Getting it Right

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Regular readers will know that I am getting on a bit now (born 1945) and having to deal with the slings and arrows f old age.

When I was a teenager and much younger man, gay relationships were illegal here in the UK (until 1967). By the time being gay was no longer a criminal offence, I felt as though I had been locked in a dark closet, afraid to come out except in known cruising areas where gay men and boys would meet up and usually have sex. I had been told so many lies about homosexuality; that it is a cardinal sin, a shameful condition, whatever...

Eventually, I became so claustrophobic in that damn closet, I came out and stayed out. Yet, I recall those awful years as vividly as if it were but yesterday.

I don’t think it does any harm to remind ourselves just how awful being in the closet can be. It also helps reassure those who are still there that we have all survived the same traumatic experience; traumatic, that is, to a greater or lesser degree depending on whether or not we have gay-friendly family and friends.

In latter years, more of us than ever before have reached within ourselves for the self-confidence and self-esteem that encourages a gay person to tell the world he or she is gay. I’m sure I speak for most if not all of us by confirming we are better and happier people for taking that first step. Sadly, it remains a step too far for some people and we still have a long way to go before all gay people can take their rightful place in all societies world-wide. Yet (corny as it may sound) there really is a life to be had outside the closet, light at the end of even the longest tunnel. We have but to follow it. The journey will be different for each and every one of us, tougher for some, easier for others. Yes, we have a choice as to whether we make the journey or not, but at heart we also know what that choice needs to be; it remains, however, a choice only we, as individuals, can make, and no one has the right to force our hand.

Life balance is about getting it right, and we can but follow our natural instincts, not someone else's who think they know us better than we know ourselves. We may not get it right in their eyes, but it's our life, and we only get one chance to sow and reap its harvest; we won't get it right all the time (and there are plenty who will say "I told you so.") but we can get it right most of the time if we put our minds to it. Yes, homophobia is alive and kicking in some countries, homes and communities around the world, but as a young gay Muslim put it to me only recently. "Better a closet lover than no lover at all, right?" Right.

This poem is a villanelle.

GETTING IT RIGHT

Love found me long ago,
told me I’m gay;
(I did not want to know.)

This heart, it ached so
at each new day;
love found me long ago

Within, but a candle’s glow
kept sexuality at bay;
(I did not want to know.)

Time, so quick, so slow,
nor words to say,
love found me long ago

Deaf, dumb, blind I’d go,
maybe outed one day?.
(I did not want to know.)

Now, for you, glad to show
the world I’m gay;
Love found me long ago;
(I did not want to know.)

Copyright R. N. Taber 2007

Who Cares, Wins

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Today’s poem was written in 1999 and has not appeared on the blog since February 2009. One of few gay-interest poems that have been published other than in my collections, it appeared in The Classic Collection of Sonnets, Anchor Books (Forward Press), 2000. Readers ’Yves and Javier’ have requested it today as they are celebrating the anniversary of the day they first met six weeks ago to this very day; also ‘Yuri and Vladimir’ simply ‘because we love each other.’

Here’s a BIG HUG from me (extended to all readers).

[Note: Some 600+ poems have appeared in general poetry publications worldwide other than my collections but barely 5% have been on a gay theme. What does that tell you, eh?]

Now, sometimes winning is a mixed blessing; it can mean taking risks; it may well be a case of win some, lose some, and never more so than in a multicultural society where there may well be socio-cultural-religious barriers to overcome, not least for those whose respective families and friends may well disapprove of their choice of friends, lover, career...whatever.

Better though, surely, to follow our instincts, hearts even...be true to ourselves and how we see
the world than be in denial or lie?  [Did I say it is easy?]

Love is beautiful. Never let anyone tell you that gay love is any less so.

WHO CARES, WINS

Love is all - to live and die for, yet
some would say, often bitterly,
one kind better to ignore, forget,
even in the 21st century

Our love took root, grew tall and fair
in a shady corner of Eden;
many who looked and saw it there
begged a cutting for their own garden

Most folk simply walked straight past,
believing it best for everyone;
others took sticks and stones to cast,
any excuse better than none

In the sun! Behold gay love, its beauty,
though none so blind that will not see

Copyright R. N. Taber 2001, rev. 2011

[Note: First published under the title 'Who Dares, Wins' in Love and Human Remains by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2001, rev. 2011]

