Let (Gay) Love Dare Speak Its Name

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Update (June 27 2016): regulars readers will know that I do not subscribe to any religion. Even so, I ahve always said that religion and homosexuality should not be seen as mutually exclusive; where they are, it is religion that is found wanting. I am very encouraged, therefore, on behalf of gay Catholics worldwide, by Pope Francis' recent remarks.He said Christians owe apologies to gay people and others who have been offended or exploited by the church, remarks that some Catholics have hailed as a breakthrough in the church's tone toward homosexuality: "I repeat what the Catechism of the Catholic Church says: that they must not be discriminated against, that they must be respected and accompanied pastorally." - Pope Francis at a press conference aboard the papal plane returning from Armenia at the weekend.

Meanwhile...

Today's is essentially autobiographical. I had no idea he was a priest when I met him. It was like something out of that wonderful movie 'Priest' although neither of us can compare for looks or charisma with Linus Roache (who plays the priest in the movie) or Robert Carlyle (his lover). During the course of our relationship, I found myself considering the whole Catholic ethos and becoming increasingly disturbed by it.

My main objection to the Catholic Church had always been its condemnation of homosexuality and the use of condoms in a world that has to live with HIV-AIDS together with what I have always considered to be a conveniently customised attitude to ‘sin’. I had not given much thought to its priests themselves.

As far as I am concerned, there is nothing unnatural about homosexuality. Sexuality has to be in the genes. We are born this way, although what we do about it is down to us. Celibacy, on the other hand does strikes me as being unnatural. If Catholics feel they should follow Jesus Christ’s example, fair enough. But how do we know for sure that Jesus was celibate? Because the Bible makes no mention of it doesn’t mean He never had sex. After all, while He may or may not have been the Son of God, he lived on Earth as a man. Sex is, after all, a very private matter between two people. Besides, it has nothing whatever to do with His coming to tell the world about a kinder God than portrayed in the Old Testament and thus encourage a more compassionate, understanding relationship between individuals, races, tribes, communities, whatever…than, for the most part, humankind has ever felt inclined.

My priest lover left the Catholic Church. Yet he still thinks of himself as a man of God…and why shouldn’t he? He and his partner have lived happily together for some years now and while erstwhile Catholic colleagues might begrudge them their happiness I feel certain God doesn’t.

[Note: Regarding Catholicism, I feel successive popes have a lot to answer for, and am always wryly amused by the way in which my blogger colleague Edwin Black chooses to make his feeling son the subject known via his satirical blog: http://bardicblackspot.blogspot.com  His 'Temptations of the Flush' (also available as an e-book on Google Play) may be outrageous, but - as all satire intends - it is also very thought provoking.]

It is yet another tragedy of contemporaneity that - even in the so-called 'liberal thinking' West - LGBT folks are forced by home/ society environments to live out their lives in a closet, often without even a regular partner to make it bearable.

LET (GAY) LOVE DARE SPEAK ITS NAME

My love for a priest
dare never speak its name;
though he loved me too,
he’d hang his head in shame
when I’d plead (tearfully)
that he acknowledge me

My love for a priest
ran deep and true for years;
though he loved me too,
begged me never leave,
he was not a man to wear
his faith on his sleeve

My love for a priest
could not survive his guilt,
taught that his sexuality
sucks up to an immorality
his congregation so deplores
it slams shut its doors

My love for a priest
could not hope to compete
with a religion bent
on encouraging deceit,
suggesting our God bless
who would disown us

My love for a priest
could not survive the closet
his Church imposes
and I found someone new
to love and acknowledge me
as I needed to be

Our love did not revive
after he finally left his Church
to reassure gay folks
cast out, that God gives up
up on no one, will always wait
for us at Heaven's gate

If God is Love, we should dare
speak its name anywhere

Copyright R N Taber 2010, 2019

[Note: An earlier version of this poem appears under the title Let Love Dare Speak Its Name in On the Battlefields of Love by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2010]

Hindsight

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Long before I realised I am gay, I was very self-conscious of my failings on both home and school fronts. I wore horrible glasses for years, had a bad lisp that was not all but obliterated with speech therapy in my 20's and a hearing problem neither I nor anyone else understood until I was referred to a specialist, also in my 20's. Other kids would often make fun of me although I pretended to take it in my stride and with good humour. Once, it was all too much for me and a teacher found me sobbing in the cloakroom. 'I wish I wasn't so different from all the other kids,' I confided. 'Being different makes you vulnerable,' she said, 'Start believing in yourself, Roger. You'll see, others will soon catch on and start respecting you for it.' Sound advice, from the only female teacher in the whole school.

