promises of peace and goodwill
around a festive table

Me, I hear talk of Christmas,
and my heart leaps  just for remembering
our conspiring with Christmas,
we total strangers, one starry Christmas Eve
of rediscovering love

Copyright R. N. Taber 2015

Shaping up for Life

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Many years ago, I confided in someone that I was gay but was scared of the consequences if I came out to family and friends. He simply commented, “Yes, well, just remember that body, mind and spirit only ever need to justify themselves to each other, no one else.’ I suspect that’s as good a benchmark for contentment if not happiness as I will find anywhere.

At the time, I thought it was a rather selfish approach to life. Looking back, however, (I will be 70 on the winter solstice) I can see only too clearly that it’s only during the relatively few times in my life when I have been really happy that mind, body and spirit have achieved the greater harmony.  While I am not unhappy now, I live alone and don’t have a partner, without whom any life-harmony is only ever likely to be a halfhearted affair. Life, though, is all about making the best rather then the worst of things and I think I do a pretty good job of that.

Now, anyone can (and will) judge us as and when they like, but no one but the self knows how far (or not) it achieves harmony between body, mind and spirit. We are the best judges of that, no one else, just as where there is discord…we need to at least try and do something about it.  For example, while I am not a religious person, the suggestion that ‘Blessed are the peace makers’ has a lot going for it.

Above all, life is about developing and building on a native, all-embracing capacity for love, in all its shapes and forms - as far as we are able  and others will let us) -  and that goes for each and every one of us, whatever our sex, sexuality, race, religion and, yes, age too.

SHAPING UP FOR LIFE

Scared of who I am,
trapped in conventions that birthed me,
locked in the mind of a child
competing with siblings and peers for love
I would keep, oh, so close…
(so much a part of me, no desire to lose)
yet, compelled to choose

Scared of who I am,
fretting over wet dreams and fantasies
born of a growing sexuality
suggesting (confirming) much I’d been told
regarding human relationships
since knee high…a lie…created to taunt me
about me sexual identity

Scared of who I was
until we met in a bar one wintry night,
and as we talked, grew closer,
till in the thick of everyday conversation
I felt the throbbing pulse
of mutual attraction coursing my body,
mind-talk consuming me

Scared of who I was,
until he touched my hand reassuringly
as if to calm my frantic spirit
with piano fingers taking me through
a haunting symphony,
flooding emptiness left by unspoken fears,
and drying unshed tears

Unashamed of being gay,
those other parts comprising my whole,
ganging up on me for centuries,
hating me, despising me, rejecting me,
leaving me confused, scared…
finally accepting of this only-human need
to share his bed 

Copyright R. N. Taber 2015

Breaking Out OR G-A-Y, Standing Up for Sexuality

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

A homophobic neighbour once snarled at me, ‘I hope all you gays get your just deserts.’

I hope so too … and may it include the freedom to fall in love and be loved in return by the person of our choice just as nature intended - for us all, whatever our ethnicity, sexuality, religion or, yes, age too.

BREAKING OUT or G-A-Y,  STANDING UP FOR SEXUALITY

Shedding shackles that bind,

leaving fear and suspicion behind,

getting the life we deserve, born free

to fall in love ...

Coming but into our identity,

nature’s gift of life and sexuality,

deaf to threats of those world cultures

clinging to its scriptures

Refuting legends of Creation

denying us any hope of salvation

for fearlessly and, oh, so passionately

embracing our sexuality

Taking on biased critics

misinterpreting the hieroglyphics

supposedly expressed in ancient theses

on living nemeses

Mending fences torn apart,

reclaiming territories of the heart

under attack by a (so) bigoted morality

sponsored by Society

Making a stand for humanity

against those calling for ‘propriety’

based on some so-called  ‘moral’ stance

that we cause offence

Shedding shackles that bind,

leaving fear and suspicion behind,

getting the life we deserve, born free

to fall in love …

Copyright R. N. Taber 2009

Winter Wonderland

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

.We should never underestimate the lasting power of true friendship. Yes, some so-called friends are shallow and easily offended, especially when they are nursing a hurt ego, while others may well need time to understand that a hurt ego needs nursing back to health, and not left to fester. (Yes, I know I have said much the same thing many times on my blogs, but, something worth saying is always worth repeating.)