Broken Rainbow

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

[Update; November 2017: Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) persons in Uganda have no specific legal protections. Activists estimated in 2007 that the Ugandan LGBT community consisted of 500,000 people. The Uganda Anti-Homosexuality Act  was passed on 17 December 2013 with a punishment of life imprisonment for "aggravated homosexuality". In August 2014, the Uganda Constitutional Court annulled the law. Nonetheless, LGBT people continue to face discrimination in Uganda. Households headed by same-sex couples are not eligible for the same legal protections available to opposite-sex couples. In February 2015 President Museveni signed the draconian Anti-Homosexuality Bill which called for repeat offenders to be sentenced to 14 years in prison and to make it a criminal offence not to report someone for being gay; the Bill was defeated in the Ugandan parliament and he has since said he will not pursue further anti-gay legislation.] 

In January (2011) you may have read or heard some media reports that a leading campaigner for Gay Rights in Uganda, David Kato, had been murdered. I (still) feel obliged to draw attention to what is happening in Uganda, not least because it upsets me greatly.

David Kato [Photo taken from the Internet]

Societies world-wide have a lot to answer for with regard to poverty, prejudice, peace, equality, HIV-AIDS...and more besides. At least some politicians do their best while others cruise along, content to play the blame game to distract attention from their own inaction. Yet others, we cannot help but observe, are plainly in politics for no other reason than their own egos.

Politicians in some countries - not just Uganda - put the 21st century to shame. The recent murder of David Kato in Uganda is more than a human tragedy; it is a crime against humanity and the likes of Giles Muhame (Managing Editor of Rolling Stone) deserve to be brought to book.

As if chronic poverty in Uganda isn’t tragedy enough, the persecution of gay people there continues to horrify the civilised world.

So what is the civilized world going to do about it?

This poem is a villanelle.

BROKEN RAINBOW

Under a broken rainbow,
tearful faces making their way
in this sorry world below

Find the seeds to sow
all those we’ve loved heard say
under a broken rainbow

Agreed, we’ve much to show
for packing prejudice on its way
in this sorry world below

By now, world leaders know
free speech needs to have its say
under a broken rainbow?

Areas (still) marked No-Go
for men and women who are gay
in this sorry world below

Where home truths fear to go,
political correctness has its way
under a broken rainbow
in this sorry world below

Copyright R. N. Taber 2009

Mother And Child

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Years ago, I found a stronger sense of camaraderie among gay people than has struck me in recent years. I even began to wonder if it was still there.

So I need to say a BIG thank you to those readers who have contacted me to wish me well with my prostate tumour, forthcoming biopsy and subsequent results.

It is good to know that there is still a sense of common humanity among many of us (still) trying to get across to the heterosexual majority that homosexual identity is a natural part of a natural whole, not something to be seen as separate or in any way unnatural.

Oh, there will always be bigots who love to pontificate about ‘sin’ and the like if only because they are punctilious pricks huffing and puffing their own self-importance at the doors of anyone who’ll listen. But there are also many decent people in the world, with open minds and open hearts, whatever conclusions about themselves they may have drawn.

Now, although I am not too worried about the tumour in my prostate, every now and then I get anxious. At such times, as I have always done in anything resembling a crisis, I let my thoughts turn to Earth Mother and she reassures me in much the same way as I suspect my birth mother would if she were still alive.

This poem was written in 2009. I was recently reminded why I wrote it by emails from men and women made to feel guilty about their sexuality by religious minded people who really should know better. As I have said before (and will undoubtedly say again) - take humanity out of religion and what you have left is not worth having.

'One touch of nature makes the whole world kin.' - William Shakepeare (Troilus and Cressida)

MOTHER AND CHILD

They stripped me naked,
wrapped me in a cloak of nettles,
dragged me to Hell’s gate,
calling on those gathered inside
(seeking a way out)
to open up and take me in, away
from a world that such as I
dare stain with the juices of a sin
beyond redemption

Yet, the gate did not open
though their screams of abuse
did not cease
nor did those inside overtly refuse
to do their best…
for I made so bold as to call
upon Earth Mother
to rebirth me at the milky breast
of sanctuary

They slunk away like wolves
from firelight, heat and glow more
of a threat even than I;
as for those others for whom also
the gate refused to open,
they could but resume fighting
among themselves
over who was to blame this time
and in whose name

‘Peace, child,’ she croons reassuringly,
from whom I inherit my sexual identity

Copyright R. N. Taber 2009

Time for a Reality Check?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

Coming out to family and friends can be a traumatic experience even these days, worse when they don’t take the news too well. Give them time to get used to the idea, yeah? It can come as a shock to those who haven’t already guessed. Moreover, many people feel genuinely hurt that we haven’t confided in them sooner. Hurt can easily express itself in anger, an anger that many gay people are inclined to interpret as rejection. Sometimes, yes, they reject us for our sexuality and we have to try and win them round. In the early days, though, it may well be that they are angry with themselves for our not feeling we could trust them.

