http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber
Many thanks to those readers who
have been in touch to say they are enjoying Dog
Roses and Blasphemy, gay
storylines serialised on my fiction blog. I hope to upload them as e-books
later this year or early next:
Meanwhile...
Looking back, I feel ashamed that
I was such a Jack-in-the-box for so long before coming out of the damn box once
and for all.
My only excuse is that it took a
long time to shrug of the shackles of criminality imposed on me throughout my
youth and in the early years of adulthood by a society that, in those days, saw
gay relationships as not only a criminal offence but also something lower than
anything the proverbial cat is ever likely to drag in... It is the 21st
century’s continuing tragedy that some people and some societies still do.
Never condemn a gay person for caving
in to socio-cultural-religious pressures and trying to go straight, but hope
for their sakes that they see sense and salvation sooner rather than later.
JACK-IN-THE-BOX
Once, I’d make up life as I went along
with Jack, my invisible friend;
He was always there for me, teasing
but never passing judgement;
Only Jack knew I was gay, a teenager
in love with the boy next door
whose mother thought fate meant me
for her daughter; cue for laughter
from Jack , no matter my shame for
going along with the farce, even
asking the daughter on a date because
her brother is her mate’s boyfriend
and we’d all hang out; I’d grab every
chance to be close to him, feel his
breath on me, a finger brushing mine,
getting higher on the sheer poetry
of his voice than any music, dancing
or wine
At his door, I’d kiss her briefly, ignoring
the pain in her eyes, her best friend
embracing my love nearby, lips meant
(surely?) for mine, a place in his life,
stealing my passion, usurping my dreams
and (worse) making them real while I
dare not reveal how I feel, Jack at my ear
saying less harm in lies than let truth
run its course, better play charades than
drop the mask, show a private face;
(Oh, to feel his heat and taste his kiss!)
She knew, of course, yet kept saying
she loved me and I fear she did, though
Jack knows I never said the words
she longed to hear nor let her passion
get the better of us, he at my ear
saying, no matter…wasn’t as if I didn’t
care for her at all
Youth long past, stumbling into maturity,
I finally told everyone I am gay;
Most people stood by me, gave me a hug,
said it didn’t matter, sexuality less
important than a sound mind, good heart
by far; most people, that is, except the guy
who used to be the boy next door;
But I don’t need him any more and Jack’s
gone too, nor is gay love a make-believe
dent on the pillow next to me, invisible lips
mouthing words of desire…for I am out
in the world, high on a love and friendship
restoring my integrity, replacing regret
for an unrequited youth with a self-respect
and honesty; the man I used to be, scared
of reality and behaving badly, finally ready
for a sexual identity demanding I accept
responsibility for it
[From: Accomplices To
Illusion by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2007]
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