It can come as a shock to some family members and friends when a gay man or woman flings open his or her dark closet and lets in the sunlight. Sunlight can be blinding sometimes.

Years ago, when I was just a boy at school, a teacher asked why I had fallen out with my best friend. I can’t remember over what we had argued, but I do recall it was something that seemed important at the time, but with hindsight was trivial. The teacher made a comment I have never forgotten, to the effect that a friendship worth having is always worth saving, whatever it takes.

Over the years, I have fallen out with lots of people for various reasons (as most if not all of us do) and I always ask myself this question, does it really matter?  Sometimes, the answer is an unequivocal ‘yes’ in which case I will always do my best to patch things up with that person.  Where the friendship is strong, I always succeed, and if it means swallowing a little pride, it has always been worth it.

I guess there is nothing like falling out with someone to make us realise whether or not we really want that person in our life. If we do, we just have to hope they feel the same way, and wherever the friendship runs true, an olive branch will (nearly) always do the trick. Someone, though, has to make the first move...

WINTER WONDERLAND

The first snow of winter falling,
as I walked in woods alone,
I heard a familiar voice calling,
asking where I had gone

I'd seen nothing of you for ages,
since we’d argued one day
over filling time’s blank pages
with graffiti for my being gay

Suddenly, I heard a robin making
the case for your defence, 
our friendship up for the saving,
no matter what odds against

You said I should have been open
about my being gay;
I'd raged, hurt by your reaction,
ignoring all you had to say  

Calmer as the snow began settling,
(my feet, minds of their own)
I faced demons I’d been wrestling,
resolved to put them down

At your front door, I rang the bell,
wondering if you’d answer;
when you did, a big hug said it all,
the best of friends forever

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2015

Open to Question

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Hi everyone. Hope you like today’s poem. Some blog readers contact me via the comments button, but I do not post comments, good or bad. Please include an email address if you want me to reply. (I love to hear from blog readers worldwide.)

Body language says it all...but is easily misunderstood, too, so you have to get it right .

Oh, but who has not been there, sitting at a bar, cafe, wherever... alone, glancing around...wishing and hoping ..? 

OPEN TO QUESTION

He looked at me, smiled,

made my day,

and I could only wonder.

is he gay...?

He was with a friend

chatting away,

and I could only wonder,

is he gay...?

I smiled back uncertainly,

wistfully, shy;

was it just a friendly smile

or…why?

He did not look at me again,

my fantasy guy,

leaving me to but wonder,

can a smile lie?

They left, these two friends

I ordered  a beer,

thinking how life is a bitch,

my way unclear…

Man with the Smile returned

on his own,

grabbed a bar stool by mine,

tossed me a grin

The way his eyes engaged me,

made my day,

and I did not have to wonder,

is he gay...?

Copyright R. N. Taber 2015

Destination, Now-or-Never

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

More than one person I know (gay, straight, male and female) has confessed to wet dreams about a stranger they have seen on a train time and again, but to whom they have never found the nerve say a word…

'With love and patience, nothing is impossible.' - Daisaku Ikeda

DESTINATION, NOW-OR-NEVER

We’d catch the same train

to work, and (more often than not)

the same train home again,

alighting at the very same station,

and I didn’t dare say a word

lest my voice betray the extent

of my growing attraction

to his looks, smile, even the way

he would idly play

with his necktie while gazing out

at the world rushing by,

(unmoved by our leaving it behind)

a frantic desire in me 

that we share an impossible dream

of incredible intimacy

One wintry evening, snowing,

trains running late so we had to wait

on the station concourse,

eagerly watching out for signs of life

on the departure board,

and he stood by me, commenting

on the inability of trains

to run to schedule at the first hint

of weather like this,

and we chatted together like friends,

me, weak at the knees,

dreading the moment (all to soon)