‘Win them over?’ I hear some of you protest. Well, yes. People who don’t grow up in a gay-friendly environment will often need time to put everything (usually bad) they have been told about gay men and women to one side and, hopefully, put love and friendship first. This may well put them at odds with their own family, friends, religion...whatever. So give them time to get their heads around it all, yeah?

Bear in mind it could just as easily be you wearing blinkers, yeah?

Many people are ok about homosexuality and same sex relationships these days, at least here in the West... but by no means everyone. As for gay people living in the southern hemisphere, their families and friends may well have been brainwashed by bigoted religious leaders or socio-cultural traditions...whatever, to think the worst of us. Love and friendship may well overcome prejudices that run deep...but not always. It is hardly surprising that so many gay people in Africa, India, the Middle East, China etc. remain closet all their lives. It is a tragedy that cannot be overstated.

The fact that many gay people and those who seek to be reconciled with transgender needs are denied the opportunity to live openly with their sexual identity has to be one of the modern world’s greater tragedies. So much for a progressive 21st century! We can but hope humanity will quicken its step and see to it that there is real progress world-wide in due course.

TIME FOR A REALITY CHECK?

I shed tears on my pillow most nights,
despairing of a homespun mentality
closing its eyes to how Human Rights
might extend to a person’s sexuality

A time came when I had to speak out,
tell the world not only that I am gay
but would not, for that, be put to rout
by cruel words ever chasing easy prey

See how cruelty borrows a human face
the easier to feed on an inhumanity
that respects neither person nor place
while binding its acolytes to apostasy

I felt so alone, nothing but dead ends
whatever conventional path I took,
no support from my family or friends,
life reading like a badly written book

I even took God (very) soundly to task
for providing no answers I sought;
then a voice in my head suggested I ask
what family and friends really thought

We hadn’t really talked anything through,
(I saw everyone as a potential enemy);
it now became obvious what I should do,
whatever people might think about me

Truth is stranger than fiction, people say,
and I had woven fictions around me;
True, some folks will despise anyone gay,
but blinkers off, the more clearly we see

Life rarely (if ever) resembles a fairy tale
or bedtime story (precursor to sleep)
but better drink from than fall into a well,
wake to promises fantasy can never keep

Copyright R N Taber 2010 (Rev. 2018)

[Note: An earlier version of this poem appears under the title 'Caught Out Wearing Blinkers' in On the Battlefields Of Love by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2010]

Tears For Fears

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

For me, one of the hardest things about accepting that I am gay and then having the confidence to be openly so was coming round to believing that gay people can fall in love just like anyone else. While it sounds absurd, it was contrary to everything I had been told and the last thing a youthful Roger Taber wanted was to be denied that golden opportunity only love provides. My sexual experiences had been the result of closet sessions that were more the results of teenage frustration than anything else. It would take a few more years yet before I was able to reject all I had been told about same sex relationships for a load of bigoted, ignorant rubbish and start looking for love. I found it, but my partner and I we were only together for a few precious years and relatively few people knew about our relationship for all sorts of reasons.

Although I never fell in love again, even one-night stands took on a whole new dimension. I wasn’t interested in sex for its own sake any more. I needed to feel an attraction for the person even if a relationship was never on the cards. Oh, there were flings here and there that were promising but did not fill their relationship potential for various reasons.

I am just so grateful, not only for finding out at first hand what love is all about but also for finding the strength and commonsense to reject all the bullshit that home, school and Church had thrown at me regarding the whole gay ethic.