Here’s another poem from the archives, rediscovered in an old exercise book last year and slightly revised (where I couldn’t read my handwriting!) and gave it a title. It was written in 1982 as I was beginning to emerge from the other end of a severe nervous breakdown and probing my past for ways of exorcising certain ghosts that continued to haunt me.

I should add that my ghosts were (and still are) a mixed bag of downright vindictive, placidly benign, incredibly friendly and spiritually inspiring. Consequently, a crude but demonstrably effective self-assessment took place over many weeks as I undertook to sort the good from the bad.

Even in those days, I found no peace of mind in religion so turned to nature instead. I refer to God in a very loose sense, a synonym for rather than a source of spirituality. Some people would call me an agnostic or atheist, even a pagan, while I prefer to think of myself as a pantheist.

HINDSIGHT

I lay under a sycamore tree
sunshine cascading down on me
like a slide we used to play on
when we were just children;
it was by the sycamore tree,
sunshine cascading down on me,
you slid into my embrace,
childhood gone, youth in its place

I lay under the sycamore tree,
sunshine cascading down on me,
watching an angel take a turn
on the slide we’d made our own;
the angel whispered in my ear
home truths I didn’t want to hear,
told me time would pass me by
once life had me hooked on a lie

I lay under the sycamore tree,
sunshine cascading down on me,
conscience in as slippery a skin
as the slide we had finally chosen,
one long, lovely, secret summer
bringing us ever closer to each other,
into as sweet an intimacy sliding
as an angel sending God’s blessing

We took a decision that day
to tell the world we’re proud and gay,
vowed to run its gamut
(no matter who or where or what)
of societies not on our side,
where prejudice and history preside,
humanity in as slippery a skin
as the slide we’d finally forsaken

Yet, you reneged on that vow;
it was years on before I discovered how
to look society in the face
(fellow members of the human race)
while you married, had children,
chose a far more slippery slide to play on
than you’d shared with me
long ago under the sycamore tree

Ugly road signs now, the old tree cut down
where a roundabout leads in or out of town

Copyright R. N. Taber, 1982; 2010 (Rev. title 2017)

Head Over Heels

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

I was seventeen when I wrote today's poem. I only slightly revised it after rediscovering it on an old exercise book in 2010. It does not appear in any of my collections, but I plan to include it in a final collection - Diary of a Time Traveler - that I am already collating for publication in 2015 when I will hit 70. 

It was sheer hell having to keep my sexuality a secret (gay relationships were still illegal in the UK then) but I was having a great time discovering its potential for love and romance.

Never let anyone tell you a gay person can't do romance; the heterosexual majority has no monopoly on that any more than it has on love. 

Oh, yes, and half a century on, I am still a shameless romantic...so I was thrilled to discover only recently that there is a new Doris Day album called My Heart available on cd with songs from 1985/1986 that I had not heard before. Doris must have been in her sixties then, her voice as magical as ever. 

HEAD OVER HEELS 

Long before I even knew it,

I was in love with you

Long before I dared show it,

I was in love with you

I had tried closing mind-spirit

to feelings left by
wet dreams I dare not confess

for playing the fool,
haunted by the impossible,
but my body had other ideas,
and dreamed on

Once I understood

the true depth of my feelings,

I struggled to deny them,

put them out of heart and mind,

resume friendship’s ways

without love’s precious bane

burdening me so,

making believe I could break free

of love’s sweet slavery,

binding me to you more fiercely

with each passing day

even as I remained in denial 

that I am gay,

so binding were the ties

of childhood, carrying its lies 

into an adulthood, 

tearing itself apart for shame,

my heart refusing 

to acknowledge male bonding 

by any other name - until

a day came we lay down on a patch 

of grass in a friendly wood, 

sunshine bringing the trees alive

with a music and poetry 

of love awakening in me a desire 

I could ignore no longer

I leaned over, kissed you

and closed my eyes, waiting

for a rush of rage

(even blows) to show me
the sheer futility
of loving you, my being gay,
world as it is

Your touch when it came

was a long, gentle kiss

Love’s bliss, when it came,

no sweeter than for us

Copyright R. N. Taber 1963; 2010

The G-Word, where Opposing Ideologies Converge

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

As regular readers know, I have a strong sense of spirituality. I take it from nature. All the world religions - with the exception of Buddhism, which I see more as a philosophy than a religion - are far too divisive and hypocritical for my liking. Even so, I can respect other people’s points of view, including their perspective on religion. So why can’t more of those people respect mine?