making us strangers again,

and I would be left feeling even more

hopeless, helpless, alone 

Suddenly, he's suggesting

we might go for a coffee while waiting

for the running-late train,

and I can hardly believe my own ears

or manage a silly grin

before we're on our way, small talk

order of the day

but more than enough for me just to be

in his company, flying high

on his voice, his smile, everything

about him taking me 

where we dreamers fear being woken

at some reality check

throwing us into freefall for despairing

of love’s hurt garden

Over coffee, I continued to fly

on his every word, timbre of a voice

making my spine tingle

as I wondered if he was single, attached,

married, with a partner,

bi-curious, even gay, although no idea

how to ask so said nothing,

feeding on our small talk as a sparrow  

might on garden crumbs

after a heavy snowfall, wanting to live,

needing to survive,

mind-body-spirit on the same autopilot  

that would have us on the run

from scary unfamiliar circumstances  

outside our comfort zone 

We exchanged first names,

and a few (irrelevant) personal details

before an announcement

over the tannoy, our train arriving soon,

time to be on our way;

it was now or never, and I blurted out

how I liked him a lot,

hoped we might be friends, inviting him

to make himself at home

in that place beyond words and temporality 

where sexuality takes us,

plucking heart from sleeve, refusing

to (ever) let us go free

until we agree to keep it safe, nurture

through season after season

He suggested with a cheeky grin

that we start over, have another coffee, 

catch another train,

idly playing with his necktie, confiding

I was an unknown quantity

and he'd, oh, so wanted to know more, 

but mind-body-spirit 

had been too shy to ask for fear of breaking

the spell I had him under,

leading him to imagine us together

ultimately, intimately;

any last minute doubts abandoned me 

to a high, the more so 

for we two having ghosted such dreams

as we'd  thought impossible

Copyright R. N. Taber 2015; rev. 2020

What-a-Mess

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

A reader once emailed me to say he or she found it “disturbing if not offensive” that my poetry collections include poems on a gay theme.

What can I say? Our sexuality is only a part - albeit an integral one - of who we are. There is more to us all, gay or straight, than our sexulity. Do we ignore the rest? Of course not, yet I have noticed that once a straight person knows I am gay, many are inclined to look no further. 

We should take poems - like people - as we find them, surely? By all means, be critical…but not judgemental. We might even try to learn if not always take pleasure from them. Besides general and gay-interest poetry simply reflect different (but not separate) voices of the same genre; similarly, whatever our ethnicity, creed, sex or sexuality, we comprise the same human race. 

Well, don't we...?

WHAT-A-MESS

I’m gay, okay? That’s me,
so take it or leave it, love me,
make time for a chat (world
to rights, tit-for-tat) or let me be;
all in the same boat, none of us
the better, worse, wiser, less able 
than anyone else to explain
where common sense has gone
in respecting other points of view
since acknowledged human

I mean to say, society's a mess
without gay folks driving home
the point, must be something 
in who shouts the louder gets heard
the sooner (if not listened to)
no one else finding an ear, unless 
they so happen to be fighting 
some politically sensitive corner, 
given that all's fair in love and war
notwithstanding glaring errors

Better we do our own thing
and go our own ways, no matter
our 'betters' enjoy the benefit
of their field days, closing ranks
for doing their well-meaning
best or worst by whatever colour, 
creed, sexuality or our station
in life who would but stay true
to ourselves and each other if only
to keep body and soul together

Whatever anyone else may say
or do, 1+ 1 one will always make
the two of us, though a precious
humanity get it wrong, preferring
to do certain sums differently,
inclined to forget just how much 
diversity contributes to Society
except when needs must tap into
its voting power, take us all for fools
for believing it's got its sums right

Copyright R. N.Taber 2004; 2018

[Note: An earlier version of this poem was published under the title 'One to One' in The Third Eye by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2004]