http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber
Years
ago, when few people knew I am gay, a work colleague discovered this. He did
not threaten to ‘out’ me but warned me that homosexuality is a waste of a life
and I should bid the Devil farewell
before it was too late and saving my soul was no longer an option. His
sincerity both impressed and appalled me. Moreover, it inspired (or provoked?)
me to do just that…if not in the way he meant.
I finally
bid a devil in me farewell that had prevented me from acknowledging to the
world that I am gay. It suddenly struck me like a bolt of lightning what I had
always known but somehow failed to quite grasp. Since I had no cause to be
ashamed of the sexuality to which I was born, what did it matter what anyone
else thought?
Even now,
so many years later, I cannot believe I was so scared of people knowing I am
gay. I guess it is down to all those early years when homosexual relationships
were against the law here and, even worse, (or so I was told) an offence against
humanity.
Perhaps
if my family life hadn’t cowed me so, and I could not only have confided on
them but relied on their support, things might have been different, but none of
that matters now anyway. I did tell my mother in the end and she was
supportive, but not so much that she couldn’t resist asking me to keep it a
secret from family, friends, and neighbours.
Yes, I
have regrets (don’t we all have our share, gay or straight?) but none greater
than not having come out to everyone sooner than I did and saying farewell to
that cold, dark closet once and for all.
At least,
I was able to do this. In many countries, gay men and women still do not freedom of choice. Here’s a BIG hug for all of you.
This poem
is a villanelle.
THE
LONG FAREWELL
My
hell for years,
a
gay kiss dared dispel;
farewell,
my fears
A
face that leers,
curled
lip I know so well
(my
hell for years)
Self-hatred’s
tears
wiped
clean by its spell;
farewell,
my fears
Where
guilt reveres
each
wishing star that fell
(my
hell for years)
To
glory, love steers
over
bigotry’s ocean swell;
farewell,
my fears
Nature
engineers
light
where its darkness fell
(my
hell for years);
farewell
my fears
Copyright
R. N. Taber 2010
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