By the way, my rejection of religion has nothing to do with my being gay. I made up my mind about religion as a boy, long before my teenage years and learning to accept that I am gay. Just as well, eh? Few if any religions would have welcomed me with open arms unless I was prepared to tow their particular line. Nature, on the other hand, makes no such demands and embraces us unconditionally…much as one would expect of God, yeah? [Thankfully, many religious-minded people do just that, putting compassion, understanding and respect for other people’s views and ways of life before the dogma, ritual and politics of religion. It has been my experience that various leaders - at various levels in various religious hierarchies – could learn a lot from them.]

This poem is a villanelle.

THE G-WORD, WHERE OPPOSING IDEOLOGIES CONVERGE

Whatever ‘God’ means to you or me,
within or without religion’s walls,
no time or space there for bigotry

Whatever it may be we call eternity,
it can but answer freedom’s calls
whatever ‘God’ means to you or me

Be sure our stand for sexual identity
find allies in any heaven’s halls;
no time or space there for bigotry

In this world, look where humanity
stumbles and falls…
whatever ‘God‘ means to you or me

It’s love lets the human spirit go free
where religion’s engine stalls;
no time or space there for bigotry

Afraid of death we should never be,
against love’s light, it but palls;
whatever ‘God’ means to you or me,
no time or space there for bigotry

[From: On the Battlefields of Love by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2010)

Sex, Sense, and Sensibility

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

I have been asked again to post the link to my poetry reading on the 4th plinth in London's Trafalgar Square as my contribution to Sir Antony Gormley's One and Other 'live sculpture' project that ran for 24/4 over 2,400 hours during the summer of 2009; 2,400 people were randomly selected to do their 'own thing' for one hour, and the resulting web-stream was archived in the British Library: I read a selection of gay-interest and other poems. However, the British Library have since confirmed (Sept 2019) that the plinth reading in is no longer available as the video is incompatible with an updated IT system. However, I am assured that the video still exists, and B L hope to make it available to the public again one day. Fingers crossed, and watch this space.] RNT

http://www.webarchive.org.uk/wayback/archive/20100223121732/oneandother.co.uk/participants/Roger_T  

Meanwhile ...

Now, I am never didactic in my poetry. I simply offer food for thought. Today's poem is on a subject about which I feel very strongly.

I have talked to so many people - gay and straight alike - who are sexually active and not in a steady relationship (or are, but continue to cruise for sex elsewhere) yet are either complacent or even dismissive about safer sex. Some seem to think that a condom eliminates risk altogether. Well, condoms can leak and while there is low risk sex, there is no such thing as no-risk sex.

Now, I have always practised what encourage others to do. I am not sexually active these days but when I was younger, I’d always have an HIV-AIDS test if I’d had unprotected sex (or not) for whatever reason (often drunk) or with someone about whom I had any suspicions in the cold light of day. Why? Well, for two reasons. For a start, I wanted to know if I was clear for my own sake. (How can you take better care of your body if you are HIV+ and  don’t know it?) Just as important, I needed to know for the sake of anyone else with whom I had sex. They deserved a choice, surely? 

There is medication available now that means people can live for many years with the HIV+ virus; it is not the death sentence it used to be. Even so, there is no cure and we can but hope one will be found before too many years have passed and millions more people infected. In many people’s mind, though, there is still a stigma attached to being HIV+. It is high time they got real and accepted that HIV+ is with us to stay and anyone can catch it. At the same time, it is not easy to catch. Even so if a test proves positive, we simply have to live with it and reconsider our sexual behaviour. (It does not mean we need to give up on sex!) I’ve had sex with men who were HIV+ and remain clear, even after all these years. Once, a boyfriend woke me up in tears at about 3.00 am to tell me he had AIDS. I comforted him and, a few days later, went to have a test … to be sure I was okay even though I had used a condom.

Many people - especially young people, gay and straight alike - are far too complacent about sex. I guess, when we’re young, we think we will live forever and don’t think about growing old, let alone dying! But that’s no excuse for not making sure we remain in as good a shape as possible, not just for ourselves but for the sake of friends, loved ones, even our careers. As I said, HIV+ is not the death sentence it used to be. There is lots of support and counselling available for people who may panic and/or have no idea how to cope if told they are positive.

There are specialist centres available where friendly, trained, non-judgemental staff will do a test and tell you the results within half an hour or so. If the results are positive, they will provide information about sources of support, including HIV-AIDS support groups. The Internet, too, is a treasure house of information.

I should perhaps add that, only recently, I have met older men in my own age group who are promiscuous but take the view that it doesn’t matter if they become infected with the HIV virus at our age. How selfish and  ignorant can those people be, eh? 