TEARS FOR FEARS

I used to dream so about falling in love;
People said it couldn’t happen ’cause I’m gay
and men don’t do love, only toys and sex;
hasn’t been, can’t be, won’t be any other way
for centuries, so what’s so different now?
Holy Books condemn love relationships between
two men, say it cannot exist (let alone last)
in all conscience and truth. Ah, but the romance
and resilience of youth will not be deterred
from taking its due as I found when I met you,
electric shocks searing through my body,
scaring me as your bright eyes bored into mine,
seizing on thoughts running wild in my brain;
among them, a dream of falling in love though
people say it can’t happen ’cause I’m gay

Ah, but your smile tells a different story,
inviting me to write my own history, tells me
I’m my own man and love refuses no one
if they dare take a chance on themselves,
work at it as I worked on my doubts and fears
in the face of your beauty, our desires,
wanting to kiss your lips, tear off your clothes,
embrace a nakedness filling my mind’s eye
with images of ecstasy, troubled heart set free;
Oh, joy! To be joined with you, find peace
and love, let them smother inhibitions, lies fed
by this tortured soul to an unforgiving heart
and make a start, at least, to live - by accepting
there is nothing to forgive, whatever they say
about us because we are two men and gay

Yet, I turned away, courage all but gone,
resolving to play safe though it mean a lifetime
spent alone. You had other ideas, caught up
with me, grabbed my arm, intending no harm,
only that we might share time together,
take a chance on each other, no matter we were
strangers contemplating potential dangers,
reason giving way to a greater need, our bodies
screaming against everything we'd heard
(ignorant bigots saying gays are better off dead)
and whatever happened to trusting others
(and ourselves) to decide what is right for us
seizing the moment, not letting it slip away
because we're scared of what people might say,
(stereotyping us) once they know we're gay?

One by one I got the better of my worst fears,
let them drop away in your eyes, like tears

Copyright R. N. Taber 2005; 2018

[Note: An earlier version of this poem appears in A Feeling for the Quickness of Time by R. N. Taber, Assembly Books, 2005.]

Among Predators And Prey

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

A UK reader has contacted me to say he does not have a computer at home and accesses the Internet at his local public library. However, the library computers do not allow access to blogs. As he has enjoyed dipping into the blog at a friend’s house, do I have any suggestions? Well, only one. Both my blogs are participating in a UK Web Archive project operated by the British Library.

Try http://www.webarchive.org.uk// and go into ‘Search the archive’ (left had panel on the screen) and enter ‘G-AY in the Subject Field’ or ‘A Poet’s Blog’ and the blog you are looking for should appear. I should add that it is very interesting just to browse the archive for other blogs and websites.

Meanwhile...

Straight people often ask if I wish I wasn’t gay. What can I say? [Do I wish I wasn’t born, for goodness sake?] They also put it to me that it’s risky, what with there being so many homophobes about and religious zealots who seem to think their God would condone the persecution (and worse) of gay people. What can I say? [Should I be afraid to be as nature made me or, in their terms, how God made me?] I am a person, not a stereotype; no more or less so than anyone else, regardless of socio-cultural-religious or, yes, sexual persuasion. Human nature comprises many parts; more often than not, it is the sum of those parts in any of us that really counts. More often than not, too, it is unfair to cherry-pick this or that part and proceed to judge a person accordingly.

Love, in all its shapes and forms has always walked among among predators and prey; there will always be those who criticise, even condemn certain human relationships from the kind of narrow perspective on life expounded by various dogma and/ or prejudices. The trick is being able to do what comes as naturally as breathing to all creatures great and small...practise the art of survival ... on our terms, not theirs. As for those arrogant, bigoted, evangelical types who seek to gain favour with their God by calling for homosexuals and other LGBT folks to be either cured, saved or eliminated ... for the sinners we are and responsible for the spread of HIV-AIDS ...well,  if it is a 'gay plague' it is human one, and we should not rush to cherry-pick responsibility for that either.

God - however we interpret the word, religion or no religion - is Love, and love has no time for homophobia or any other sick prejudices.

AMONG PREDATORS AND PREY

Walking, my love and I, down urban
streets distracted by brats playing up a parent
plainly too scared to but plead for acceptable
behaviour or risk being chased like a fox
beyond the pale, given society’s predilection
for what is just and fair, especially where
children are concerned, hopeful they will learn
a sense of responsibility, not turn out badly
in the long run

Pausing, my love and I, on country roads
to watch lambs skipping in a field
reflecting how it was when we were young
pretending we hadn’t a care in the world
to all but ourselves, looking over shoulders
when we thought someone might see us
keeping to shadows for kisses they despise
who live in houses made of playing cards
(aces high)

Hugging, my love and I, seeing how things are
in the world, glad we have each other
to help us through what may pass for morality
but (invariably) is an excuse for sucking up
to those do-gooders who mean well but see
sweeping statements as a rule of thumb,
love to interpret nature’s laws along such lines
as human ends justifying human means
in the long run

Fearing for lambs as prey to foxes as gay kisses
to human prejudices

Copyright R. N. Taber 2009