SEX, SENSE, AND SENSIBILITY

Didn’t test to see if I was HIV positive,
I was scared,
then my lover asked me outright
and I lied …
thinking I wasn’t really lying, believed
I was okay
but the lie began to haunt me more
each night and day,
especially when in my arms he lay
his body in my trust

I should find out, I thought, I must
have a test,
I can’t go on pretending like this
even as we kiss
that there’s no virus in me I can pass on
(as if I would)
but I cannot answer for the unknown,
need to find out,
be worthy of his love and trust
or we’ll never last

Eventually, I had the test, it was negative,
I was relieved,
then I asked my lover outright
and he cried...
swore he hadn’t known when we first met
but discovered since,
too scared to tell me in case I got angry
(as I’d been he might reject me)
so what could I do but hold him near
plant kisses in his hair?

Yes, we’ve had the test, my love and me,
it set us free
from doubt and fear because, together,
we are strong,
can deal with whatever this life
dishes us…
beats treading on our dreams, left alone
and up against it;
above all its blessings, place trust
or love will fail the test

Copyright R N Taber 2010, rev..2020

[Note: This poem first appears under the title 'The Test' in On the Battlefields of Love by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2010]

A Dance to the Music of Time

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

This poem is another favourite of mine. Some younger people seem to think we older ones have nothing to look forward to as we get old(er) besides daytime TV. Well, let them think again…

This poem was last seen on the blog in 2008 and is repeated today especially for ‘Andy and Nick’ who are celebrating 45 years of living together culminating in a Civil Partnership last year. Apparently, today is the anniversary of the day they first met way back in 1965. Both are in their 70s now and, by all accounts can still give the young ones a run for their money.

Let’s all wish them well, yeah?

A DANCE TO THE MUSIC OF TIME

By a river, lost in admiration
for a pair of turtle-doves,
a ballet celebration of freedom
across blanket blue skies
though they risk being shot down;
bolder, even by traditions
among societies less inclined
to dispute genetics

Here-and-Now, tell-tale squeeze
of rheumy fingers,
pulse slowing but for doves
painting pictures
on twin canvases for tired bodies
taken by surprise,
inspired to stay ever positive,
and seize the day

Caught out, dancing to the music
of time, earth and sky
making space for us in the heat
of our revival, sunspots
like bright eyes winking approval
at gay lovers last seen
tripping the light fantastic
on the world stage

Copyright R. N. Taber 2004; 2018

[Note: An earlier version of this poems appears in The Third Eye by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2004.]

The Ballad Of Neighbour Joe or G-A-Y meets H-E-T

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

I have to say thank you to US reader ‘Jackson D’ who has bought a copy of my new poetry collection and emailed with some very positive comments about it. Encouragement is always well received! He asked why several poems, including this one, have never appeared on the blog. Well, actually they have, Jackson, back in 2008, but here is one again that I hope everyone will enjoy. [The other poem t Jackson liked is Whatever Happened To Love?  from an earlier collection, Accomplices to Illusion (2007) and I have posted it on my general blog today.]

Jackson, you see, reads both blogs. I shouldn’t have to write a blog especially for gay readers but there are still a lot of straight poetry lovers out there who would have no interest in reading a gay blog. The irony is that many Gay Awareness poems that I post here appear on the general blog at some time or another anyway…and only one reader has ever complained.

I have to say, too, that there are a lot of gay readers out there who only read my gay blog because it addresses gay people, not for just the poetry. Even so, it is very encouraging that most gay readers seem to enjoy the poems too!

Here we are in the 21st century, for crying out loud, and it really shouldn’t matter whether people are gay or straight. We are all part of a common humanity, after all.

Well, aren’t we?

THE BALLAD OF NEIGHBOUR JOE or G-A-Y MEETS H-E-T

I hate queers, neighbour Joe
once said to me, they’re perverts,
don’t you agree?
Not really, I had to say, especially
as I’m gay

He stared, glared, eyes wide
as saucers, lost for words although
his expression said it all;
at last, he managed to get a grip
and curled his lip

Queers deserve to be shot,
he snarled at me, and decent folks
would agree;
I took you for decent, I have to say
but you’re…gay?

I nodded, said conversationally,
so you’ll be getting a gun to shoot me?
He shook his head.
You’re a nice enough person, he said,
I don’t wish you dead

Tell me, he wanted to know,
what it’s all about, this being gay?
Sounds sick to me…
I was taught to loath and despise
(he whispered) ‘sodomy’ 

You have a bad attitude,
I felt inclined to tell him straight,
I’m a top man, me…
but it’s my job pays the mortgage,
not my sexuality

Why should what my partner
and I choose to get up to in bed
matter to you so?
He shook his head, rubbed his jaw,
finally admitted…

I’ll be damned if I know.
You’re right, said neighbour Joe,
it’s none of my business;
blame it on that old song and dance
called ignorance

We shook hands, went on our way,
good neighbours to this day

[From: On The Battlefields Of Love by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2010]